AdventureTime
New member
- Nov 22, 2011
- 1
- 0
- 1
It's cliched, and write a positive story. Reading this doesnt interest me, the action is average.
Great start! I was sucked in from the beginning. There are only two suggestions I have to make:
1) You mention in the first paragraph she is dying. But then a little further down, the character realizes 'for the first time' that she's dying. That was a little confusing.
2) To add to the dramatic tension, I would draw out the conversation between the nurse and the protagonist at the end - instead of having the nurses simply blurt out that the parents died, I would draw out the conversation, have them trying to explain it to the character gently. This would make it more emotional, plus it would be more realistic - nobody would be that blunt with a twelve year old who just lost their parents and their sister.
Great start!!!! Keep it up. This looks like the start of an awesome story.
1) You mention in the first paragraph she is dying. But then a little further down, the character realizes 'for the first time' that she's dying. That was a little confusing.
2) To add to the dramatic tension, I would draw out the conversation between the nurse and the protagonist at the end - instead of having the nurses simply blurt out that the parents died, I would draw out the conversation, have them trying to explain it to the character gently. This would make it more emotional, plus it would be more realistic - nobody would be that blunt with a twelve year old who just lost their parents and their sister.
Great start!!!! Keep it up. This looks like the start of an awesome story.
It's not bad, I like the plot. I think you should look over it again, I found a LOT of misspelled words, and I think you should work on the names, as they're a little bit cliche. And I'm a little bit confused, the pen went in to her? You might want to clear that up, but I think it has the potential to be a good story. I would read it!
I thought that was very interesting. The plot and characters were well developed. Don't worry so much on all your grammar mistakes because you can change them later. Plus if a reader passes by a grammer problem when its published they wont make a big fuss out of it. It's the actually story it's self you can't change. But still, fix it! For example, you over used a lot of the same words, you have incorrect sentences, and a lot of other stuff too. To make your story sound even MORE intersting try to describe the scenery with great detail: (example) The forest was darker than an owel's eye. The wind caressed my cheak like frost. In the distance I could see a man running to me. His heart beats were so loud they soaked into the earth and all the way too me.
It is possible for girls to be hemophiliacs but it is much rarer than boys. It's unlikely to die from it these days because you can be treated with factor K that helps the blood coagulate. The main point is that Mark has lost his sister and his parents in a short space of time. This is just a start. What you need now is to write about how he deals with this. As someone else said there are a lot of spelling mistakes. Read it aloud and see how it flows. Make sure that the narrative sounds natural.
You have an excellent story here! So no matter what constructive critiques you get, don’t let them sway you from your story, just use them to make it better.
My nephew was born with a heart defect, so I am going to give you a little insight on the world of a family with a sick child.
The first thing is you should do a little research because not only can girl not be hemophiliac, but the family would have the supplies in the house and the knowledge to be able to stop the flow of blood long enough to get her to the hospital.
When people have a sick child, they learn over the years how to take care of their children, they take classes, the doctor teaches them, and they refuse to be helpless. It becomes a mission. Everyone is educated and ready for anything. When my Nephew was born, we all took classes to see the signs of an attack, we learned how to take blood pressure, CPR, how to give shots, we all became experts on what food could set him off and what to do and how to keep him calm when we saw the first signs of an attack. When an attack did happen, every single one of us knew what to do, and how to do it WITH OUT panicking. So keep that in mind. Try something they can not control or helped, such as brain amorism or a heart condition. This way the son can still feel responsible but the family can’t do anything about it. It would ring a little truer. She could still be sickly, a heart conditions would do that, and if they played a little to hard, got a little too excited… but make sure you look up what ever ailment you give her, many of them are curable, then try to have the mom do something other then just freak out.
The next thing would be the Dad would not question about loosing his job. He would just come, no questions asked. It would be part of the drill.
And once they lost the child, they wouldn't’t just go home. They would want to see the body, they would need time. A loss that like would drain every ounce of them and going home would be the last place they would want to go…they would want to stay with her. Because once they leave…it all becomes real. We saw lots of parents in the hospital sit frozen for hours after a child died, unable to move or get past it…unable to leave the hospital.
Also I would not see the Dad falling asleep that quickly; sleep is something for the claim or the extremely fatigued. He had just lost his little girl. I see him closing his eyes, putting his head in his lap and sobbing…but not sleeping.
Also they would not tell a child and then leave him. They would have counselors and doctors and break the news very carefully. They would explain what happened and his injuries, they would ask him what he remembered, what day it was…and so on to make sure he was capable of understanding, most likely they would wait for a family member to arrive and be in the room ( even if it took a several hours or ever a day or two they would wait for the family member) ….then they would tell him. But at that age they would not leave him alone….not for a long time
I hope this helps with your story. Good luck!
My nephew was born with a heart defect, so I am going to give you a little insight on the world of a family with a sick child.
The first thing is you should do a little research because not only can girl not be hemophiliac, but the family would have the supplies in the house and the knowledge to be able to stop the flow of blood long enough to get her to the hospital.
When people have a sick child, they learn over the years how to take care of their children, they take classes, the doctor teaches them, and they refuse to be helpless. It becomes a mission. Everyone is educated and ready for anything. When my Nephew was born, we all took classes to see the signs of an attack, we learned how to take blood pressure, CPR, how to give shots, we all became experts on what food could set him off and what to do and how to keep him calm when we saw the first signs of an attack. When an attack did happen, every single one of us knew what to do, and how to do it WITH OUT panicking. So keep that in mind. Try something they can not control or helped, such as brain amorism or a heart condition. This way the son can still feel responsible but the family can’t do anything about it. It would ring a little truer. She could still be sickly, a heart conditions would do that, and if they played a little to hard, got a little too excited… but make sure you look up what ever ailment you give her, many of them are curable, then try to have the mom do something other then just freak out.
The next thing would be the Dad would not question about loosing his job. He would just come, no questions asked. It would be part of the drill.
And once they lost the child, they wouldn't’t just go home. They would want to see the body, they would need time. A loss that like would drain every ounce of them and going home would be the last place they would want to go…they would want to stay with her. Because once they leave…it all becomes real. We saw lots of parents in the hospital sit frozen for hours after a child died, unable to move or get past it…unable to leave the hospital.
Also I would not see the Dad falling asleep that quickly; sleep is something for the claim or the extremely fatigued. He had just lost his little girl. I see him closing his eyes, putting his head in his lap and sobbing…but not sleeping.
Also they would not tell a child and then leave him. They would have counselors and doctors and break the news very carefully. They would explain what happened and his injuries, they would ask him what he remembered, what day it was…and so on to make sure he was capable of understanding, most likely they would wait for a family member to arrive and be in the room ( even if it took a several hours or ever a day or two they would wait for the family member) ….then they would tell him. But at that age they would not leave him alone….not for a long time
I hope this helps with your story. Good luck!
JamesCameronAvatar
New member
- Nov 25, 2011
- 1
- 0
- 1
pretty good, lots of spelling and grammar mistakes though!!!
DavidO'connor
New member
- Nov 19, 2011
- 2
- 0
- 1
Its really good but lots of spelling mistakes i personally would put it as chapter 2 or 3 make the reader grow to love the girl like it was their own sister or daughter
Dude
Member
- May 14, 2008
- 416
- 0
- 16
It was ok, I thought
LyraVanquel
New member
- Nov 27, 2011
- 1
- 0
- 1
I like it, its very descriptive.
answer mine everyone please, i'm stressing over this-http://answers.yahoo.com/question/index;_ylt=ApKJlO_5cAxZmNsDTVeq0.Lty6IX;_ylv=3?qid=20111113120041AACs6zK
answer mine everyone please, i'm stressing over this-http://answers.yahoo.com/question/index;_ylt=ApKJlO_5cAxZmNsDTVeq0.Lty6IX;_ylv=3?qid=20111113120041AACs6zK
ericjohn1987
New member
- Nov 7, 2008
- 10
- 0
- 1
girls cannot be hemophiliacs only boys can, i was thinking of something similar in a story i was working on where a dirty and evil cop was beating a hemophiliac girl and she bled to death. i realized i could not use this idea when i did a little research and discovered that hemophilia only affects the y chromosome. girls can carry that gene to a male child however so maybe make the child a boy.
sorry if i busted you bubble, but use your imagination you have good wording a catchy opening and you are very descriptive. i am sure you can come up with other ideas because you seem very talented.
please feel free to answer mine...
http://answers.yahoo.com/question/index;_ylt=Ah.uzzjeAMX_5zaBeu03gu4azKIX;_ylv=3?qid=20111113062036AAirORp
sorry if i busted you bubble, but use your imagination you have good wording a catchy opening and you are very descriptive. i am sure you can come up with other ideas because you seem very talented.
please feel free to answer mine...
http://answers.yahoo.com/question/index;_ylt=Ah.uzzjeAMX_5zaBeu03gu4azKIX;_ylv=3?qid=20111113062036AAirORp
TIMOTHYSHAUN
New member
- Nov 30, 2011
- 1
- 0
- 1
Really good, actually, but a lot of grammar problems.
RaineVanitym
New member
- Dec 7, 2011
- 2
- 0
- 1
This is AWESOME!!
The plot is amazing but i don't think girls can be hemophiliac(not 100% sure though)
I would 100000000% buy this book
The plot is amazing but i don't think girls can be hemophiliac(not 100% sure though)
I would 100000000% buy this book