A man walks into a bar and asks for a glass of water. The bartender pulls out a

Genie

One day, a man walked into a bar. He say's to the bartender, "If I
show you the most amazing thing in your life, will you give me
five free beers?"

The bartender says, "Show me this amazing thing first."

So the man takes out a 10 inch man and a tiny piano.

The 10 inch man starts playing the piano. The bartender scratches
his head and says, "Wow, that is amazing. Here are your five
beers. How did you do that?"

"There is a magic lamp outside. Rub it and a genie comes out and
will grant you one wish."

So the bartender goes outside, finds the lamp, and rubs it. Then
the genie comes out and says "I am the genie of this lamp. I will
grant one wish. Choose carefully."

"I want 10,000,000 bucks." As soon as he made his wish, 10,000,000
ducks came out of nowhere.

The bartender goes back into the bar.

"Boy" he says to the man, "that genie sure does have bad hearing."

The man answers: "I know, did you really think I asked for a 10
inch pianist?"
 
haha

ok a man walkes into a bar and orders a drink while he starts to tell him how bad his day was the man said " this whole week has been a mess i got fired from my job, my 13 year old girl is pregnant and my wife left me" as he was done saying this his best friend walkes in downs the mans drink and sits. the man now starts to cry and his friend cant help asking whats wrong the man replies "all of this and my best friend drinks my poison!!"
 
Superman

Man walks into a bar. sits and orders a drink. the guy next to him ask so what brings you here. The man says " My wife just told me she wants a divorce." The guys says "man thats rough". well the man and the guy drank for the rest of the night. bartender finally says its time to close up. The guys says to the man " Lets go to the empire state building i got something i want to show you". the man agrees.

When they get to the top the Guy gets on the ledge and say " watch this" then jumps off. falls and gets 1ft from the ground and suddenly starts flying back up. when he makes it to the top the man says " how the hell did you do that". The guy replies " there is a up draft that is strong enough to push you back up. " the man says i gotta try this" and jump but ends up falling to his death.

The next day the Guy go's back to the bar. the bartender has the news on and the headline story is about a man that jumped off. The bartender recognizes him and turns to the guy and says to him " Superman your a real ass when your drunk"
 
A guy walks into a bar and orders a shot of whisky. He gulps it down and peeks into his shirt pocket. He orders another shot of whisky, gulps it down and peeks into his short pocket. He orders a third shot and does the same thing. After the sixth shot, he asks the bartender for the bill, pays and starts to walk out.
Curiosity gets the better of the bartender and he says to the guy, "Excuse me, but I noticed that every time you drank a shot, you kept looking into your pocket. I was wondering what's in your pocket."
The guy slurs, "Well, I have a picture of my wife in my pocket. I keep drinking until she starts to look good.":emot0:
 
A police man is driving down the road when all of the sudden the freeway starts to get backed up. Not long after, he finds himself stuck in traffic going about 20 miles an hour. So he drives up around the traffic to see what the problem was.

When he gets to the front, he sees 3 nuns driving in a car at about 20 miles an hour. So he pulls them over and lets the traffic get by. He then asks them "Do you know the speed limit."

They answer, "Yes" and they point towards the 22 freeway sign and say "We were going 22 miles per hour.

The policeman shakes his head and says, "No, that's the freeway sign... the speed limit sign is over there." And with that he points to the correct MPH sign.

"Ohhh..." said all of the nuns until the nun in the back starts cracking up.

"What's wrong" asks the police man...

The nun replies, "Well, you should have seen us yesterday on the 405!"
 
There was this guy at a bar, just looking at his drink. He stays like that for half of an hour.

Then, this big trouble-making truck driver steps next to him, takes the drink from the guy, and just drinks it all down. The poor man starts crying. The truck driver says, "Come on man, I was just joking. Here, I'll buy you another drink. I just can't stand to see a man cry."

"No, it's not that. This day is the worst of my life. First, I fall asleep, and I go late to my office. My boss, outrageous, fires me. When I leave the building, to my car, I found out it was stolen. The police said that they can do nothing. I get a cab to return home, and when I leave it, I remember I left my wallet and credit cards there. The cab driver just drives away."

"I go home, and when I get there, I find my wife in bed with the gardener. I leave home, and come to this bar. And just when I was thinking about putting an end to my life, you show up and drink my poison."
 
laggard Thai

A baseball walks into a bar, and the bartender throws him out. (thanks to Dan Birr)

A guy walks into a bar with a dog. He claims the dog can talk. "Give me a beer and I'll show you." The bartender slides a beer to him and the man asks the dog, "Fido, what is that above our heads?" The dog says, "Roof!" The irritated bartender says, "That's not talking, he sounds like any other dog." The man says, "OK, how about this - Fido, who was the best baseball player of all time?" The dog says, "Ruth!" The bartender throws the man and the dog out of the bar. Fido says to the man, "Ya think I shouldda said DiMaggio?" (thanks to Quinton Parker)

A drunk walks out of a bar and sees a nun standing at a bus stop. He walks up to her and punches her in the face. When she falls to the ground, he starts screaming, "You're not so tough now, are you, Batman?"

A man from North Carolina goes into a bar in New England. He asks the bartender, "Did you go to Harvard?" The bartender says, "Yale." The North Carolinan says, "DID YOU GO TO HARVARD?"

A drunk goes into a bar. The bartender tosses him out as he is too drunk. The drunk walks back into the bar. Again, the bartender throws him out for being too drunk. Again the drunk walks into the bar. The bartender is just about the throw him out when the drunk looks at him and says, "How many bars do you own, anyway?" (thanks to Paolo Ruffini)

A pirate walks into a bar with a steering wheel hanging from his belt. The bartender asks, "What's that for?" The pirate responds, "Aarrr, its driving me nuts". (thanks to Colleen de Wit)

John Hurt walks into a bar, with that alien emerging from his chest. The bartender asks, "What's gotten into you?" (thanks to Patty Kennedy)

A default Sans Serif font walks into a bar. The bartender says, "Sorry, we don't serve your type here!" (thanks to Tony Horvath)

A guy walks into a bar with a duck on his head. The bartender says, "Can I help you?" The duck says, "Yeah, you can get this guy off my butt!" (thanks to Tony Horvath)

A corn stalk walks into a bar. The bartender says, "Wanna hear a good joke?" The corn stalk says, "I'm all ears!" (thanks to Tony Horvath)

Two guys walk into a bar, the third one ducks. (thanks to Aimee Charbeneau)

A giraffe walks into a bar. The bartender says, "Do you want a long neck?" The giraffe says, "Do I have a choice?" (thanks to Keith Steeber)

A guy walks into a bar. The bartender says, "Do you want to play a game? See those two rib-eyes nailed to the ceiling? You get to throw one dart. If you hit one, you get to take them home and I'll give you a free drink." The man says, "No thanks, the steaks are too high." (thanks to Steve Mallett)

A guy walks into a bar. He says to the bartender, "Can I have a bag of helicopter flavor chips?" The barkeep says, "Sorry, we only have plain." (thanks to Mark)

A guy walks into a bar with a newt on his shoulder. "What do you call that?", asks the bartender. "I call him Tiny, because he's my newt!" (thanks to Dwight Perkins)

A soccer ball walks into a bar. The bartender kicked him out. (thanks to Devin Shannon)

A book walks into a bar. The bartender says, "Please, no stories!" (thanks to Michael Holba)

A giraffe walks into a bar. "High balls are on me!" (thanks to Robert O'Keefe)

A magician walks down an alley and turns into a bar. (thanks to Louie)

Charles Dickens walks into a bar and orders a martini. The bartender asks, "Olive or twist?" (thanks to Ric)

A leprechaun walks into a bar. The bartender serves him and says, "That'll be $2.50." The leprechaun puts two dollar bills on the bar and starts walking away. The barkeep shouts, "You're a little short!" (thanks to Loke Rivano Wangelin)

A man walks into a bar. OUCH! You would have thought he would have seen it! (thanks to Mark Lee)

A mushroom walks into a bar and the bartender says "We don't serve your kind here." and the mushroom says - "Why not? I'm a fungi."

A horse walks into a bar, across the room, up the back wall, across the ceiling, down the front wall and then up to the bar. The bartender gives the horse a beer, he drinks it and leaves. A guy sitting at the bar looks perplexed and asks the bartender "Hey, what's that all about?" The bartender replies, "Don't take it personally, he never says 'Hi' to anyone."

Descartes walks into a bar. The bartender asks, "Would you like a beer?" Descartes replies, "I think not", then disappeared. (thanks to Dennis McGrath)

A Kabbalist walks into a bar. The bartender asks, "Why the long face?"

An amnesiac comes into a bar. He asks, "Do I come here often?"

John Kerry walks into a bar. The bartender says, "Why the long face?"

A pony walks into a bar and coughs, "Hey, COUGH. Gimme a bu COUGH a beer COUGH. The bartender serves him and says, "What's with your voice?" The pony says, "Nothing, I'm just a little hoarse." (thanks to Loke Rivano Wangelin)

A guy walks into a bar with jumper cables. The bartender says, "You can come in, but don't start anything!"

A man walks into a bar and says, "Give me a beer before problems start!" Again, the man orders a beer again saying, "Give me a beer before problems start!" The bartender looks confused. This goes on for a while, and after the fifth beer the bartender is totally confused and asks the man, "When are you going to pay for these beers?" The man answers, "Ah, now the problems start!"

An old lady walks into a bar with a duck under her arm. A scraggly old drunk staggers over, takes one look, and says, "Jeeeez, that's the UGLIEST thing I ever saw!" The woman turns her nose up at him and says, "This happens to be a stately creature! Go away, you horrid man!" The old drunk yells, "Lady, I was talkin' to the duck!"

A man goes into a bar with a giraffe, they both get a couple of rounds in. When they get up to leave they're extremely drunk and the giraffe passes out and falls over. The man opens the door, about to leave by himself, when the bartender stops him suddenly and says, "Hey! You can't leave that lyin' there!" The man turns around and slurs, "Don't be silly, that's not a lion, that's a giraffe!"

A piece of rope walks into a bar and the bartender says, "We don't serve your kind." The rope goes outside, ties himself in a knot and frays one end of himself. He walks back into the bar and the bartender says, "Weren't you just in here?" The rope replies, "No, I'm a frayed knot."

A man runs into a bar and asks the barkeep, "Give me ten shots of your best whisky." The bartender sets up the ten glasses. The man starts drinking them as quickly as the bartender serves them. The bartender asks, "Why are you drinking so fast?" "You'd drink fast too, if you had what I have." The bartender asks, "What do you have?" "Seventy cents." (thanks to PK)

A neutron walks into a bar and orders a beer. The bartender sets the beer down and says, "For you, no charge!"

A woman goes into a bar and asks for a "double entendre". So the bartender gave her one.

A pig goes into a bar and orders ten drinks. He finishes them up and the bartender says, "Don't you need to know where the bathroom is?" The pig says, "No, I go wee wee all the way home."

A man walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under his arm and says, "A beer please, and one for the road."

A penguin walks into a bar, goes to the counter, and asks the bartender, "Have you seen my brother?" The bartender asks, "I don't know, what does he look like?"

A kangaroo walks into a bar. He orders a beer. The bartender says, "That'll be $10. You know, we don't get many kangaroos coming in here, you know." The kangaroo says, "At $10 a beer, it's not hard to understand."

A termite walks into a bar and asks, "Is the bartender here?"

A hamburger walks into a bar and the bartender says, "Sorry, we don't serve food in here."

A dog with his leg wrapped in bandages hobbles into a saloon. He sidles up to the bar and announces: "I'm lookin' fer the man that shot my paw."

A horse walks into a bar. The bartender says, "So, why the long face?"

A guy walks into a bar, sits down and hears a small voice say, "You look nice today." A few minutes later he again hears a small voice, "That's a nice shirt." The guy asks the bartender, "Who is that?" The bartender says, "Those are the peanuts. They're complimentary!"

A baby seal walks into a bar. "What can I get you?" asks the bartender. "Anything but a Canadian Club," replies the seal.

A bear walked into a bar and says, "I'll have a beer......and some of those peanuts." The bartender says, "Why the big pause?"

Celine Dion walks into a bar. The bartender says, "So, why the long face?"

A drunk staggers out of a bar and runs right into two priests. He says, "I'm Jesus Christ." The first priest says, "No, son, you're not." So the drunk says it to the second priest. The second priest says, "No, son, you're not." The drunk says, "Look, I can prove it." He walks back into the bar with the two priests. The bartender takes one look at the drunk and exclaims, "Jesus Christ, you're here again?"

A grasshopper hops into a bar. The bartender says, "You're quite a celebrity around here. We've even got a drink named after you." The grasshopper says, "You've got a drink named Steve?"

A goldfish walks into a bar and looks at the bartender. The bartender asks, "What can I get you?" The goldfish says, "Water."

Shakespeare walks into a bar and asks the bartender for a beer. "I can't serve you." says the bartender. "You're Bard!"

A man walks into a bar and sits down next to a lady and a dog. The man asks, "Does your dog bite?". The lady answers, "Never!" The man reaches out to pet the dog and the dog bites him. The man says, "I thought you said your dog doesn't bite!" The woman replies, "He doesn't. This isn't my dog."

A guy walks into a bar and there is a horse behind the bar serving drinks. The guy is just staring at the horse, when the horse says, "What are you staring at? Haven't you ever seen a horse serving drinks before?" The guy says, "No, I never thought the parrot would sell the place."

A cowboy walks into a bar. Upon leaving, he realizes that someone has painted his horse. The cowboy yells, "Which one of you painted my horse?" A seven foot tall hulk of a man says, menacingly, "I did." The cowboy realizes he is in trouble and replies, "Why, thank you - the first coat's dry!"

A man walks into a bar with a dog. The bartender says, "Hey buddy, can't you read that sign? It says no dogs allowed! Get that mutt out of here!" The man replies, "No, I can't read the sign - I'm blind, and this is my seeing eye dog." The bartender is embarrassed and gives the man a beer on the house. Later that day, the guy is telling his friend about it: "I told him I was blind and I got a free beer!" The friend then takes his dog into the bar and sits down, and the bartender says, "The sign says no dogs allowed! You'll have to leave!" The friend says, "Sorry, I can't see the sign because I'm blind, and this is my seeing eye dog." The bartender replies, "Since when do they give out Chihuahuas as seeing eye dogs?" The man says, "They gave me a Chihuahua?"

A giraffe walks into a bar. The bartender says, "Why the long face?" (This joke never gets old)

A man walked into a bar holding an alligator. He asked the bartender, "Do you serve lawyers here?" The bartender said, "Yes, we do!" "Good," replied the man. "Give me a beer, and I'll have a lawyer for my alligator."

A little guy walks into a bar and slips on some vomit. Minutes later a tough guy walks into the bar and slips on the vomit as well. The little guy says, "I just did that." The big guy then beats the little guy up.

A skeleton walks into a bar and says, "Gimme a beer, and a mop."

A guy walks into a bar and sees a woman at the end of the bar. The man says to the bartender, "I'll have a beer and I'd like to buy a drink for the douchebag at the end of the bar. The bartender says, "OK, but you shouldn't talk to a woman like that." The bartender asks the woman what she would like. The woman says, "I'll have a vinegar and water." (thanks to Gerald Judd)

A polar bear, a giraffe and a penguin walk into a bar. The bartender says, "What is this? Some kind of joke?"

A brain walks into a bar and orders a pint of beer. The barman says, "I'm not serving you, you're out of your skull!"

A professor walks into a bar and orders a double martinous. The bartender says, "you mean a double martini?" The professor says, "If I want more than one I'll ask for it."

A crow walks into a bar wearing a pearl necklace. He orders a drink. "I've never seen a crow wearing a pearl necklace before", says the barkeep. "What do you expect with basic black?", says the crow.

An Irishman walks out of a bar. Hey, it COULD happen! (thanks to Thorn)

A snake walks into a bar. Waaaa? (thanks to Evets)

A dyslexic guy walks into a bra.

A Canadian guy walks into a bar, on the stool next to him is some footwear. The says to the bartender, "What's this - a boot?"
 
A piece of string walks into a bar. He hops up onto a stool and yells
to the bartender, "Hey! Gimme a drink!" The bartender picks up the
string and throws it into the street. The string thinks, "I'll show
'im. I'll go back in disguise, he won't know it's me, and at the last
minute I'll humiliate him. So the string contorts its body into a
whole different shape, and frizzes its hair ala a 'fro. It goes back
in, hops onto the stool and asks for a drink. The bartender says,
"You're that piece of string I threw out 5 minutes ago." The string
answers, "No. I'm a frayed knot."
 
Guy walks into a bar and says, "Drinks for everyone, and barkeep, pour
one for yourself too." Everyone thanks him and, a few minutes later,
he buys another round for everyone including the bartender. He orders
a third round and the barkeep says, "Sure, but please pay for the
first two rounds before I pour the third." The generous guy says,
"Money? I don't have any money." The bartender kicks the crap out of
him and throws him into the street. A few minutes later he comes back
in and says, "Barkeep, drinks for everyone. But not for you. you get
nasty when you're drunk."
 
A dog walked into a bar
A dog walked into a bar and asked for a beer. With that a man at the bar said I don't want to drink at the same bar as this dog. The dog and the man got into a fight and the man shot the
dog in the foot. With that the dog yelped out of the bar and down the street.

A week later the same dog walked into the same bar, this time he was wearing a black hat, a black vest, black chaps, black boots, a black gun belt with a pair of black colt .45's one on
either side, and a black bandage around his sore foot. He goes up to the bar and says to the bar tender "I'm looking for the man that shot my paw"
 
A guy walked into a bar and ordered two drinks.
"How about a double instead?" asked the bartender.
"No. I'm drinking with my friend from Denver."



So the bartender gives him the two drinks. He drinks them while alternately
sipping from each glass. This goes on for a few months. A couple of times a
week he comes into the bar to drink with his friend from Denver.





One day he comes in and orders only one drink.
"Did your friend from Denver die?" asked the bartender.
"No. My doctor told me to stop drinking."





Bacon and Eggs walk into a bar. The bartender says, "Sorry, we don't serve breakfast."





A man from Ward 3 sneaked out of the City Hospital down to Shaftesbury Square and ino Lavery's pub still in his dressing gown. He ordered a pint of Smithwick's and a
double Black Bush. Having downed them in 5 minutes he asked for the same again. As he drained the last drops of the Bush he said to the barman, "I shouldn't be drinking
this with what I've got."




The barman stood back, alarmed, and asked "What have you got?"

"About 50p" (not much money) said the patient.





Two blondes walk into the bar....You'd think one of them would of seen it?



A man walks into a bar with a roll of tarmac under his arm and says: "Pint please, and one for the road."




So a five-dollar bill walks into a bar.

Bartender says, "Get outa here! We don't serve your type. This is a singles bar.
 
Pissing in the bar

A man walks into a bar and goes directly to the bar tender:
"I bet you 300 dollars that if you put an empty glass on the bar I will fill it by pissing into it from 8 feet away without spilling a single drop."
The bartender, thinking the 300 dollars would be worth the clean (or the spectacle), agrees.
The man then proceeds to pull down his pants and starts pissing all over the bar. He pisses on the regulars, he pisses on the whole bar, even turns a round and pisses on the table, and practically pisses on everything but the empty glass. Then he smiles, gives the bartender his 300 dollars and then yells to his partner across the room:
"See? I told you I would do it! Now you owe me 5000 dollars!"
 
what about this one??

A rich man meets a lady at the theater and invites her to his house for a drink.she then leaves. an hour later he realizes she intends to burgle him how does he know???

Please help I'm hopeless at these:D
 
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