joefriday'sgrrl
New member
- Mar 23, 2008
- 10
- 0
- 1
has a martyr-victim complex? Sorry to be long, but this is complicated, and I really need sound advice:
It's taken me a long time to figure out exactly what I THINK I'm dealing with in this person. I'm fairly convinced the martyr-victim complex is the problem, and I'm not sure if trying to continue a close relationship is worth it. I believe the disorder has its roots in a dysfuntional but traditional hispanic & Roman Catholic household.
There were just two daughters, the older with severe developmental delays. They're middle-aged adults now, but the older is still like a toddler. The mother was the martyr in the family until her death. Now this friend of mine (a hospital administrator, no less) has taken on all the burden of working full-time, then doing all the housekeeping and caregiving once a nanny has left for the day. The father, though alive and well, takes no responsibilty and is silent, stoic, verbally harsh and intimidating. He goes about his business as though he lives alone in the home they all share.
The problem is that my friend constantly complains about her life, but won't do anything to improve it or do anything pleasurable for herself, even when it's entirely possible and easy solutions are obvious to everyone else. She won't even allow herself to watch an occasional TV show after putting the sister to bed, and gave up playing the guitar she once loved. Her response is always, "This is how it's always been, for the eight years since my mother died, and it's not going to change. You don't understand. I have no choice." She rejects all suggestions, no matter how reasonable, and won't even entertain the idea of any help.
Recently, she injured her arm badly lifting her sister, and told me within the same breath that she'd been told she really needed surgery right away, and she was NOT going to have it. I could not convince her that it made more sense to have it done now and let someone else handle things at home for a week, than to let the arm get worse, and then not be able to use it at all to help the sister going forward.
She can behave like an overly needy and clingy child who needs constant reassurance, but then she can't tolerate hearing compliments. She almost acts as if praise is painful to hear! There is a tiresome, draining cycle of her begging for love, and then pushing away through obnoxious behavior. After that, she over-apologizes and debases herself, calling herself all kinds of terrible names .
Is she destined to be like this forever?
It's taken me a long time to figure out exactly what I THINK I'm dealing with in this person. I'm fairly convinced the martyr-victim complex is the problem, and I'm not sure if trying to continue a close relationship is worth it. I believe the disorder has its roots in a dysfuntional but traditional hispanic & Roman Catholic household.
There were just two daughters, the older with severe developmental delays. They're middle-aged adults now, but the older is still like a toddler. The mother was the martyr in the family until her death. Now this friend of mine (a hospital administrator, no less) has taken on all the burden of working full-time, then doing all the housekeeping and caregiving once a nanny has left for the day. The father, though alive and well, takes no responsibilty and is silent, stoic, verbally harsh and intimidating. He goes about his business as though he lives alone in the home they all share.
The problem is that my friend constantly complains about her life, but won't do anything to improve it or do anything pleasurable for herself, even when it's entirely possible and easy solutions are obvious to everyone else. She won't even allow herself to watch an occasional TV show after putting the sister to bed, and gave up playing the guitar she once loved. Her response is always, "This is how it's always been, for the eight years since my mother died, and it's not going to change. You don't understand. I have no choice." She rejects all suggestions, no matter how reasonable, and won't even entertain the idea of any help.
Recently, she injured her arm badly lifting her sister, and told me within the same breath that she'd been told she really needed surgery right away, and she was NOT going to have it. I could not convince her that it made more sense to have it done now and let someone else handle things at home for a week, than to let the arm get worse, and then not be able to use it at all to help the sister going forward.
She can behave like an overly needy and clingy child who needs constant reassurance, but then she can't tolerate hearing compliments. She almost acts as if praise is painful to hear! There is a tiresome, draining cycle of her begging for love, and then pushing away through obnoxious behavior. After that, she over-apologizes and debases herself, calling herself all kinds of terrible names .
Is she destined to be like this forever?