I need help. The people who can help me in my life, I either don’t want to open up to them or if I do, don’t believe me. In some ways, I don’t want to be discovered. I have done a lot to conceal myself. I had lied to cover my core. Its like, I have one chance before I take lunge. That lunge I have been preparing for almost all my life.
I know and like that I don’t fit like a cookie cutter into that category that I will probably fall into sooner or later.
I keep flipping back and forth, making me scream in frustration. Its like, what the hell does my mind want. Do I want it or do I not? I can’t make up my mind. I want it so badly. I have been waiting like a wolf in the thicket. I am going to snap and do it. I feel it like as if I am stretching to grab it. Its almost in my grasp. I feel it so intensely. Its like a drug.
I really thought I dodged a bullet, but I just did a huge swing around and smashed right back into my old self...the person I thought would burn out and vanish into thin air. This has been haunting and taunting my mind for so long, I’ve lost track of time -with this-.
When I move on my own, when the world is at my feet and I have full control over everything, I am going to do it. I will pursue it. I don’t want to and I do. Parts of me beg me no, but its getting too big to control. Its such a strong urge and its all I feel....its all that is going to be my destiny. Why me?! Why can’t it be someone else. I am going to hell for this, but I need it so badly. I know I do. Its all I can think about. I can see the blood on my hands and skin. Its so intoxicating. I love it all. I bought a blade and ski mask. I love it, I take so many photos of my blade. I push it into things and cut fruit with it...anything. I love the stabbing motion of it. I don’t care if I get caught. I want it to last long of course. I wish I can stab myself without any pain..I want to see blood ooze from the wound. I want to see the life get sucked out of the body like vacuum.
Why am I like this? Will this consume me? Am I doomed with this urge being so strong? I know that one day, I will just give in to it?
Thanks.
Please do not report. This is very serious. Its my last hope. I feel like my world is spinning and screaming. I need answers and help. I don't know if I want it, I just need something. In some ways, I think I am something God made to teach his people a lesson. I need to punish people and make them suffer for how sick they are.
I know and like that I don’t fit like a cookie cutter into that category that I will probably fall into sooner or later.
I keep flipping back and forth, making me scream in frustration. Its like, what the hell does my mind want. Do I want it or do I not? I can’t make up my mind. I want it so badly. I have been waiting like a wolf in the thicket. I am going to snap and do it. I feel it like as if I am stretching to grab it. Its almost in my grasp. I feel it so intensely. Its like a drug.
I really thought I dodged a bullet, but I just did a huge swing around and smashed right back into my old self...the person I thought would burn out and vanish into thin air. This has been haunting and taunting my mind for so long, I’ve lost track of time -with this-.
When I move on my own, when the world is at my feet and I have full control over everything, I am going to do it. I will pursue it. I don’t want to and I do. Parts of me beg me no, but its getting too big to control. Its such a strong urge and its all I feel....its all that is going to be my destiny. Why me?! Why can’t it be someone else. I am going to hell for this, but I need it so badly. I know I do. Its all I can think about. I can see the blood on my hands and skin. Its so intoxicating. I love it all. I bought a blade and ski mask. I love it, I take so many photos of my blade. I push it into things and cut fruit with it...anything. I love the stabbing motion of it. I don’t care if I get caught. I want it to last long of course. I wish I can stab myself without any pain..I want to see blood ooze from the wound. I want to see the life get sucked out of the body like vacuum.
Why am I like this? Will this consume me? Am I doomed with this urge being so strong? I know that one day, I will just give in to it?
Thanks.
Please do not report. This is very serious. Its my last hope. I feel like my world is spinning and screaming. I need answers and help. I don't know if I want it, I just need something. In some ways, I think I am something God made to teach his people a lesson. I need to punish people and make them suffer for how sick they are.