What do you think of my story?

mmmmmmmmlmmmm

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Dec 23, 2010
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Yep, it's a repost, sorry about that xD:
Okay, I already have 10,000 words with this story, but I just wondered what you thought of the beginning. Sorry if its too long D: You don't have to read it all :)
Merry Christmas & Happy New Year! :)

"Hey." Caspian's breath tickled my ear and his arms snaked around my waist, but I jumped back in shock, the knife falling out of my hand and tumbling to the forest floor.
"Caspian you idiot, I coulda' killed you then!" I snapped, watching in annoyance as he doubled over in laughter.
His blonde hair fell over his ocean blue eyes which creased as he smiled, and he wore a muddy grey shirt and dark blue, ripped jeans. Nonetheless, I couldn't help but laugh at his expense.
Once he had calmed down, he glanced at the lifeless animals hanging from my belt. "Guess you caught somethin' today then?" He mused, his lip turning up in disgust.
"Obviously. Don't look so disgusted, it's how everybody survives. I swear sometimes you act like such a girl." I said, sarcastically.
We stomp through the woods, jumping over logs which had fallen from the trees which loomed above them and often slipping as the rain made the mud squelch under our boots.
We didn't catch any more animals after that, so I headed home, and as a break in the trees revealed my house, I could see mother in the kitchen making her morning tea.
I pushed open the door, my hair completely drenched as she ushered me inside. I grumbled a quiet goodbye to Caspian, and he nodded before mother shut the door and I handed her the animals which I had caught.
"You two would be such a cute couple." She sighed.
I shuddered at the thought. "We're just friends."
Once I had dried off, Ardin came running into the room, his little face a mask of pure fear. I instantly grabbed one of my knives.
"Ardin, what's wrong?" I asked, peering over his shoulder at the kitchen door.
"T-T-They're here, Lira." He stuttered, and I immediately understood.
I pushed him behind me as I ran into the hall, throwing open the front door to reveal the six of them. People had stopped in the streets to stare, whispering to each other.
The first man, all male, stepped forward, his face an unusual pallor and his lips were set in a grim line.
The Heden Taker's were vile, malicious people who served the king. They take one person at random from a city and hand them over to him to do God-knows-what with.
And today, that person was one of my family, or even me.
We backed into the house, stumbling into the living room as they pushed us down onto the scrubby sofa, and they faced us, glaring at us with pure hatred even though we haven't done a thing.
"What brings you here?" I know it was a stupid question, because I knew the answer, but I couldn't help it slipping from my mouth.
Mother grasped my hand, and I gave it a squeeze.
The first man chortled menacingly, and the rest mimicked him. "Dunno' lil' lady. Guess I just liked the look of 'yer 'ouse." The way he spoke down on us made anger bubble up inside me, but I swallowed it down.
These people could kill me right now if they wanted to.
"You seem like a interesting one. Betta' take you then 'eh?" His rather large, sweaty hand gripped my wrist, and he yanked me to my feet.
He crouched down a little, so he was the same heighth as me. A smirk played on his chapped lips as his finger traced my jaw line.
I clenched my teeth together, holding my head high and persuading myself not to do anything to this man involving pain, but it was so tempting.
"So lil' lady, what's your name?" His disgusting, mouldy breath wafted into my face, and my lips curved up in repulsion.
"I don't think my name matters." I spat, slapping his hand away and turning to mother, Ardin curled up beside her, tears slowly making their way down his pale cheeks.
The man placed both of his hands on each side of my face, making me look straight at him. "If you ever, ever, talk to me like that again, I'll kill you." He snarled, and immediate fear jolted through me as five of the others encirlced me, trapping me as they grabbed onto my arms and legs as they holsted my body up from the floor.
I struggled against their grip as mother came screaming after me. They threw me into a black-as-midnight car, which would of cost a lot of money I expected, and my hands began shaking.
What are they going to do with me? Why didn't I just tell them my name? These questions were left unanswered as we began driving out of the street, and I pounded my fists against the windows, doing little but make them angrier.
I saw mother weeping and clutching onto Ardin, but as we rounded the corner, they vanished out of my view.
Something sharp pressed into my neck, and I before I had time to turn around, I felt myself crumbling onto the leather seat, some sort of cloudy blackness engulfing me.


I stretched out in the soft covers, smiling against the warmth. But then everything flooded back to me like walking into a brick wall, and I jolted upright, throwing the covers off me.
This wasn't my room, nothing here belonged to me.
I scrambled out of bed and to the door, which I discovered was locked.
Were they leaving me here to die? That sounds like something they would do.
I screamed as I began kicking the worthless piece of wood, earning a victorious and noticable crack in it when warm arms pried me away.
"Lira that's not going to make things any better." The voice was unfamiliar, and I immediately turned round to see a boy, around my age, standing next to five other people.
"Who're you?" I ordered, reaching for my knives, but they weren't there.
I guess they took them away.
"I'm Ash," He introduced.
"And th
this is Scotti-Lou." He pointed to a red haired girl who smiled at me.
"This is Reuben." The rather handsome boy nodded at me, his blonde hair flopping over his eyes. He reminded me of Caspian.
Caspian. What will he do without me? What about mother and Ardin? How will they cope? I ran a hand through my brown locks and grimanced.
 
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