Having minor panic attack about future husband's ex moving back to town?

[RMF]

She's been living 400km away for the past year with her new man. They broke up and she moved back to town 2 weeks ago without mentioning it to my partner (even though they were in mediation to work out custody arrangements to do with her being so far away the day before she moved!). I'm 100% aware that the positives outweigh the negatives here as the children can now see their Dad much more. However, my minor panic has to do with how she behaved last time we were living so close. Always ringing me, rocking up at the doorstep unannounced and trying to control his life under the guise that it's "for the children". As soon as she had her new man it all stopped, which was a big relief to both of us. I know I need to be optimistic that things will be different this time but it's hard. We live in a country town of 800 people, so not much distance there! Just need tips folks on how to set boundaries without seeming like a mean person. I want to nip things in the bud before it gets out of control like last time. She likes to ring me because I'm a woman and understand her better apparently (more the point, I'm probably a pushover and she gets her way with me more than my partner!). I have told her many times that things should be between her and my partner not me but to no avail. How can you be firm with your partner's ex without being mean? or is that not possible?
Jeff, you have hit the nail on the head.... you have given the advice I'd give anyone else. In any other facet of my life I would not put up with it, but in the early days I was just trying to make things peaceful for my partner. Good advice.

And as for insecurity for the person above, not at all the case. This all came about as I thought I was doing the right thing for my partner and his children. Time to change the action plan as being nice obviously did not work in this case.

enjoy.... I have nothing to prove.

[leo]

with some people it's not possible. you may have to be mean to get the point across but she will get over it. just don't answer the phone. if you do answer by mistake make an excuse and hang up quickly. you don't have to talk to her.

[Jeff]

If you are in fact a pushover with her, stop it. That's the exact reason she's doing it. If she calls and starts up about something stupid, cut her off and tell her it's not your place to get involved or whatever the situation calls for. If she doesn't drop it say I told you........ and hang up. If she comes over just shut the door. Eventually you'll get your point across and she'll ease up. Don't feel bad about it and under no circumstance let her guilt you into anything, if she gets away with it once she'll know she can do it.

This is your chance to set the precedence for how your relationship with her will go, show her you've changed in the last year. You have to do it right away so she gets the picture immediately. If you do she will be less likely to come to you when she shouldn't. Good luck and be strong about it. I promise you it will be satisfying on a certain level.

Also make sure you don't involve your man, and that he understands the reason for how your acting towards her. If he's not going to set her straight then you have to.