I had a suicide attempt back in September, and I got diagnosed as Bipolar II. They were still playing with my medications when I asked my mom if I could stop taking them AND seeing all my doctors. She said I could. (She's pretty much lets me make all the big decisions. I don't really agree with her parenting style, but what am I going to do? Tell her not to listen to me?) I know it wasn't smart, but nothing they did worked and I was having really bad side effects with all of the meds, and I was in such a bad place, I just couldn't do it anymore.
But the thing is, I'm really depressed right now. It just keeps coming back. I have no energy and no motivation. I'm trying so hard, but it's like I can't pull myself up. And my mind is really... chaotic, I guess? I get random images and flashbacks and stuff and it's like I'm barely in control of my thoughts, if that makes any sense at all. Simple, innocent things seem really sinister to me, and it's like I just CAN'T feel happy. I'm having trouble sleeping and it's taking every ounce of energy I have to keep up with my schoolwork.
I feel that I really need to go back on meds and get stable. I'm not saying that I'm suicidal because I've definitely realized that I don't want to die, but it just isn't enough to not want to die. I want to WANT to live too. I'm in a worse state of mind than I was when I attempted, if that tells you anything. (but again, I'm not suicidal.)
The problem is this: my dad got fired from his job recently and we lost our insurance. I don't know what to do. We can't afford it without insurance. I feel really greedy, but I am positive that if I don't do anything (whether that means therapy or meds or both) it will continue to get worse and I'll just start feeling more and more hopeless and I think that eventually I'll have a weak moment and decide to kill myself. (that sounded very melodramatic, but that's just how I feel.)
Is there anything I can do? Or do I just have to stick it out?
But the thing is, I'm really depressed right now. It just keeps coming back. I have no energy and no motivation. I'm trying so hard, but it's like I can't pull myself up. And my mind is really... chaotic, I guess? I get random images and flashbacks and stuff and it's like I'm barely in control of my thoughts, if that makes any sense at all. Simple, innocent things seem really sinister to me, and it's like I just CAN'T feel happy. I'm having trouble sleeping and it's taking every ounce of energy I have to keep up with my schoolwork.
I feel that I really need to go back on meds and get stable. I'm not saying that I'm suicidal because I've definitely realized that I don't want to die, but it just isn't enough to not want to die. I want to WANT to live too. I'm in a worse state of mind than I was when I attempted, if that tells you anything. (but again, I'm not suicidal.)
The problem is this: my dad got fired from his job recently and we lost our insurance. I don't know what to do. We can't afford it without insurance. I feel really greedy, but I am positive that if I don't do anything (whether that means therapy or meds or both) it will continue to get worse and I'll just start feeling more and more hopeless and I think that eventually I'll have a weak moment and decide to kill myself. (that sounded very melodramatic, but that's just how I feel.)
Is there anything I can do? Or do I just have to stick it out?