dontworrybehappy
New member
- Mar 28, 2008
- 28
- 0
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Yo
Since this is the only message board i really frequent, and i dont want to stress the rest of my family out, i decided to post this here.
Its half to rant; since i find putting these things into words puts them in perspective, and half because i'm having trouble deciding whats best...
Bit of background...
My father and mother broke up when i was 4, he cheated on her and my mother threw him out, so he went to live in a small flat (apartment).
It was good thing for me because, despite being only 4 and devastated daddy was leaving, he had no patiance and i remember being put over his knee and sent to my room multiple times a day for average kid things.
In the long run it has been better for my mental health.
From then until i was 13 i saw him on weekends and occasionally went on holiday with him.
He has an awful temper, a seemingly permanant frown, and if anyone asks how he is he is always "Just Tired..."
I'm the only person he seems to genuinly smile at or speak frankly with, as he doesnt get along with the rest of his family, and he has been married 3 times that i know of with a new relationship until he finds one he wants to marry.
Even then he always seems irritated and 'secretly' tells me that 'He isnt gunna put up with it for much longer.'
When i was 13 me and my mother moved to live 60/70 miles away from him to be near my grandmother; and since then i saw him roughly twice a year and we talked monthly.
He blamed my mother for bringing me too far away, and he was rarely willing to take the time to drive and pick me up.
When i called him i "Dont call often enough" or "It wouldnt kill me to dial his number." and the call would last mabye 3 minutes of him usually sounding about as cheerful about my call as if he was attending a funeral.
If i mentioned that he could also call more often and that it wasnt just me who could work a phone he would dismiss it and move the conversation on.
He also stopped paying child maintanace at around age 14, after years of being highly unreliable for it; something my single full-time mother needed to raise me.
Now to the problem.
In the last year things have begun to degrade, and i'm starting to question if i should just cut my feeling for him away to save me the pain. But then guilt steps up and reminds me heis family, and though self inflicted, he has a lot of problems.
I started to truly question things when i crashed my motorbike and damaged my back.
I was kinda upset that despite being okay that he wouldnt be able to visit for days, despite the fact my best friend who doesnt even have a car managed to visit the next day.
When your laid in a hospital bed, too weak to walk, you have a lot of time to think.
The irritating part was when i was released a few days early.
I was let out of the hospital because i was better than the doctor expected, and my father was annoyed that i was discharged because he would have to drive an extra 20 miles to see me.
It turned out i was only getting a visit because he was working in the area that week.
Never the less, he visted, and was gone within 20 minutes.
After that i heard from him mabye once every 2 months, and have seen him once in the last year.
He recently got divorced from his (most recent) wife, and threw himself into his work 7 days a week. He also had a new girlfriend. He called me and informed me of this.
Well, recently if you call 6 months ago recent.
He also chose that call to inform my mother, and not his adult son, that the doctors had found a lump on his skin that could possibly be cancer.
So for the next 5 months i heard nothing, and i couldnt call him because i didnt have an active phone number for him.
Plus i was angry with him for not caring enough to even let me know he might be ill.
Recently i even wondered if he had gotten ill and died, since even my father had never gone 5 moths without contacting me to yell at me for not calling him.
It got to the point i scowled at the mention of him, and my mother went behind my back and emailed him because Xan is worried if you are okay. and asking for his new number in case of an emergancy.
I got, and not even me really since it was behind my back, one stinking line of text after 5 months of no contact.
Had lump removed. ###########(new number).
Well, after 18 years of him being a bad father, and me loving him all the while this was like a punch in the gut.
A single line of text after 5 months of worrying about something he hadnt even the guts to tell me?.
He still hasnt called a month later. I havent called him because quite frankly if he hasnt got time for me, i havent got time for him. I had time for him for 17 years and i was rewarded with pain.
Things have been going relativly smoothly without us contacting eachother and i thought i had broken our ties and moved on.
Today i was proved wrong.
Today, Halloween, is his birthday.
This year i didnt send him a card or presant, for 3 reasons. first, because i didnt think he deserved them, 2nd because i'm not sure of his address.
And 3rd because i thought it might iritate him enough to get him to call and tell me off like a 5 year old, as was his habbit.
Got a call at 9am this morning but i was asleep and dint answer it, so there had been a message on the machine that i didnt have the guts to see who was from.
Well, 2 hours ago i checked it.
It was the friggin dentist -_-'
Now it is 10:30 and he hasnt even called to bitch at me.
Quite frankly i dont know were to go with all this.
I could send him a card late and leave it at that; send him a card every year until he passes away but rarely if ever actually talk to him.
I could once again put my feelings out to be hurt again by calling him and attempting to fix a relationship i'm pretty sure will simply colapse again without me dedicating 80% of the effort while i'm not sure he will even give 20%.
I could just not send him anything and completly ignore him and try to get on with my life, since i havent got a girlfriend or a job and really need to get both.
But i keep feeling guilty, as though its my fault (despite that for half our relationship there was nothing i could do, and the latter half we were already so distant it would have been hard to fix without massive help from him.)
I keep imagining him sat in his clean, barely used house alone on his birthday, with mabye 2 cards from his co-workers ont he fireplace.
I keep imagining he is sicker than he lets on, and that he is keeping me at a distance to save me the pain, and that he is sat there, a card-less dying man with no friends and a family he barely speaks to.
This is what i truly fear.
God, i keep picturing Life as a House with Gendo Ikari as the dad.
I honestly dont know what to do.
But what can i really do if he isnt willing to expend the effort to help fix us?
Ugh, now i fell like crap. It did put it in perspective. Not only does it sound like a bad drama series, it is terribly depressing. :notrust
I'd apreciate some well thought out advice. I truly feel like crap.
Since this is the only message board i really frequent, and i dont want to stress the rest of my family out, i decided to post this here.
Its half to rant; since i find putting these things into words puts them in perspective, and half because i'm having trouble deciding whats best...
Bit of background...
My father and mother broke up when i was 4, he cheated on her and my mother threw him out, so he went to live in a small flat (apartment).
It was good thing for me because, despite being only 4 and devastated daddy was leaving, he had no patiance and i remember being put over his knee and sent to my room multiple times a day for average kid things.
In the long run it has been better for my mental health.
From then until i was 13 i saw him on weekends and occasionally went on holiday with him.
He has an awful temper, a seemingly permanant frown, and if anyone asks how he is he is always "Just Tired..."
I'm the only person he seems to genuinly smile at or speak frankly with, as he doesnt get along with the rest of his family, and he has been married 3 times that i know of with a new relationship until he finds one he wants to marry.
Even then he always seems irritated and 'secretly' tells me that 'He isnt gunna put up with it for much longer.'
When i was 13 me and my mother moved to live 60/70 miles away from him to be near my grandmother; and since then i saw him roughly twice a year and we talked monthly.
He blamed my mother for bringing me too far away, and he was rarely willing to take the time to drive and pick me up.
When i called him i "Dont call often enough" or "It wouldnt kill me to dial his number." and the call would last mabye 3 minutes of him usually sounding about as cheerful about my call as if he was attending a funeral.
If i mentioned that he could also call more often and that it wasnt just me who could work a phone he would dismiss it and move the conversation on.
He also stopped paying child maintanace at around age 14, after years of being highly unreliable for it; something my single full-time mother needed to raise me.
Now to the problem.
In the last year things have begun to degrade, and i'm starting to question if i should just cut my feeling for him away to save me the pain. But then guilt steps up and reminds me heis family, and though self inflicted, he has a lot of problems.
I started to truly question things when i crashed my motorbike and damaged my back.
I was kinda upset that despite being okay that he wouldnt be able to visit for days, despite the fact my best friend who doesnt even have a car managed to visit the next day.
When your laid in a hospital bed, too weak to walk, you have a lot of time to think.
The irritating part was when i was released a few days early.
I was let out of the hospital because i was better than the doctor expected, and my father was annoyed that i was discharged because he would have to drive an extra 20 miles to see me.
It turned out i was only getting a visit because he was working in the area that week.
Never the less, he visted, and was gone within 20 minutes.
After that i heard from him mabye once every 2 months, and have seen him once in the last year.
He recently got divorced from his (most recent) wife, and threw himself into his work 7 days a week. He also had a new girlfriend. He called me and informed me of this.
Well, recently if you call 6 months ago recent.
He also chose that call to inform my mother, and not his adult son, that the doctors had found a lump on his skin that could possibly be cancer.
So for the next 5 months i heard nothing, and i couldnt call him because i didnt have an active phone number for him.
Plus i was angry with him for not caring enough to even let me know he might be ill.
Recently i even wondered if he had gotten ill and died, since even my father had never gone 5 moths without contacting me to yell at me for not calling him.
It got to the point i scowled at the mention of him, and my mother went behind my back and emailed him because Xan is worried if you are okay. and asking for his new number in case of an emergancy.
I got, and not even me really since it was behind my back, one stinking line of text after 5 months of no contact.
Had lump removed. ###########(new number).
Well, after 18 years of him being a bad father, and me loving him all the while this was like a punch in the gut.
A single line of text after 5 months of worrying about something he hadnt even the guts to tell me?.
He still hasnt called a month later. I havent called him because quite frankly if he hasnt got time for me, i havent got time for him. I had time for him for 17 years and i was rewarded with pain.
Things have been going relativly smoothly without us contacting eachother and i thought i had broken our ties and moved on.
Today i was proved wrong.
Today, Halloween, is his birthday.
This year i didnt send him a card or presant, for 3 reasons. first, because i didnt think he deserved them, 2nd because i'm not sure of his address.
And 3rd because i thought it might iritate him enough to get him to call and tell me off like a 5 year old, as was his habbit.
Got a call at 9am this morning but i was asleep and dint answer it, so there had been a message on the machine that i didnt have the guts to see who was from.
Well, 2 hours ago i checked it.
It was the friggin dentist -_-'
Now it is 10:30 and he hasnt even called to bitch at me.
Quite frankly i dont know were to go with all this.
I could send him a card late and leave it at that; send him a card every year until he passes away but rarely if ever actually talk to him.
I could once again put my feelings out to be hurt again by calling him and attempting to fix a relationship i'm pretty sure will simply colapse again without me dedicating 80% of the effort while i'm not sure he will even give 20%.
I could just not send him anything and completly ignore him and try to get on with my life, since i havent got a girlfriend or a job and really need to get both.
But i keep feeling guilty, as though its my fault (despite that for half our relationship there was nothing i could do, and the latter half we were already so distant it would have been hard to fix without massive help from him.)
I keep imagining him sat in his clean, barely used house alone on his birthday, with mabye 2 cards from his co-workers ont he fireplace.
I keep imagining he is sicker than he lets on, and that he is keeping me at a distance to save me the pain, and that he is sat there, a card-less dying man with no friends and a family he barely speaks to.
This is what i truly fear.
God, i keep picturing Life as a House with Gendo Ikari as the dad.
I honestly dont know what to do.
But what can i really do if he isnt willing to expend the effort to help fix us?
Ugh, now i fell like crap. It did put it in perspective. Not only does it sound like a bad drama series, it is terribly depressing. :notrust
I'd apreciate some well thought out advice. I truly feel like crap.