- Admin
- #1
The following is a typical day in the life of Alan Pardew.
6:00 am — You get out of bed after sleepless night staring at the phone. When it finally rings, you pick it up and preemptively ask, "Am I sacked?" The voice at the other end asks if Dave is there. You inform the person that they have the wrong number and assume this to be a cosmic sign that David Moyes will be your successor. You call the person back just to shout "David Moyes couldn't carry my stylish fashion glasses!" You then headbutt the phone before realizing that it accomplished absolutely nothing and hanging up.
7:10 am — You ask the barista at Starbucks why your coffee cup has "Pardew out" written on it. They say they write that on all take away cups now but you don't believe them. You're certain you hear them snicker as you leave, but you just take a sip of your possibly spit tainted coffee and then defiantly throw the cup away in the non-recycle hole.
9:00 am — The players arrive for training and all of them say, "You're still here?" You try to laugh it off, but you laugh far too loud and it makes things even weirder.
10:32 am — You realize none of the players are listening to a word you say, so you stop the session and deliver an impassioned plea for togetherness and a fighting spirit. At the end of it, Remy Cabella, who doesn't even speak English, says, "Wait, you're still here?" You commend him on his proper use of a contraction.
11:48 am — You call Mike Ashley just to see how he's doing. When his secretary says he's not available, you ask if he's off meeting with David Moyes. The secretary says no and you headbutt the phone again. When the secretary asks what that muffled noise was, you hang up.
12:21 pm — In an attempt to lighten the mood and show everyone what a good guy you are, you decide to order in pizza for all the players and staff to have for lunch. When the pizzas arrive, you see that each box has "Pardew out" written inside it and immediately toss them out. When everyone asks why you did that, you tell them they were "rabies pizzas" and then you eat lunch alone in your office.
1:55 pm —You decide to check out this SackPardew.com site. You are quite impressed with the drawing of your smiling face at the top of the page and wonder if they'll let you use it on personal merchandising once this campaign against you is all over.
3:04 pm — You touch your 2011/12 manager of the year awards just to make sure they're still real.
4:16 pm — You call Mike Ashley again and this time you reach him. He reassures you that the job is still yours and everything will be fine, but you don't believe him. You suggest that the two of you go out for a karaoke night together, but he declines. You know this means the end is near.
6:28 pm — You arrive home and your family asks how your day was, their eyes all revealing assumptions of the worst. You tell them it was brilliant and you really think the players have turned a corner. They all hug you and offer words of encouragement. You suggest a family karaoke night, but they all decline. You briefly consider starting a new family that will be supportive and do karaoke nights with you.
10:45 pm — You call up David Moyes and shout, "You couldn't replace Sir Alex Ferguson and you can't replace Alan Pardew! You could never pull off stylish fashion glasses like I can! Never!" then quickly hang up.*
11:00 pm — You lay down for another eight hours of staring at the phone. You whisper to yourself: "I am a strong Alan and I will not go down without a fight." You then decide to make your own coffee in the morning and to spit in it yourself instead of going back to those punks at Starbucks.*
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