(10 points) disillusioned with the rules of dating! (a rant to take part in!)?

[SaraGigli]

I feel a bit confused by what I see going on around me...

I have girl-friends who think they're in a loving relationship until the guy loses interest quickly and leaves abruptly. People who have sex together and feel awful because nobody is allowed to ask / establish what's really going on (are we friends with benefits or are we a couple?).
Am I the only one who is fed up with such lack of straightforwardness / sincerity between girls and boys?!

In my opinion, from a girl's perspective, there are two routes.
If you're interested in a relationship that's not purely physical then you take your time to get to know a guy first (spend time together, go to places, do activities in order to deepen your acquaintance) and then (AFTER you've developed an emotional attachment to the other person) you start to have sex. So you have created a bond that INCLUDES sex but is not BASED on sex.

OR... a girl meets a guy, instant attraction between them, and it leads straight to the bedroom. You then take it from there - you have no expectations - something deeper MIGHT develop, but not necessarily. It's an unstable / unclear situation and that's because the bond you have - what keeps you together - relies on physical attraction / sex. However, if you find yourself in this position then you're happy with it and can't complain or cry if it turns out to be a big fling and nothing more. Otherwise you would have acted differently. As in: you wouldn't have acted on impulse and would have bothered actually getting to know the other person before doing anything sexual.

Everything else just seems like a load of crap to me.
For example, girls who "force" themselves to wait 3 or 4 dates before they have sex with the guy they immediately liked because they don't want to be perceived as easy girls who rush into things. (Why?! After 3 or 4 dates you don't know the guy, you only got a glimpse of his character, and the bond is still based on sexual attraction!). Plus, you're not a slut if you sleep with a guy on the first date (you liked him and you slept with him, there's nothing wrong, it seems like a perfectly coherent and linear behaviour!). Thing is: don't come crying to me if it doesn't lead to a deeper / more stable relationship. If you want a relationship then you create it little by little, you nurture it, and you HAVE TO LAY THE FOUNDATIONS FOR IT. You can't assume that a relationship is going to happen or come your way if you haven't done anything concrete in order to create it.

How do you feel about this?

 

[ConfuzedGirl]

Totally agree, I was always rushing into things when I was a teen. Always out to prove myself, that I was attractive, and was older than I was. I always ended up regretting it afterwards.

Totally agree hun, you definately need to work out the other person to see if its going to be a lasting relationship because physical attraction is certainly not enough!

xxx

 

[emigals]

i think youve got it pretty figured out, and i totally agree with everything you said. i think you should wait until you really know there is a bond there, however long it takes. having sex right away may lead to the only way you guys connect or is the only you guys have to do since you dont know much about each other, so sex is the only way. really waiting is the best thing to do in my opinion

 

[JohnJeS]

Sounds like you have put your finger on the basic failure to communicate. The wait 3-4 dates will chase the players away which is good for avoiding STDs. And it is also good for improving the chance of something more after hopping into bed, good for keeping options open.

But, yeah, I like where you're coming from. too bad we would never meet.

 

[actor22]

You're exactly right about everything you say! You're even right about communication being the key. One side note to further clarify my perception of your stance on the subject: Language is the only means we have of communicating with each other. We all have to use the words and phrases in our lexicons to mean the same thing, or language fails us, and communication breaks down.
For example: the term "hang out" used to mean people spending time together because they enjoy each other's company. It was never anything that was planned, never arranged in advance, it just happened when someone called and said, "hey...wanna hang out?" And it meant come over now, or I'll come over to your place now. But when spending time together was arranged in advance, it was called "a date".
Now if people want to use these terms to mean something different, fine. Language evolves and morphs all the time ("gay" used to just mean "happy", back in the day when open discussion of sexual orientation was considered impolite -- now look at it's meaning). But we have to use them all the same way, or no one knows what we mean. That's when communication failure happens, and when relationships suffer.
That, of course, is in addition to all your other points.

 

[Waterdragon]

the problem as i see it is that you all think there are "rules" to love/relationships/dating ---- there are no rules ---- every relationship is different ----- even as a teen with no experience i knew enough to respect the wishes of the lady i was dating ---- she wanted to wait until marriage so we did ---- you dont need months and months of dates to say i want to be with you ---- if you dont know in the first 3 dates then you will never know ---- of course you wont know all about them ---- you will know enough to say i want more or thats enough ----- there is far too much emphasis on sex and from what ive seen here bad sex ---- no passion no respect no desire to please your partner (at least on the male side) ----- im sorry you dont create a relationship ---- it either happens or not ---- love at first sight/love is blind and all the cliches are because it happens all the time ---- we dont choose who we fall in love with it happens --- sometimes against our wishes ----- the interesting thing is you dont even mention love ---- there are many relationships but the one we are talking about is the relationship based on love for each other ----- maybe thats the problem you think you can create a romantic relationship without love ---- that love will grow ---- it does not grow it just appears without working on it ----- yes you then need to work on the relationship to rekindle the love but the first time no it just happens ---- i may not make a lot of sense but its what ive experienced ---- have fun