Swimmer4life
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- Nov 14, 2011
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What do you think of the preface? It doesn't give too much insight on the story, but it introduces the antagonist.
The concept is a little complex but simply once you know what is going on. Basically, Emrys (antagonist), is a "villain". When he was younger his parents were murdered, now he takes revenge on kid who are ungrateful for their parents, or have a momentary lapse of judgement and are mad at their parents. So the "victim" has to play his "game" to get their parents back. What do you think of this idea? Is it original? How do you think I could make it better?
Am I using proper grammar? What do you think of the name "Emrys"? I beleive it means immortal.
I know this is alot of questions, but I am curious and wish to improve my writing in whatever way possible.
PREFACE
The sky illuminated with a bright blue flash of light, again, one more time, the lightning was all around. The rain was pouring down on my roof; the pitter patter of the drops began to torture me, for I was alone. The night sky flooded with light one more time, lightning filled the outside world and my house as the power went out, the lightning died down filling my house with darkness. As the darkness began close in on me, so did loneliness, aloneness, and solitude. My mind began to wander, the suddenly a thought crossed my mind: where are my parents?
As I began to get up the house flashed with light only to reveal a dark creature before me. He stood in front of me a hidden smirk on his face, blood shot eyes, and a cape, a hood hiding his identity. Was it real, or merely a figment of my imagination?
“Mom!” accidentally slid out of my mouth, “was that you?” Fifteen seconds had passed and I had received no response. My legs started to shake uncontrollably, and a discomforting shiver ran down my spine. At that moment, I knew something was terribly wrong.
“Dad, was that you?” A tear began to slide down the side of my cheek, I was afraid, alone, and helpless. Another fifteen seconds had passed, but there was still no response. When I looked up the figure was gone. In his place there was a note reading: Beware, this was not my last visit.
“Mom, Dad…is anyone there?” I had given up hope, they were gone, but where to remained a mystery. Fifteen seconds later the creature appeared again.
“Why are you doing this, where are my parents?”
“They’ll be back, if you earn it. You must play my game and win.” At the moment winning sounded like a big deal, as if it was hard to do. “My game is nearly impossible to win; there was only ever one victor. You must talk to him if you wish to win.” The voice of this creature sounded like shriek, a low raspy shriek, a shriek from helpless people like me, who were confused and in pain. He vanished.
It seemed to me like this was a dream, how to wake up from it was my question. The best way, or so it seemed, was to pinch myself. Pinching only hurt, so I dunked my head in freezing ice water. That only made me cold. Then it hit me, what if this wasn’t a dream, what if this was reality, a nightmare you could never escape from.
Simply wondering what the game was got me involved, in what turns out to be, the most horrifying experience ever. I felt like I was fighting a never ending battle, so tough on my body I would feel as if I had no endurance left in me. This game wasn’t a dream, this was both mine and my parent’s fate, their lives were in my hands, and this nightmare was the cold, bitter reality of the torturous, merciless Emrys.
Please do not steal my idea, I own all rights to this story. Well, I claim the rights.
Thanks
The concept is a little complex but simply once you know what is going on. Basically, Emrys (antagonist), is a "villain". When he was younger his parents were murdered, now he takes revenge on kid who are ungrateful for their parents, or have a momentary lapse of judgement and are mad at their parents. So the "victim" has to play his "game" to get their parents back. What do you think of this idea? Is it original? How do you think I could make it better?
Am I using proper grammar? What do you think of the name "Emrys"? I beleive it means immortal.
I know this is alot of questions, but I am curious and wish to improve my writing in whatever way possible.
PREFACE
The sky illuminated with a bright blue flash of light, again, one more time, the lightning was all around. The rain was pouring down on my roof; the pitter patter of the drops began to torture me, for I was alone. The night sky flooded with light one more time, lightning filled the outside world and my house as the power went out, the lightning died down filling my house with darkness. As the darkness began close in on me, so did loneliness, aloneness, and solitude. My mind began to wander, the suddenly a thought crossed my mind: where are my parents?
As I began to get up the house flashed with light only to reveal a dark creature before me. He stood in front of me a hidden smirk on his face, blood shot eyes, and a cape, a hood hiding his identity. Was it real, or merely a figment of my imagination?
“Mom!” accidentally slid out of my mouth, “was that you?” Fifteen seconds had passed and I had received no response. My legs started to shake uncontrollably, and a discomforting shiver ran down my spine. At that moment, I knew something was terribly wrong.
“Dad, was that you?” A tear began to slide down the side of my cheek, I was afraid, alone, and helpless. Another fifteen seconds had passed, but there was still no response. When I looked up the figure was gone. In his place there was a note reading: Beware, this was not my last visit.
“Mom, Dad…is anyone there?” I had given up hope, they were gone, but where to remained a mystery. Fifteen seconds later the creature appeared again.
“Why are you doing this, where are my parents?”
“They’ll be back, if you earn it. You must play my game and win.” At the moment winning sounded like a big deal, as if it was hard to do. “My game is nearly impossible to win; there was only ever one victor. You must talk to him if you wish to win.” The voice of this creature sounded like shriek, a low raspy shriek, a shriek from helpless people like me, who were confused and in pain. He vanished.
It seemed to me like this was a dream, how to wake up from it was my question. The best way, or so it seemed, was to pinch myself. Pinching only hurt, so I dunked my head in freezing ice water. That only made me cold. Then it hit me, what if this wasn’t a dream, what if this was reality, a nightmare you could never escape from.
Simply wondering what the game was got me involved, in what turns out to be, the most horrifying experience ever. I felt like I was fighting a never ending battle, so tough on my body I would feel as if I had no endurance left in me. This game wasn’t a dream, this was both mine and my parent’s fate, their lives were in my hands, and this nightmare was the cold, bitter reality of the torturous, merciless Emrys.
Please do not steal my idea, I own all rights to this story. Well, I claim the rights.
Thanks