Britluvzyaxoxo
New member
- Mar 7, 2008
- 21
- 0
- 1
ok.... for all u texans out there, u should find this the most hilarious, but it is funny as hell for anyone else with a sense of humor also
Texas Chili Contest
If you can read this whole story without laughing then there's no
hope for you. I was crying by the end. Note: Please take time to read
this slowly. If you pay attention to the first two judges, the reaction
of the third judge is even better. For those of you who have lived in Texas,
you know how true this is. They actually have a Chili Cook-off about the
time Halloween comes around. It takes up a major portion
of a parking lot at the San Antonio City Park.
Judge #3 was an inexperienced Chili taster named Frank, who was visiting
from Springfield, IL.
Frank: "Recently, I was honored to be selected as a judge at a
chilicook-off. The original person called in sick at the last moment and I
happened to be standing there at the judge's table asking for
directions to the Coors Light truck, when the call came in. I was assured by
the other two judges (Native Texans) that the chili wouldn't be all that
spicy and, besides, they told me I could have free beer during the tasting,
so I accepted." Here are the scorecard notes from the event:
CHILI # 1 - MIKE'S MANIAC MONSTER CHILI...
Judge # 1 -- A little too heavy on the tomato. Amusing kick.
Judge # 2 -- Nice, smooth tomato flavor. Very mild.
Judge # 3 (Frank) -- Holy crap, what the hell is this stuff?
You could
remove dried paint from your driveway. Took me two beers to put the
flames out. I hope that's the worst one. These Texans are crazy.
CHILI # 2 - AUSTIN'S AFTERBURNER CHILI...
Judge # 1 -- Smoky, with a hint of pork. Slight jalapeno tang.
Judge # 2 -- Exciting BBQ flavor, needs more peppers to be taken
seriously.
Judge # 3 -- Keep this out of the reach of children. I'm not sure
what
I'm supposed to taste besides pain. I had to wave off two people who
wanted to give me the Heimlich maneuver. They had to rush in more
beer
when they saw the look on my face.
CHILI # 3 - FRED'S FAMOUS BURN DOWN THE BARN CHILI...
Judge # 1 -- Excellent firehouse chili. Great kick.
judge # 2 -- A bit salty, good use of peppers.
Judge # 3 -- Call the EPA. I've located a uranium spill. My nose
feels
like I have been snorting Drano. Everyone knows the routine by now.
Get me more beer before I ignite. Barmaid pounded me on the back,
now mybackbone is in the front part of my chest. I'm getting ****-faced
from
all of the beer.
CHILI # 4 - BUBBA'S BLACK MAGIC...
Judge # 1 -- Black bean chili with almost no spice. Disappointing.
Judge # 2 -- Hint of lime in the black beans. Good side dish for
fish or
other mild foods, not much of a chili.
Judge # 3 -- I felt something scraping across my tongue, but was
unable
to taste it. Is it possible to burn out taste buds? Sally, the
Beermaid, was standing behind me with fresh refills. That 225-LB
woman
is starting to look HOT...just like this ! nuclear waste I'm eating!
Is
chili an aphrodisiac?
CHILI # 5 LISA'S LEGAL LIP REMOVER...
Judge # 1 -- Meaty, strong chili. Cayenne peppers freshly ground,
adding
considerable kick. Very impressive.
Judge # 2 -- Chili using shredded beef, could use more tomato. Must
admit the cayenne peppers make a strong statement.
Judge # 3 -- My ears are ringing, sweat is pouring off my forehead
and I
can no longer focus my eyes. I farted and four people behind me
needed
paramedics. The contestant seemed offended when I told her that her chili had given me brain damage. Sally saved my tongue from bleeding
by pouring beer directly on it from the pitcher. I wonder if I'm
burning my
lips off. It really pisses me off that the other judges asked me to
stop screaming. Screw those rednecks.
CHILI # 6 - VERA'S VERY VEGETARIAN VARIETY...
Judge # 1 -- Thin yet bold vegetarian variety chili. Good balance of
spices and peppers.
Judge # 2 ! -- The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers, onions, and
garlic.
Superb.
Judge # 3 -- My intestines are now a straight pipe filled with
gaseous,
sulfuric flames. I pooped on myself when I farted and I'm worried it
will
eat through the chair. No one seems inclined to stand behind me
except
that Sally. Can't feel my lips anymore. I need to wipe my ass with a
snow cone.
CHILI # 7 - SUSAN'S SCREAMING SENSATION CHILI...
Judge # 1 -- A mediocre chili with too much reliance on canned
peppers.
Judge # 2 -- Ho hum, tastes as if the chef literally threw in a can
of
chili peppers at the last moment. **I should take note that I am
worried
about Judge # 3. He appears to be in a bit of distress as he is
cursing
uncontrollably.
Judge # 3 -- You could put a grenade in my mouth, pull the pin, and
I
wouldn't feel a thing. I've lost sight in one eye, and the world
sounds
like it is made of rushing water. My shirt is covered with chili,
which
slid unnoticed out of my mouth. My pants are full of lava to match
my
shirt. At least during the autopsy, they'll know what killed me.
I've
decided to stop breathing it's too painful. Screw it; I'm not
getting
Any oxygen anyway. If I need air, I'll just suck it in through the
4-inch hole in my stomach.
CHILI # 8 - BIG TOM'S TOENAIL CURLING CHILI...
Judge # 1 -- The perfect ending, this is a nice blend chili. Not too
bold but spicy enough to declare its existence.
Judge # 2 -- This final entry is a good, balanced chili. Neither
mild
nor hot. Sorry to see that most of it was lost when Judge #3 farted,
> passed out, fell over and pulled the chili pot down on top of
himself.
Not sure if he's going to make it. poor feller, wonder how he'd have
reacted to really hot chili?
Judge # 3 - No Report
Texas Chili Contest
If you can read this whole story without laughing then there's no
hope for you. I was crying by the end. Note: Please take time to read
this slowly. If you pay attention to the first two judges, the reaction
of the third judge is even better. For those of you who have lived in Texas,
you know how true this is. They actually have a Chili Cook-off about the
time Halloween comes around. It takes up a major portion
of a parking lot at the San Antonio City Park.
Judge #3 was an inexperienced Chili taster named Frank, who was visiting
from Springfield, IL.
Frank: "Recently, I was honored to be selected as a judge at a
chilicook-off. The original person called in sick at the last moment and I
happened to be standing there at the judge's table asking for
directions to the Coors Light truck, when the call came in. I was assured by
the other two judges (Native Texans) that the chili wouldn't be all that
spicy and, besides, they told me I could have free beer during the tasting,
so I accepted." Here are the scorecard notes from the event:
CHILI # 1 - MIKE'S MANIAC MONSTER CHILI...
Judge # 1 -- A little too heavy on the tomato. Amusing kick.
Judge # 2 -- Nice, smooth tomato flavor. Very mild.
Judge # 3 (Frank) -- Holy crap, what the hell is this stuff?
You could
remove dried paint from your driveway. Took me two beers to put the
flames out. I hope that's the worst one. These Texans are crazy.
CHILI # 2 - AUSTIN'S AFTERBURNER CHILI...
Judge # 1 -- Smoky, with a hint of pork. Slight jalapeno tang.
Judge # 2 -- Exciting BBQ flavor, needs more peppers to be taken
seriously.
Judge # 3 -- Keep this out of the reach of children. I'm not sure
what
I'm supposed to taste besides pain. I had to wave off two people who
wanted to give me the Heimlich maneuver. They had to rush in more
beer
when they saw the look on my face.
CHILI # 3 - FRED'S FAMOUS BURN DOWN THE BARN CHILI...
Judge # 1 -- Excellent firehouse chili. Great kick.
judge # 2 -- A bit salty, good use of peppers.
Judge # 3 -- Call the EPA. I've located a uranium spill. My nose
feels
like I have been snorting Drano. Everyone knows the routine by now.
Get me more beer before I ignite. Barmaid pounded me on the back,
now mybackbone is in the front part of my chest. I'm getting ****-faced
from
all of the beer.
CHILI # 4 - BUBBA'S BLACK MAGIC...
Judge # 1 -- Black bean chili with almost no spice. Disappointing.
Judge # 2 -- Hint of lime in the black beans. Good side dish for
fish or
other mild foods, not much of a chili.
Judge # 3 -- I felt something scraping across my tongue, but was
unable
to taste it. Is it possible to burn out taste buds? Sally, the
Beermaid, was standing behind me with fresh refills. That 225-LB
woman
is starting to look HOT...just like this ! nuclear waste I'm eating!
Is
chili an aphrodisiac?
CHILI # 5 LISA'S LEGAL LIP REMOVER...
Judge # 1 -- Meaty, strong chili. Cayenne peppers freshly ground,
adding
considerable kick. Very impressive.
Judge # 2 -- Chili using shredded beef, could use more tomato. Must
admit the cayenne peppers make a strong statement.
Judge # 3 -- My ears are ringing, sweat is pouring off my forehead
and I
can no longer focus my eyes. I farted and four people behind me
needed
paramedics. The contestant seemed offended when I told her that her chili had given me brain damage. Sally saved my tongue from bleeding
by pouring beer directly on it from the pitcher. I wonder if I'm
burning my
lips off. It really pisses me off that the other judges asked me to
stop screaming. Screw those rednecks.
CHILI # 6 - VERA'S VERY VEGETARIAN VARIETY...
Judge # 1 -- Thin yet bold vegetarian variety chili. Good balance of
spices and peppers.
Judge # 2 ! -- The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers, onions, and
garlic.
Superb.
Judge # 3 -- My intestines are now a straight pipe filled with
gaseous,
sulfuric flames. I pooped on myself when I farted and I'm worried it
will
eat through the chair. No one seems inclined to stand behind me
except
that Sally. Can't feel my lips anymore. I need to wipe my ass with a
snow cone.
CHILI # 7 - SUSAN'S SCREAMING SENSATION CHILI...
Judge # 1 -- A mediocre chili with too much reliance on canned
peppers.
Judge # 2 -- Ho hum, tastes as if the chef literally threw in a can
of
chili peppers at the last moment. **I should take note that I am
worried
about Judge # 3. He appears to be in a bit of distress as he is
cursing
uncontrollably.
Judge # 3 -- You could put a grenade in my mouth, pull the pin, and
I
wouldn't feel a thing. I've lost sight in one eye, and the world
sounds
like it is made of rushing water. My shirt is covered with chili,
which
slid unnoticed out of my mouth. My pants are full of lava to match
my
shirt. At least during the autopsy, they'll know what killed me.
I've
decided to stop breathing it's too painful. Screw it; I'm not
getting
Any oxygen anyway. If I need air, I'll just suck it in through the
4-inch hole in my stomach.
CHILI # 8 - BIG TOM'S TOENAIL CURLING CHILI...
Judge # 1 -- The perfect ending, this is a nice blend chili. Not too
bold but spicy enough to declare its existence.
Judge # 2 -- This final entry is a good, balanced chili. Neither
mild
nor hot. Sorry to see that most of it was lost when Judge #3 farted,
> passed out, fell over and pulled the chili pot down on top of
himself.
Not sure if he's going to make it. poor feller, wonder how he'd have
reacted to really hot chili?
Judge # 3 - No Report