In Junior High, i took counseling. I'm now 17 years old and i'm about to take counseling again. It's such a weird situation...because i've always been a people pleaser and i can never be myself. When i was taking counseling i was honest about my problems, but i wasn't being honest with myself. It would always be me trying to make a good impression on the therapist. I know have a great therapist and i had her a year ago because i was so insecure about myself, i had low self esteem and i would always compare myself to other girls. She helped me for a while but deep down i was still feeling that way. I'm so vain, it's horrible i look at myself in the mirror like every 5 secs. I do think i'm pretty, but i feel like i need others to tell me that. Like at school, someone people would tell me i'm pretty and it would just brighten my day but if i feel like i'm looking really pretty and then if someone doesn't tell me it, i feel really down. I'm attracted to guys way older than me, and guys my age are never interested in me. I'm mannerly, friendly and independent but i always feel like i have to prove myself to the world...or no one really accepts me for who i am or depending on the person i'm talking to, if i see them as a tough kinda person, i'll try to act the same. It's so horrible.
I'm also so sensitive and emotional. I'm so attached to my mom, it's horrible! we share the same bedroom because it's the only option we have...and i'm so accustomed of being with her a lot, that when i don't get to see her for an amount of time, i'm so sad. For example, my mom used to ride the train with me to school all the time, and i would love it because i'd always get to talk to her all the time about anything. And i told her to stop riding the train with me, because i realize that i'm getting older and i can't keep doing this. But i literally do everything with her, we go out together all the time. I feel like i'm too attached to her and it's getting outta hand. I'm gonna be joining the military soon, and i just wanna get over this feeling. I'll be gone for long amounts of time and i miss my mom all the time. Like sometimes i'd leave school early just to see her before she goes to work, and then i get all sad and emotional. On sundays me and her would go to see my sister and my niece, and they live really far away from us. It would just be the four of us and we'd have so much fun, but then when i'm ready to leave, i get really depressed.
In school, it's hard because i stood home for a while because i was ill and also because i was feeling horrible and depressed. I finally got up and went to school, and now i might have to stay another year. And it just gets to me because i feel like i let my mom down and myself. It's just always so hard as well because i can never relate to my friends, they just don't understand what i'm going through. And i never tell them my problems, because i just don't like them seeing this side of me. They always see me as this strong happy person in school. But inside , i'm really feeling horrible. I do have one friend who knows what i'm going through but he's really busy with work and i don't wanna bother him. It's just so hard to keep living like this.
I'm also so jealous of my sister sometimes because she's the exact opposite, she's never shy, never gets nervous, doesn't really care of what others think of her...and she has a good husband and a lovely daughter, she never lets things get to her, and she's a hard worker...but i'm just so emotional and i always think people are always judging me, or no one will accept me for me. It's just getting so outta hand. I live in fear sometimes, and i keep thinking that i'll be alone for ever or i won't have kids or get married...and i just keep thinking ahead about death and i just keep getting sad and so scared about it. Like whenever i pass by a cemetery and see all those coffins, i get freaked out! and then i think of when i lose a loved one like my mom, how am i gonna continue with my life?
I can't keep continuing to live like this, how do i make this all stop?
I'm also so sensitive and emotional. I'm so attached to my mom, it's horrible! we share the same bedroom because it's the only option we have...and i'm so accustomed of being with her a lot, that when i don't get to see her for an amount of time, i'm so sad. For example, my mom used to ride the train with me to school all the time, and i would love it because i'd always get to talk to her all the time about anything. And i told her to stop riding the train with me, because i realize that i'm getting older and i can't keep doing this. But i literally do everything with her, we go out together all the time. I feel like i'm too attached to her and it's getting outta hand. I'm gonna be joining the military soon, and i just wanna get over this feeling. I'll be gone for long amounts of time and i miss my mom all the time. Like sometimes i'd leave school early just to see her before she goes to work, and then i get all sad and emotional. On sundays me and her would go to see my sister and my niece, and they live really far away from us. It would just be the four of us and we'd have so much fun, but then when i'm ready to leave, i get really depressed.
In school, it's hard because i stood home for a while because i was ill and also because i was feeling horrible and depressed. I finally got up and went to school, and now i might have to stay another year. And it just gets to me because i feel like i let my mom down and myself. It's just always so hard as well because i can never relate to my friends, they just don't understand what i'm going through. And i never tell them my problems, because i just don't like them seeing this side of me. They always see me as this strong happy person in school. But inside , i'm really feeling horrible. I do have one friend who knows what i'm going through but he's really busy with work and i don't wanna bother him. It's just so hard to keep living like this.
I'm also so jealous of my sister sometimes because she's the exact opposite, she's never shy, never gets nervous, doesn't really care of what others think of her...and she has a good husband and a lovely daughter, she never lets things get to her, and she's a hard worker...but i'm just so emotional and i always think people are always judging me, or no one will accept me for me. It's just getting so outta hand. I live in fear sometimes, and i keep thinking that i'll be alone for ever or i won't have kids or get married...and i just keep thinking ahead about death and i just keep getting sad and so scared about it. Like whenever i pass by a cemetery and see all those coffins, i get freaked out! and then i think of when i lose a loved one like my mom, how am i gonna continue with my life?
I can't keep continuing to live like this, how do i make this all stop?