merdok1981
New member
- Nov 29, 2008
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In 4 days I turn 27 years old, until the age of 4 I had nothing to complain about, a loving family and not a care in the world... thankfully I still have my loving family, my mum and dad are the best parents a guy could ask for and I'd hate to imagine the world I would live in if it were not for them, I am also reasonably healthy (I suffer from asthma and possible hypothyroidism but neither are that serious)- sadly that’s about it in terms of what I have to be thankful for. The rest is just Hell.
When I started school at the tender age of four, I made the fatal mistake of starting a conversation with the wrong person, I mentioned to a boy called Peter that my cat has fleas, which from that day on, earned me the nickname, 'fleabag', this had a knock-on effect which essentially meant that until the age of about 13 I didn’t have one single friend (save for the odd occasion where someone would hang out with me – until of course they were ‘warned off’).
In secondary school I made one or two friends, however the bullying and general unpopularity continued, I remember one incident when I girl I fancied asked me out and then when I gushingly said yes, she laughed in my face and announced it to everyone in the lunch hall, then everyone else found it hilarious when I got upset. The really sad thing is that she came up behind me and gave me a hug, which was the first and last time I’d get female attention like that until I was 16 (I was 13 at the time)
To this day I can’t understand why I was bullied, I’m a nice guy, reasonably good looking with a good sense of humour, (I’m quite overweight now, but I wasn’t then), thankfully the bullying ended when I started college as no one from school knew me (the REASON I chose that college) and I became well-liked, I went from being hated by everyone to being a guy who could easily make friends in the space of a year, suddenly – it seemed – life was picking up.
When I was 17 I met a girl called Sarah, I’d never been with a girl before and due to my status at school the prospect of dating petrified me - in case they were only toying with me. This of course made me paranoid and was made even worse by Sarah’s tendency to kiss other boys and in the first 6 months of our relationship she kept telling me it was only temporary, I frequently forgave her (she did it four times over the course of three years) and eventually she grew up enough to not do that anymore. I truly, deeply loved her (and I still do), in spite of our history, I couldn’t bear the thought of not having her in my life, still her betrayal of me did nothing to ease my confidence issues and I don’t think I ever truly managed to fully trust her again, to make matters worse I was about to start suffering from depression.
In 2001 at the tender age of 20 a dark cloud came over me, the bright and sharp mind that I once had which was hyper-motivated and had a passion for pretty much everything, faded into a listless lump of grey matter which cared about nothing except Buffy the Vampire Slayer and Firefly. I still feel the effects of it now, my motivation never returned and my memory took a massive hit, I still find it hard to feel positive emotions about anything – I fake it quite well though.
Sarah stuck with me for the duration of my depression (2 years) but my low mood and my bitterness over her past indiscretions (Plus paranoia that she may have done more than I was aware of) caused me to project my mood onto her and systematically destroy her self-esteem, I became a bitter cynic who pretty much hated life and she became an inward, angry girl who hated people, we withdrew from everyone around us and lived in our own little bubble, shunning the outside world and instead living in the murky gloom of our living room, watching an endless tirade of DVD’s and downloaded American TV shows, only occasionally stepping into the dread outdoors to buy junk food or go to work/university, I find it almost amusing that ironically when i look back upon my life, that was the happiest I have ever felt, if I could go back to that time now, I would without hesitation, it was almost as if my rejection of society and my –no doubt harmful – ties to Sarah freed me from the world in a way I’ve never found since. Incredibly we both stayed in this destructive pattern until 6 months ago when I finally found the courage and reasoning to let her go (with a little emotional support from a good friend). However we still see each other on a regular basis (despite the 64 mile distance between us) and this is preventing either of us from moving on.
The real ‘fun’ in my life comes from my career path, in spite of a university education and skills in MANY facets of multimedia development I cannot seem to raise myself above the poverty line and every time life seems to have cut me a break it just turns out that it’s the same cruel trick that girl pulled on me in school. The ‘Good’ life that I think I’m getting collapses beneath me (usually through no
To those who mentioned that my story was interesting... oddly enough i'm quite flattered. I may write a book
of my own) and I’m in a worse situation than I started in.
A GREAT example of this happened in the past few months, I recently moved away from my Dead-end home town to a cosmopolitan city famous for its design culture, I quickly got a job and although it was a low starting wage my boss told me that it was only for 3 months and then I’d get a considerable pay-rise! “Brilliant!” I thought, as I figured that THIS was finally the break I’d hoped for, I was in a town which paid well and joined a company owned by a millionaire, I figured that I’d finally landed on my feet. I got myself a nice apartment, which came filled with nice furniture, convinced myself that my home town and my relationship with Sarah must have just been holding me back and I waited for the money to roll in.
And I waited, and waited, and waited.... As it turned out, the cost of moving to my new town plus the expensive rent on my first ever nice place was JUST enough to ensure that I never had any money of my own, then I
received a big bill which put my finances into a vicious cycle which meant that when payday loomed I couldn’t afford train fare or food and constantly had to borrow off my new friends (very embarrassing indeed), last week my boss sat me down and said, we’re very happy with your work... your probation is over, my heart skipped a beat as I figured that my pay rise would finally help me overcome my problems and allow me to actually ‘live’ instead of just getting by (if that). I was so excited at the prospect of being able to see my new town and spend time with my friends without having to suffer the indignity of them saying “it’s ok, I’ll pay for you if you like.”
The meeting drew to a close with no mention of my pay increase, so I asked if I could expect to receive it this month, “the pay rise is not automatic” was the response I received, I asked what I needed to do to get it and he said “you’ll get it sooner or later”. As you can imagine, I was a little disheartened.
Two days ago, I found out why I wasn’t getting the pay rise, the company was in trouble and as one of the last people in, I was first for the chop when they decided to make redundancies, myself along with 14 others lost their jobs and now it seems that they are trying to get out of paying us our last month’s wages. Being made redundant was unfortunate but I did not enjoy that job and was quite confident that with the motivation of unemployment I could push myself beyond my usual levels of apathy to find a better job, but without my last month’s pay, I could not pay my rent and would be forced to return home.
So once again, I think that I’m finally out of the cess pit that is my existence, I think FINALLY I’m going to do well and instead I have to go back to my parents with my tail between my legs and ask for my bedroom back (for the 6th time running) but also if they will pay the expenses of me moving home. (Which I know they will and I KNOW they can’t afford.)
What’s more, in spite of my good qualities, I don’t appear to be able to attract women, ever, except Sarah (and one whilst I was with Sarah – whom I didn’t pursue as I am a decent guy), it can’t even be said that I’m a sap as I’m really not, I have the cocky and funny thing working for me. People love me but no-one seems to be IN love with me. I always meet girls and think “yeah, this seems to be going well” but they are never interested in me THAT way. I feel so lonely all the time.
I don’t want to die, but living isn’t much fun either. Sometimes I wish I could just disappear to Corfu or somewhere quiet and sunny and spend the rest of my life lying in the warm sea, never having to talk to anyone or deal with anything ever again.
Why do things never go right for some people? I have a (former) friend who is a lazy, obnoxious, cheating (and frankly NASTY) bastard and he has a stunning girlfriend who dotes on him (who he cheats on) and a brilliant job (in spite of the fact he’s not very good) which pays him a small fortune, the ONLY thing in his entire life that has ever gone wrong (I’ve known him since we were 3) is that he lost most of his hair in his mid twenties. How is THAT fair.
There are so many more things I can say, I even feel guilty for feeling this way as I know that there are people with lives FAR worse than mine, but I can’t help it... I believe that if you took the last 23 years of my life and added up the times where I was actually HAPPY, it would equate to less than 6 months.
The pain is so great that I can’t even cry much anymore... I just sit and stare, I feel a massive amount of tension inside and I have no way to express it and no one who can really understand, Sarah never really had any sympathy, my parents – as loving and caring as they are – always want to cheer me up when I want to just vent, my friends are too new to be able to unleash the REAL me upon them and my old friends would mock me (except for one, who has problems of his own to deal with).
I worry sometimes that I am on the edge of sanity, I feel like I am teetering on the edge of oblivion and that sooner or later something deep in the recesses of my mind is going to ‘snap’, I’m not suicidal (in spite of what my mum seems to think) but I’m not sure if my mind can cope with this for much longer, I am very scared that I might go crazy.
Let’s hope that I’m one of those fun nutcases who give teenagers someone to point and laugh at and not one of those horrible crazy people who leave headless corpses in rubbish bins.
See... I can still be funny.
====================================
Sorry for all these extra details, I hadnt realised i'd cut half of the story off and had to add it in the 'add details' bit.
You see in spite of all this, I never once turned to alcohol, tobacco or drugs. Food was my vice and sleep my confort blanket. However the old adagé of 'everything in moderation' doesnt come into account when you are depression and I tend to over-indulge on anything that raises my spirits. Hence the weight, dont get me wrong, i'm hardly a blimp but I am a fat guy.
When I started school at the tender age of four, I made the fatal mistake of starting a conversation with the wrong person, I mentioned to a boy called Peter that my cat has fleas, which from that day on, earned me the nickname, 'fleabag', this had a knock-on effect which essentially meant that until the age of about 13 I didn’t have one single friend (save for the odd occasion where someone would hang out with me – until of course they were ‘warned off’).
In secondary school I made one or two friends, however the bullying and general unpopularity continued, I remember one incident when I girl I fancied asked me out and then when I gushingly said yes, she laughed in my face and announced it to everyone in the lunch hall, then everyone else found it hilarious when I got upset. The really sad thing is that she came up behind me and gave me a hug, which was the first and last time I’d get female attention like that until I was 16 (I was 13 at the time)
To this day I can’t understand why I was bullied, I’m a nice guy, reasonably good looking with a good sense of humour, (I’m quite overweight now, but I wasn’t then), thankfully the bullying ended when I started college as no one from school knew me (the REASON I chose that college) and I became well-liked, I went from being hated by everyone to being a guy who could easily make friends in the space of a year, suddenly – it seemed – life was picking up.
When I was 17 I met a girl called Sarah, I’d never been with a girl before and due to my status at school the prospect of dating petrified me - in case they were only toying with me. This of course made me paranoid and was made even worse by Sarah’s tendency to kiss other boys and in the first 6 months of our relationship she kept telling me it was only temporary, I frequently forgave her (she did it four times over the course of three years) and eventually she grew up enough to not do that anymore. I truly, deeply loved her (and I still do), in spite of our history, I couldn’t bear the thought of not having her in my life, still her betrayal of me did nothing to ease my confidence issues and I don’t think I ever truly managed to fully trust her again, to make matters worse I was about to start suffering from depression.
In 2001 at the tender age of 20 a dark cloud came over me, the bright and sharp mind that I once had which was hyper-motivated and had a passion for pretty much everything, faded into a listless lump of grey matter which cared about nothing except Buffy the Vampire Slayer and Firefly. I still feel the effects of it now, my motivation never returned and my memory took a massive hit, I still find it hard to feel positive emotions about anything – I fake it quite well though.
Sarah stuck with me for the duration of my depression (2 years) but my low mood and my bitterness over her past indiscretions (Plus paranoia that she may have done more than I was aware of) caused me to project my mood onto her and systematically destroy her self-esteem, I became a bitter cynic who pretty much hated life and she became an inward, angry girl who hated people, we withdrew from everyone around us and lived in our own little bubble, shunning the outside world and instead living in the murky gloom of our living room, watching an endless tirade of DVD’s and downloaded American TV shows, only occasionally stepping into the dread outdoors to buy junk food or go to work/university, I find it almost amusing that ironically when i look back upon my life, that was the happiest I have ever felt, if I could go back to that time now, I would without hesitation, it was almost as if my rejection of society and my –no doubt harmful – ties to Sarah freed me from the world in a way I’ve never found since. Incredibly we both stayed in this destructive pattern until 6 months ago when I finally found the courage and reasoning to let her go (with a little emotional support from a good friend). However we still see each other on a regular basis (despite the 64 mile distance between us) and this is preventing either of us from moving on.
The real ‘fun’ in my life comes from my career path, in spite of a university education and skills in MANY facets of multimedia development I cannot seem to raise myself above the poverty line and every time life seems to have cut me a break it just turns out that it’s the same cruel trick that girl pulled on me in school. The ‘Good’ life that I think I’m getting collapses beneath me (usually through no
To those who mentioned that my story was interesting... oddly enough i'm quite flattered. I may write a book
of my own) and I’m in a worse situation than I started in.
A GREAT example of this happened in the past few months, I recently moved away from my Dead-end home town to a cosmopolitan city famous for its design culture, I quickly got a job and although it was a low starting wage my boss told me that it was only for 3 months and then I’d get a considerable pay-rise! “Brilliant!” I thought, as I figured that THIS was finally the break I’d hoped for, I was in a town which paid well and joined a company owned by a millionaire, I figured that I’d finally landed on my feet. I got myself a nice apartment, which came filled with nice furniture, convinced myself that my home town and my relationship with Sarah must have just been holding me back and I waited for the money to roll in.
And I waited, and waited, and waited.... As it turned out, the cost of moving to my new town plus the expensive rent on my first ever nice place was JUST enough to ensure that I never had any money of my own, then I
received a big bill which put my finances into a vicious cycle which meant that when payday loomed I couldn’t afford train fare or food and constantly had to borrow off my new friends (very embarrassing indeed), last week my boss sat me down and said, we’re very happy with your work... your probation is over, my heart skipped a beat as I figured that my pay rise would finally help me overcome my problems and allow me to actually ‘live’ instead of just getting by (if that). I was so excited at the prospect of being able to see my new town and spend time with my friends without having to suffer the indignity of them saying “it’s ok, I’ll pay for you if you like.”
The meeting drew to a close with no mention of my pay increase, so I asked if I could expect to receive it this month, “the pay rise is not automatic” was the response I received, I asked what I needed to do to get it and he said “you’ll get it sooner or later”. As you can imagine, I was a little disheartened.
Two days ago, I found out why I wasn’t getting the pay rise, the company was in trouble and as one of the last people in, I was first for the chop when they decided to make redundancies, myself along with 14 others lost their jobs and now it seems that they are trying to get out of paying us our last month’s wages. Being made redundant was unfortunate but I did not enjoy that job and was quite confident that with the motivation of unemployment I could push myself beyond my usual levels of apathy to find a better job, but without my last month’s pay, I could not pay my rent and would be forced to return home.
So once again, I think that I’m finally out of the cess pit that is my existence, I think FINALLY I’m going to do well and instead I have to go back to my parents with my tail between my legs and ask for my bedroom back (for the 6th time running) but also if they will pay the expenses of me moving home. (Which I know they will and I KNOW they can’t afford.)
What’s more, in spite of my good qualities, I don’t appear to be able to attract women, ever, except Sarah (and one whilst I was with Sarah – whom I didn’t pursue as I am a decent guy), it can’t even be said that I’m a sap as I’m really not, I have the cocky and funny thing working for me. People love me but no-one seems to be IN love with me. I always meet girls and think “yeah, this seems to be going well” but they are never interested in me THAT way. I feel so lonely all the time.
I don’t want to die, but living isn’t much fun either. Sometimes I wish I could just disappear to Corfu or somewhere quiet and sunny and spend the rest of my life lying in the warm sea, never having to talk to anyone or deal with anything ever again.
Why do things never go right for some people? I have a (former) friend who is a lazy, obnoxious, cheating (and frankly NASTY) bastard and he has a stunning girlfriend who dotes on him (who he cheats on) and a brilliant job (in spite of the fact he’s not very good) which pays him a small fortune, the ONLY thing in his entire life that has ever gone wrong (I’ve known him since we were 3) is that he lost most of his hair in his mid twenties. How is THAT fair.
There are so many more things I can say, I even feel guilty for feeling this way as I know that there are people with lives FAR worse than mine, but I can’t help it... I believe that if you took the last 23 years of my life and added up the times where I was actually HAPPY, it would equate to less than 6 months.
The pain is so great that I can’t even cry much anymore... I just sit and stare, I feel a massive amount of tension inside and I have no way to express it and no one who can really understand, Sarah never really had any sympathy, my parents – as loving and caring as they are – always want to cheer me up when I want to just vent, my friends are too new to be able to unleash the REAL me upon them and my old friends would mock me (except for one, who has problems of his own to deal with).
I worry sometimes that I am on the edge of sanity, I feel like I am teetering on the edge of oblivion and that sooner or later something deep in the recesses of my mind is going to ‘snap’, I’m not suicidal (in spite of what my mum seems to think) but I’m not sure if my mind can cope with this for much longer, I am very scared that I might go crazy.
Let’s hope that I’m one of those fun nutcases who give teenagers someone to point and laugh at and not one of those horrible crazy people who leave headless corpses in rubbish bins.
See... I can still be funny.
====================================
Sorry for all these extra details, I hadnt realised i'd cut half of the story off and had to add it in the 'add details' bit.
You see in spite of all this, I never once turned to alcohol, tobacco or drugs. Food was my vice and sleep my confort blanket. However the old adagé of 'everything in moderation' doesnt come into account when you are depression and I tend to over-indulge on anything that raises my spirits. Hence the weight, dont get me wrong, i'm hardly a blimp but I am a fat guy.