My wife is cold, but my kids are young. Should I have an affair or get divorced?

[@VRIL]

try back rub, hot tub, serve her breakfast, pick a night and candle the room along with soft rock music or country.

 

[akinderagentlerme]

That sucks...but is cheating on her really going to be that much better for your kids? There is never an easy answer to a situation like this.You need to tell her that you thought you found someone who felt the same way in bed for you. Someone who'd actually LIKE getting intimate, like most other wives. Tell her exactly what you told us here, and that it's killing you and your marriage. Ask her if she even gives a sh!t that your marriage is going down the drain. Maybe go on that vacation. Is she the one who does all the taking care of the kids? Maybe she's exhausted or stressed all the time from it. Kids are very stressful you know..See what she says, but don't sink so low as to cheat on her. You're also cheating on your kids, and if they ever found out, which they very likely would, they would hate you inside forever.If anything, you could get divorced but still see your kids as often as possible. It's a great thing what you're doing for your kids already. Don't let your boring wife ruin what you have with them. Deal with all of this with her and if she's still not compromising, you have every reason to live and find happiness for youself.best of luck!

 

[a bush family member]

YOU CAN STILL BE A GOOD DAD IF YOU LEAVE.COUNSELING DID NOT WORK.SHE WILL NOT COMPROMISE.JUST BE PREPARED TO PAY A LOT OF CHILD SUPPORT FOR THREE KIDS....THE KIDS ARE WORTH ALL THE MONEY YOU WILL HAVE TO PAY...AND THE CHANCE AT FINDING SOMEONE WHO WANTS TO PARICIPATE IN THE RELATIONSHIP ADDS TO THE DECISION.

 

[Anewoneeee]

I think alot of this comes down to you, what you feel is best for you and your kids. My parents split when I was very young. I always remember wanting them to get back together but as I grew up I understood why they werent together and realized it wouldnt have been a happy home at all if they lived together. Divorce will be hard on you kids. There is no doubt in that. How you guys handle the divorce will make a huge imapct as well if the two of you could get a divorce and around the kids act like there is little to no hard feelings it would help alot. If you dont want to divorce her and do have an affair there is a chance your kids will pick up on it in later years and it could be used against you. That is the only down side to that. You and your wife really just need to talk about what you are feeling and decide together how to handle it.

 

[????]

First off- get the idea of an affair our of your head- it'll only make you look like a scumbag (and you are one if you do cheat no matter how unhappy you are). Listen to her, take her on a vacation away from the little ones! She might be exhausted from raising the little ones and taking care of you. Help her around the house as well, there's nothing sexier to a woman than a man doing the dishes She needs support and a partner who will help her out. I think you feel like she's abandoned you just for the kids, but the truth is probably that the kids neeeed her attention, while you are an adult and you should be able to take care of yourself. Alrighty, enough yapping- find your wife and ask her where she wants to go for vacation- then make it happen and remember- no kids allowed Good luck I have a lot of faith in your guys!

 

[a cabingirl]

Try talking to her, for the kids I would stay with her tell they grow up then you can decided if you want to go your separate ways.Right now your kids should be your first priority in life. Think about your kids ,if you had an affair or divorced it would have a very negative affect on your kids life.Take her on vacation to a place of her choice and leave the kids with family .

 

[agirlnameelainee]

Most women wish for a man like you. It is very unfortunate what you are going through. Have a talk with her(or try to) tell her what you are feeling. Tell her if she no longer has any interest in you as a man, that you are TEMPTED to go elsewhere. She will either try harder to keep you or she will push you out the door. Either way, you'll have your answer. If the kids are that little, they wont be affected as much by a divorce as an older child would be.

 

[???????]

Have you actually taken her on vacation? Has she seen a doctor and discussed the lack of libido? If you want your children to have a stable upbringing, you and her will have to do everything you can to resolve this. You leaving, or having an affair, is going to rock your kids stability. Leaving is the last resort and affairs are just tacky and self-destructive.

 

[ADreamer]

an affair is not the answer, counseling might be. always keep your children's best interest in mind. ever heard of "spanking the monkey"?? remember your vows "for better or worse". GO GET HELP, for your kids sake.

 

[A L]

OKAY - FIRST: YOUR LOOKS AND ABILITES AS AN EMPLOYEE ARE NOT REASONS TO JUSTIFY CHEATING ON YOUR WIFE. ALTHOUGH NOT HORRIBLE QUALITIES, THEY ARE NO WHERE CLOSE TO A SUPPORT IN WHICH TO FEEL GOOD ABOUT CHEATING ON YOUR WIFE. SECOND: DO NOT CHEAT ON YOUR WIFE. NO MATTER THE REASONING YOU GIVE, THERE IS NO REASON THAT WOULD ALLOW YOU TO SLEEP WITH ANOTHER WOMAN. THIRD: DO NOT STAY TOGETHER BECASUE OF THE KIDS. THEY DESERVE A LOVING HOME, YES. BUT THEY ALSO DESERVE AN HONEST ONE - IF YOU AND YOUR WIFE ARE NOT HAPPY, THE KIDS WILL KNOW IT. AND IF YOU THINK ABOUT IT - DO YOU REALLY WANT TO TEACH THEM, BY EXAMPLE, TO STAY IN A RELATIONSHIP THAT YOU ARE NOT HAPPY WITH AND ALL WILL BE OK?!?!? THAT IS EXACTLY WHAT YOU WILL BE LEADING THEM INTO - SINCE THEY WILL SEE IT FIRST HAND. TEACH THEM WHAT IS TRUE, AND IF IT MEANS TO BE DIVORCED AND RAISE THEM TOGETHER - THAN SO BE IT....IT IS BETTER THAN BE MISERABLE TO REAMAIN MARRIED.FOURTH AND FINAL: WORK ON YOUR MARRIAGE, OR GET OUT. CHEATING ON YOUR WIFE - JUST TO HAVE SEX IS NOT THE ANSWER.

 

[AF]

I really encourage you to take the time to romance he again, like you did before you were married. It is really hard with kids for a mom to "get in the mood" Instead meeting another woman at some hotel, why not take your wife to one? From experience I can tell you it works. If you take the effort and trouble to get a sitter for the kids and clear your schedule (and hers) to surprise her with a night out at a hotel, she will love it. Start with a nice dinner out and then a romantic movie in the room. Room service for breakfas and you guys will not want to leave. For all the money and trouble to have an affair or a divorce--the cost of doing this once a month is well worth it.Also see the link below. A fantastic book titled : His Needs, Her Needs will help, too.Remember, for a woman it is about the romance, the gentleness.

 

[a k]

Hi mozarti think sunshnes answer is the best one..young children are hard on your own relationship but it gets easier as they get older...try love notes under the pillow..etc...or flowers are always a winner..good luck..

 

[ANewCreation]

Do you love her? If not, then do yourself and her and the kids a big favor and get on with your life by divorcing.Having an affair is a major stupid idea. You think you've got problems now??? Believe me they'll more than triple if you bring your sex-women into your life who shouldn't be there while you're married.However, you don't want to wake up one day and realize you're all old and have missed out on a loving, sexually intimate marital relationship. And the kids have missed out on having two happy parents who love and want to be with each other. If you do love her, go on that 'libido enhancing' vacation and see what happens. Maybe do that first, then see if it improves things. And if not, then go with my first answer. Good luck.

 

[aheartsobig]

Guy, if you cheat on your wife, you are a loser, so cheating is out. Also, you will hurt your children more if you get caught cheating. It sounds like your wife needs to go to counseling on her own along with counseling with you. It sounds like she has problems to deal on her own along with problems in your marriage. You might want to try to woo her again. Find someone to take care of the kids. Plan a whole day of things to get closer to her but don't try to get intimate. Plan a couple of dates like this, and see if she doesn't try to jump your bones. God bless.

 

[Agirle]

That is a truly hard decision to make. Have you tried that vacation idea of hers yet? Maybe leave the kids with the grandparents and get away for a week. No work, no stress. It might help. All couples though go through periods where there is a lot of intimacy and periods where there is none at all. I'd say that since you have 3 kids, there's probably been a lot of intimacy before.But maybe you should take the time away also for you. For you both to rediscover why you married each other. Do you still love her? Sometimes a big part of if we choose to be intimate with someone depends a lot on how much we are enjoying that person's company. Especially long lasting intimacy. If they speak to our mind. If we laugh and have fun around them. If we feel cared for. A lot more is involved than people choose to think.Maybe she's right. Maybe she needs to get away from those kids she desperately wanted. All mom's need a break. Women need to feel attractive. Hard to do that at 10pm after a long draining day at work and little ones hollaring and tugging at you. Stress can put her out of the mood. If I were you, I'd try getting away, even just for the weekend, just the two of you. Do something spontaneous for her. Something romantic to make her feel like you're not harping on her to put out.Feeling like you "have" to do something often makes people not "want" to do it. You don't want your married life to have the same feeling as taking out the trash does. I would say give her a chance and give you two some time. Especially if all your children are very small, she's probably feeling run down. And it may not take just one outing together to make her come back into your arms. You may need to repair a lot of bad feelings with a lot of good experiences. Marriage is work. Hang in there and be strong for a while longer. Treat her like you did when you were trying to win her in the first place. Women often have a hard time expressing what it is they want from you.Especially when there are children involved, you need to try as hard as you can for them. Fight for it as long as you can. I'm sorry you're in this situation. Its not easy. When I left my ex we had no children. One day I realized at a touch that there was nothing there at all. I held my ex's hand and said "you don't love me... do you?" and there was no response at all. I nodded "okay". I packed up and was gone in the week. And I spent two years grieving over it. Like you, we'd been to counsilors. Three of em. I fought as hard as I could. There does come a point where if the other person doesn't love you anymore, that you need to leave. For yourself. For your own heart. Your own sanity. (Do you know if she does? Have you asked her? Told her you loved her?)But you're a father. I was not. And divorce is hard on children. It doesn't mean that you should stay if you truly can't. Just don't have an affair. Don't cheapen yourself and who you are. Give your marriage another shot and if no matter how hard you fight, you can't win her back to you. Then you can at least walk away knowing that you had done everything in your power. And you were a good husband. If you're thinking that by having an affair you can ease yourself and still stay married, I'd say you're in for a rough ride should she find out. She'll file for divorce and take your children from you. You don't want that. You also probably don't want to "feel" like you would if you did something like that. It can haunt you. Make you paranoid.That's where the saying comes that if he's accusing her of having an affair, odds are it is because he has had one and is now paranoid. Don't do it. Nothing good can come of it. A little bedroom satisfaction isn't worth the rest of your life. I do know this much... the person that files first is the person that looks like the aggrieved party and has a better shot at keeping majority custody of their children. You're in a bad situation and you need to think about what would happen if you had an affair and she found out. Or what would happen if things came to a divorce, especially if she filed first. Any way that you go, if you stay and fight, if you have an affair, if you get a divorce... you're looking at a really rocky road. Choose wisely, and most importantly, be a good father.Edit: I was reading the other reponses and someone mentioned something I totally forgot about that was very clever. Has she seen a doctor? Things can go wrong physically that remove the sex drive as well. Maybe a check up couldn't hurt either. Look into all possibilities first.

 

[ANonnyMouse]

It sound's like you are in a no win situation you want that happy ever after and you aren't going to get it here, you deserve to be happy too. It really will hurt your children in the long run if they grow up in a household with out love. You should talk to your wife and tell here you deserve more and are will get a divorce if she isn't willing or can't work with you. You are faced with a very hard decision to make give it all the time it takes until you are sure it is what you want.

 

[A A]

hey we r in the same boat.only thing my husband gets cold in five ten mins.im alwys left to' fend' for myself.he thinks there's nothing wrong in the marriage.i too stay together just for my kid n he wont give me an easy divorce.i haven't got around to having an affair but temptation is there.good luck and let me know if u find any good solution..

 

[ABlackEclipse]

Dear Mozart, How about showing her this posting? Or have her look int getting some Viagra? I here it's good for women too. Hugs,PennyAnn