What do you think of my introduction?!?

[browneyedgirlt]

My paper is on keeping a journal and how it's helped me as a writer.

INTRO:
Keeping a journal over the years has allowed me to express my thoughts without judgment or justification. My journal has listened to all my feelings of rage, jealousy, and every other negative emotion out there without the intent of getting upset at me or talking back at me. It held every secret and it always stayed in the same place allowing me to write whenever I wanted and as much as I needed; it was a great way to vent. Journals have enabled us to go back and learn about the past. Anne Frank and Zlata Filipovi? lived two different lives but told their story in a similar way, through their journals. Journaling serves many purposes and when developing a journal there are many different themes. My journal started with an inspiration but grew into something much greater.

What do you think? What are your suggestions/advice? Is it great, does it need improvement? How?


Thank you very much!!! : )

 

[Christy]

I like it a lot! Two thoughts, when you say "Anne Frank and Zlata Filipovi? lived two different lives but told their story in a similar way" i don't think you need to specify that it was through their journals. I think people understand that as soon as they read the sentence, and any clarification is just redundant. Also, it's best not to start a paper with a sentence talking about yourself. It puts you in a bad light. maybe you should start off on a different foot, but then progress into what your first sentence is now. Good luck, hope you get an A+++!

 

[rebeccav]

I like your intro! One thing though Insted of saying 'getting upset and me or talking back at me.' say 'getting upset with me or talking back to me.' It helps the reader to respond better, i have an account on writerscafe.org and EVERYONE comments on your mistakes rather than your writing. It is irritating... Good write though!

 

[paige]

Love it! I think one more sentence. . .answer what your journal grew into! Peace w/in yourself? Answers to your own anxiety? Alone-time? A time you found your "real you"? etc.?? Just wondering what your journal brought to you, personally.
Hope that helps! I am actually not a great writer, but a person of many words that only wishes I could say all that you have said in as few words as you have! So, take my suggestions as grain of salt!!