Should "First Mothers" (abandoners) not whine about being coerced when meeting the

[Jazz]

Should "First Mothers" (abandoners) not whine about being coerced when meeting the

children they abandoned? Don't you think adoptees have enough of our own crap to work through? (I'm an adoptee, BTW)..

Doesn't it seem like it's all about the "Mother" when adoptees were really the ones who were abandoned?
Aislin, I beg to differ. You see, I don't OWE my abandoner anything. I didn't ask to be given for adoption. She may have been "coerced". I'm not denying that it happens. But coercion is not the same as force and the adoptee is the ONLY one who has NO CHOICE in the matter. It would just be nice to see some "first mothers" taking responsibility for a change. A simple "I'm sorry" would suffice. Spare me the back story for now, thanks.

I'm not "angry", I'm just being a realist. I don't owe anything to the person who gave me up. Any more than I owe anything to my adopters for raising me.

 

[naenae0011]

Adoption isn't always a case of abandonment. In many cases, the Mother knows she cannot give that child what it takes to lead a healthy and productive life.

I'm sorry if you've had a crappy experience with your birth Mother.

 

[cruzgirlz3]

Not a first mother, but I would imagine you go through life wondering what your child knows, and what she believes about you. I think it is completely normal that they would want their child to know the "truth" in her own version. I don't see it as whining. I see it as explaining the truth from the perspective that matters the most to an adoptee.

 

[AdoreHim]

I am adopted and also have 2 adopted children. I would not call my birth mom or the birth moms of my 2 children, abandoners. Women who abandon their children to me are the ones that abort them. With adoption, they have to carry us for 9 months, bond with us somewhat, and then decide to place their babies in the arms of total strangers, because they feel that for whatever reason it would be best.
Let us look at this in a little different light shall we? Babies don't have a choice when they stay in their biological family either, and I can tell you I know several people that would have wished to have been placed for adoption. So every child can have issues, whether they are adopted or not.

 

[DevonChaos]

I think that there are many legitimate cases of coercion. I would hate to think that anyone would lie/use it as an excuse. It happens enough, and it is shocking. It is important for a first parent to be honest about what happened to cause the adoption, and if there was coercion, I think that needs to be addressed.

I don't think it makes it all about the first mother when this happens if it is honestly what happened. I think that it would be a pretty crappy way for a first parent to blow off the reasoning behind the adoption if it weren't true.

I'm adopted, and I'm not in reunion, but I'd be interested to know why I was given up. I'm sure that there is some amount of "coercion" in the majority of adoptions. The whole thing with "open" adoption and pre birth matching just reeks of coercion. I also suppose some people are far more susceptible to it than others are. Then there are those who actually want to give up a child. I guess what I'm thinking is that it is a case by case thing, since coercion is alive and well in all areas of adoption.

 

[LinnyG]

If it is part of their story, then they should tell us. There are millions of first Moms who surrendered due to coercion, and it still happens today.

Trauma happens to every part of the adoption triad. Our first Moms lost us (whether involuntary or voluntary) we lost our first families, cultures, heritage, identities and in cases of international adoptees, they lost their language and countries, and in MOST cases, our adoptive parents lost the ability to have their own children. It's part of adoption.

I needed to hear what my first Mom experienced, just as she needed to hear the not so perfect parts of my experience. A relationship is never just about one person's needs.

Coercion and fraud is what "MOST" adoptions are rooted in, as well as loss. We cannot let the past cripple us, but we can educate the public so that it happens less frequently today.

 

[Aislin]

I think both parties owe it to each other to be honest and compassionate. Both parties have a lot to work through. If a mother was forced or coerced she should tell her child the truth just like an adoptee should be honest about their life with her. It shouldn't be all about either. It should be about healing and love. I am guessing by the way you word your question that you have a major problem with natural mothers. It is sad to me that you feel the need to lash out and try to hurt people you don't even know. Not all natural mothers are the same just as all adoptees and adoptive parents are not the same. I hope one day you grow to see that

 

[LISAS]

You have a lot of anger happening here.
The decision to give a child to adoption is huge.

I don't think many decide it lightly...and hope you find some peace with this.

 

[Hallie]

OOOh suck it up witch. Every birth mothers reason for adoption is different. Who are you to judge.