Opinions on my writing? My first attempt at sci-fi?

Lizzeh

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Nov 4, 2011
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It's been four scores, two decades, six years, sixteen months, three-hundred-eighty-six days, one-hundred-eighty-eight hours, and one-hundred-seventy-four minutes since the discovery of my home planet. Or, to Earthlings: two scores, one decade, three years, eight months, one-hundred-ninety-three days, ninety-four hours, and eighty-seven minutes. My home planets time is double the time on Earth. Seranora (my planet) inhabitants live much, much longer though, so I remember when my precious home was found by those... Those parasites.

~

During the Juvelae jijin quethel Fraiseree ritual (Rising of the Light ritual), as I was sitting upon my knees as the Light slowly, slowly announced itself to my beautiful planet Seranora, I patiently kept my head low. Juvelae jijin quethel Fraiseree is probably one of my most-liked rituals. The sky is always a wonderful shade of purple, whatever the time, it always is. Except, during Juvelae jijin quethel Fraiseree, pretty orange streaks appear in the purple, becoming brighter, brighter, brighter, until...

When the majestic sound of many bells rang and echoed, my head rose and my eyes met an almost-unnatural shining. My eyes twitched, as the Light was very strong, but I forced them to keep open, and I stared. It was beautiful and bright, though rather painful to look at. (Not that I minded, nor did it effect me as much as it used to. Still, my words are true.)

"Rising Light," I murmured in my own tongue, "grant me another of the wonderful seven-hundred-thirty days this year has, if I may ask you of this. I do so wish to be able to see my niece - whom I pray shall be very pretty - and to give her the crystal I've found. You remember this, the crystal, I assume?" I moved my hand, grasped the small crystal rock that I discovered the day prior, and lifted it to the Light. "I do so hope that my niece will love it as much as I. Good-bye now, Rising Light."

I set the crystal rock down, stood, and twirled round two times. It is Seranora custom to do so after speaking to the Rising Light. Smiling pleasantly, I bent to pick up the crystal.

"Cosette!" My mother called for me, and, startled, I dropped the crystal rock. It shattered, and I believe I nearly fainted! Perhaps I was to die today, so soon before my niece should be welcomed to Seranora? I did, after all, ask of the Rising Light to give me more time in life, so I could have the chance to present it to my niece. And now the crystal rock is millions of pieces!

I let out a yell of despair and pressed a hand to my forehead, stumbling backwards. I felt myself drop to the floor, frightening me even more. I am dying, I am dying! "Oh, Rising Light," I called, but knowing it would not hear me because it has already been by, "why do you curse me with an early end to life?" I wailed with sorrow.

I couldn't hear my mother's footsteps as she ran in; was she ever so swift and graceful! "Cosette, I beg of you: stop! Oh, please, please, Cosette. Don't be so distressed over a simple crystal rock!"

"Simple?!" I nearly screeched, looking angrily at her. "Nothing is ever so simple, mother! Why - why - would you ever think such a thought? It was for niece; I prayed to Juvelae Fraiseree to allow me more lifetime, so I could give it to her! And now it is gone! I am doomed for an early death!" I began to sob again.

She looked at me sternly, but I didn't flinch as I usually did. No, I was going to die - much more of a thing to flinch over! "Cosette, put an end to your foolishness this moment! Seranora does not need your dramatic reactions in a time such as this, what with the Earthlings having discovered our planet!"

My wails and sobs stopped almost immediately. "W-Whatever do you mean, mother?" I sniffed, looking at her. No longer was I fearing the death Rising Light would send to me, but rather the inhabitants of Earth.

"You know exactly what I mean, my dear Cosette. I am afraid that they may attempt to come to our planet." She looked sad now, rather than irritated. She's been alive much longer than I, of course, and was more attached. But she never does the rituals; no one, excluding myself, does. They say it's worthless to do so; I say they're lucky to be living still! I fully intended to teach niece the rituals, so I will not be alone. Still, mother was obviously distressed!
They have pure white skin and hair, and their eyes vary on their emotions/personality. They also have wings, but they only appear when they intend to fly. Also very tall, swift/graceful, etc. They're speaking in a different language as well, but there's no point in coming up with an entire dictionary based on the language, and then re-writing it so everyone understands.
 
I don't like, you gave a too-human feel for the aliens. That's all I can say.
 
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