My wife is a SAHM and constantly complains. We argue a lot. Got advice?

[PrenelKernel]

I know being a SAHM is totally exhausting (mentally and physically), frustrating, and all around a totally intense job. I work all day. My job is also all of the above. I love my job sometimes but mostly it is unbelievably draining too.

Here is my day: I wake up with the kids and my wife and I get them ready for a couple hours. I go to work. I come home from work (5 minute walk) and go directly into watching our 1 year old and 3 year old. Then I cook and clean for a couple hours and play with the kids, do bath time with them, tooth-brushing, story time, don't want to go to bed time, then watch tv for 1 hour and doze off. My wife and I do this all together (I take one and she takes one). Our 3 year old goes to daycare every day. My wife has the 1 year old all day while I am at work. She gets an hour and a half to catch up on sleep or whatever when the baby takes a nap.

We each get a night off to ourselves. We have date night once a week. Grandma helps out a lot.

But here is the thing. My wife is always angry because she doesn't ever get a break. We argue all the time about this. She is really angry because she has to spend so much time with the kids. But I don't know how it could be different and either does she. Basically, this is what we have and we can't change it for financial reasons. She gets angry at me about having to be with the kids so much. I tell her that we both have really intense days and both get exhausted but she behaves like I have it easy because I go to work. It blows my mind. I don't know how to get through to her. We are going in circles with this.

The bottom line, as far as I see it, is that it doesn't matter how much I do every day or how hard I work at home, she will still be ticked off. I would like to be respected a little bit. I respect what she does. But it is hard to even let her know that when she is constantly telling me that she is soooooo exhausted. I would like to be a team. Once in a blue moon it would be nice if she said "You look really tired. Rough day we had, huh?" I couldn't even imagine this coming out of her mouth. She is too busy telling me how intense her day was. She has never once said anything like this to me. We need to work as a team but we can't if she is constantly looking for my sympathy and getting angry with me. Advice? I am planning to just try to ignore all of the angry comments or nod my head and say "Yeah, you must be really tired." because I don't see her behavior stopping any time soon. It is kind of futile to say "Oh yeah? I had a rough day to you know! I also work really hard.... blah blah"
Just to be clear. It is OK with me that she wants sympathy and wants me to know she is exhausted. It is a bit hard for me to be sympathetic all the time but what can you do. The problems come with the "It's not fair" stuff and the angry comments that I get from her.

 

[homeseeker79]

Give me a break! She stays home but still puts your 3 year old in day care??? Then says she's tired? Why did you have a 2nd when she obviously can't handle 1? She needs to get a grip - this is Motherhood! I have 4 - she needs to get over it! Tell her to suck it up and pull your 3 year old out of day care as this is a waste of money or put the 1 year old in and tell her to get a job! Why do woman think men have to support them and then they have a right to complain??? I've worked 2 jobs for the last 2 years and my partner works on average 80 hours a week - I'll show your wife tired. She doesn't appreciate you.

 

[MissingU1]

She should feel lucky that she can be a SAHM and should stop complaining. And the 3 year old goes to daycare ! WOW! i can't believe she complains when she doesn't work and takes care of ONE child during the day.

 

[vulcan]

You know nobody ever reads these giant boxes of verbage - and what the hell is a SAHM???

 

[tEric'sWifet\m/^_^\m/]

Are you my husband!? LOL

I totally get what you are saying... and honestly, I don't have a real good answer because I feel like your wife does a lot. Our oldes (who is 3, almost 4) goes to daycare once or twice a week, and i stay at home with our 1 yr old. It seems there may be underlying issues to her getting upset with you, and being with the kids all day could be the last straw sometimes. Perhaps she feels inadeqite as a mom or as a wife? Does she struggle with getting housework done during the day? Does she just feel tired all the time? How is her anxiety level?

Not to say she needs to see her doc, but I did and it turns out, I have a hormonal imbalance that can mess with my moods, low iron levels which can cause me to feel tired all day, and apparently I have anxiety right now cuz she put me on Xanax.. LOL.
I feel better now =)

Well, I hope this helps at least a little.

 

[Holly•Mommytoamm]

First of all if she's a SAHM why is the 3 year old in daycare?? When I was a SAHM I had both kids to watch all by myself when my husband was at work and my kids weren't in daycare, that's kind of defeats the purpose of being a SAHM. It sounds to me like you help out alot and she just doesn't appreciate all that you do. She sounds like she thrives on pity.

 

[wannaplaywith_me]

Guess what??? She wanted kids! These are the sacrifices we make as parents!

 

[AnswerDude1]

First thing you need to do is get a vasectomy! DON'T add another child to this issue!

Then you go about life and do your best and love your wife and listen to her without giving your opinion about her! Some times wives just want you to listen, they don't want you to do anything or give any suggestions they just want you to hear them!

 

[ZORRO]

I did not read all that but the secret to success with the wife SAHM or not is to say

"Yes, dear" a lot.

 

[meganemalloy]

i was a sahm for awhile, then i returned to work. Being a sahm is sooooo different. At your job you have certain tasks, you can expect things. And even if "loops" get thrown into your day you have a minute or two to figure it out, you have the option to set one thing aside and work on another.

SAHM on the other hand can have a happy 1 year old 1 second and a screaming one the next, have fun figuring out what's wrong but in the meantime lunch is burning on the stove and there is laundry to fold and a million other things to do. I love my kids, but i need sanity too. I have a stressful job but my "break" is going to work.

 

[alicialions]

I don't believe there is a man on earth that does all that!

 

[bookitty]

First of all I totally agree with everyone else who states the fact that she is a SAHM yet has her 3 year old in day care. That's bogus! I am a SAHM too, with a 3 year old and a 10 month old, and it is exhausting to a point. When my baby was a newborn that was rough, but now the two play together so much it gives me more time to do other tasks. Maybe if the 3 year old was around the 1 year old could have a playmate and wouldn't be so hard. A routine also helps. But you obviously do more than your fair share with helping her. It sounds to me like she is just resentful of you having a life and a career outside of the house. The next time she starts gripping say, "If you could change anything what would it be?" and take her response and go from there. My husband, like you, helps out above and beyond, and though I've had my selfish moments too, I always ask him how his day was. ALWAYS! I hope you get this issue resolved soon. Having two young children is draining enough, but having a wife who does nothing but complain has to be extra taxing on your nerves! Good luck.