other negative adjectives? So my life has essentially been a progressively worse hell for the past 6 or so years. It started when I was in high school and started experiencing startling symptoms that I'd never experienced before. I read some stuff on the Internet, and knowing very little about biology back then, I just automatically concluded that I had some sort of cancer. I didn't want to hear that I had cancer, so I mostly kept to myself and didn't tell my parents the extent of my symptoms. I just told them I got dizzy and food didn't taste the same to me as it once did. My dad scheduled doctor's appointments for me a few times, but I always started crying and begged him to cancel them at the last minute because I was just so terrified of hearing that I had cancer. I started refusing to go to doctor's appointments of any kind because I thought medical professionals of any type would take one look at me and just somehow know "Omg this girl has cancer." Like, I have crooked teeth that have not yet been straightened because I thought even dentists could diagnose me. Then, when my mom died of pre-leukemia when I was 18, my dad pretty much concluded that I was just a hypochondriac who psyched myself into thinking I was dying like my mom and hasn't really taken me seriously whenever I say I don't feel good ever since.
Over the past several years, I've done all kinds of research searching the Internet for natural cures to whatever illness I've decided I had that week, spent probably hundreds on supplements, and nothing works. I just get worse. Knowing what I do now about biology, it's pretty clear that my symptoms point straight to a brain tumor--dizziness, feeling off balance, memory issues, trouble concentrating, pain concentrated all on one side of my head, circulation issues, chest tightness and pain, etc. which makes me that much more afraid of going to a doctor because I figure, if I have a brain tumor, I've had it for years upon years, so there's likely not anything that can be done now. I've tried going, but it's like there's this invisible force that always stops me everytime I try. I just can't do it. I wish I were still a minor so that my parents could just force me to get checked out, but I'm not. I wish my parents would've done that when all of this started.
I just don't know what to do. I despise everything about my life. I went from this energetic kid who loved going to concerts, riding roller coasters 10 times in a row, riding her bike for miles, socializing, etc. to this girl who pretty much spends her days in her bed crying because she's afraid to do any of the stuff she wants to do. I've never had a boyfriend because I figure 1) It's not fair to date someone if I may be dying and 2) I'm no fun to be around anyway because I'm afraid to do just about everything and always have these random panic attacks (that's what I call them anyway) when I go in public. I'm afraid to go to amusement parks which I used to love because I'm afraid I'll have a heart attack or a seizure on one of the rides or something. I'm afraid of going to concerts or doing anything really exhilarating because I'm afraid, with whatever's wrong physically with me, my body won't be able to take the excitement and I'll die. My family invited me to go on a dolphin tour today, and I turned them down even though I really wanted to go because it was 90+ degrees out, and I was afraid my heart couldn't take it and I'd have a heart attack. I used to want to be a writer and pride myself on my writing skills...now I can hardly write anything because I have such difficulty thinking straight. I'm also pretty sure that my hair has begun falling out as of recently. I can't tell for sure as I've always had really thick hair, but everytime I run my fingers through it,3 or 4 strands fall out, and my ponytail feels a lot thinner to me. Just everything in life that I used to enjoy has been stripped away from me, and it's all my fault. I hate everything, and I don't know what to do. I just wish there was some magical pill I could take to get my life back.
Anyway, that was a novel. Sorry. I don't want any sympathy and don't even expect anyone to respond. I just needed to vent. Thanks for letting me do so.
What don't people get about the fact that all of these issues started BEFORE my mom was sick? I'm sorry, but it's really annoying to constantly be told "Well, if your mom died, then you must just have anxiety as a result of that." People whose moms have died can have physical problems too, not just psychological ones.
Over the past several years, I've done all kinds of research searching the Internet for natural cures to whatever illness I've decided I had that week, spent probably hundreds on supplements, and nothing works. I just get worse. Knowing what I do now about biology, it's pretty clear that my symptoms point straight to a brain tumor--dizziness, feeling off balance, memory issues, trouble concentrating, pain concentrated all on one side of my head, circulation issues, chest tightness and pain, etc. which makes me that much more afraid of going to a doctor because I figure, if I have a brain tumor, I've had it for years upon years, so there's likely not anything that can be done now. I've tried going, but it's like there's this invisible force that always stops me everytime I try. I just can't do it. I wish I were still a minor so that my parents could just force me to get checked out, but I'm not. I wish my parents would've done that when all of this started.
I just don't know what to do. I despise everything about my life. I went from this energetic kid who loved going to concerts, riding roller coasters 10 times in a row, riding her bike for miles, socializing, etc. to this girl who pretty much spends her days in her bed crying because she's afraid to do any of the stuff she wants to do. I've never had a boyfriend because I figure 1) It's not fair to date someone if I may be dying and 2) I'm no fun to be around anyway because I'm afraid to do just about everything and always have these random panic attacks (that's what I call them anyway) when I go in public. I'm afraid to go to amusement parks which I used to love because I'm afraid I'll have a heart attack or a seizure on one of the rides or something. I'm afraid of going to concerts or doing anything really exhilarating because I'm afraid, with whatever's wrong physically with me, my body won't be able to take the excitement and I'll die. My family invited me to go on a dolphin tour today, and I turned them down even though I really wanted to go because it was 90+ degrees out, and I was afraid my heart couldn't take it and I'd have a heart attack. I used to want to be a writer and pride myself on my writing skills...now I can hardly write anything because I have such difficulty thinking straight. I'm also pretty sure that my hair has begun falling out as of recently. I can't tell for sure as I've always had really thick hair, but everytime I run my fingers through it,3 or 4 strands fall out, and my ponytail feels a lot thinner to me. Just everything in life that I used to enjoy has been stripped away from me, and it's all my fault. I hate everything, and I don't know what to do. I just wish there was some magical pill I could take to get my life back.
Anyway, that was a novel. Sorry. I don't want any sympathy and don't even expect anyone to respond. I just needed to vent. Thanks for letting me do so.
What don't people get about the fact that all of these issues started BEFORE my mom was sick? I'm sorry, but it's really annoying to constantly be told "Well, if your mom died, then you must just have anxiety as a result of that." People whose moms have died can have physical problems too, not just psychological ones.
you'll go back to your old self in no time, don't be scared