Is Divorce the answer?

T

tttpicklesttt

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Jan 24, 2008
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I'm 28-yrs old & married. I am SO torn over whether I made the right decision. Ironically, I started having these doubts before my wedding, but disregarded them as cold feet, ignoring my instincts. Here I am 3 years later still losing sleep over what to do with my life. The problem is, I do love my husband. He has many great qualities: reliable, loyal & one of the most intelligent people I know- I turn to him for everything. However, that intelligence comes at a price. He's always getting mad & barking at the smallest things. He's easily irritable cuz others R so 'incompetent.' He often uses an aggressive tone of voice, not realizing it, & it makes me so aggitated. I can't even enjoy the many vacations he books for my happiness cuz he's always rushing to nowhere insted of enjoying the moment & he hates dancing- my fave thing to do, I rely & depend on him so much (to a fault), but I question how happy I can ever truly be with such traits. But R they worth uprooting my entire life for?I have told him many times how I feel. Even threatened to leave on more than one occasion. He improves temporarily, then goes back to his old ways. We have good moments too, which is what makes figuring this out more difficult.I also ask myself how effective talking or counseling can be. At the end of the day, there will always be a fundamental joy lacking from his personality. Can you teach someone to have a 'joie de vivre.' And isn't that what will make the difference betwn a fun, enjoyable life & one lived flawlessly to protocol but dull & serious?
 
Have you ever tried telling him how you feel?I feel you can have separate interests and still be very much a couple. So what if he doesn't like dancing? Go without him! My husband loves to dance and I am horrible so he dances and I dont. Not a big deal.Maybe he needs to work on his attitude and how he treats other people, but I dont think you necessarily need to leave him over this.
 
many men out there act this way...get him a book on zen, make him understand it...i always say,if you marry a man knowing he is that way, you cant change him...
 
Really should have thought about this when the doubts first came up BEFORE the wedding, but now that you're in the marriage, seek counseling.PS--if he's as "intelligent" as he thinks he is, he'll realize counseling is another learning experience he can further benefit from.
 
YOU BOTH NEED TO COMPROMISE ON YOUR LIKES AND DISLIKES. EVERY MARRIAGE HAVE THERE BUMPS IN THE BEGINNING. DON'T GIVE UP ON HIM AND YOUR RELATIONSHIP. YOU PROBABLY THINKING I SHOULD OF... I COULD HAVE.....ETC,ETC. STOP THAT. WHO CARES OF WHAT YOU THOUGHT IN THE PAST. THINK OF NOW AND THE FUTURE.
 
He sounds pretty intense. You will need to get his full attention. I would mention that you have been considering a divorce and then go mute, go to sleep, or leave him alone at home to think about it. When he does later confront you if he seems concerned and interested you could then mention that you "might consider" counseling..... dangle the bait and let him bite it as the lesser of 2 evils (counseling or divorce). I'd say give a healthy try at counseling before going to an attorney. Later you won't be plagued with doubts as to whether you did enough.
 
It only gets worse from here. I don't think divorce is ever the answer but maybe you need to enlist the help of a professional and ask them how to deal with his mightier than thou attitudes. It's great that he is so smart but when he does it at other's expense he can't be very happy either. BEing lead dog can be a lonely place and if he isn't shown that that then both of you will suffer. If you don't have kids yet, WAIT, he'll start talking to the babies that way then it's carried thru generations and gets harder and harder to deal with. I feel for you b/c I can be snappy with my husband too. Not b/c I'm so smart but b/c we come from 2 very different backgrounds and sometimes I need to be reminded that I am not better than he is and I love him for a reason.
 
a communication gap may be there.however, some person does not care the feelings of others.
 
You aren't living your life but the life your husband has chosen for you. He sounds like he is trying to make you feel inferior to him. My daughter's first husband was like that. She thought it would change but it got worse. She divorced him after 7 years of marriage and met a great guy a year later. They are happily married and have a little boy. He moved on to a much younger girl he could impress and control with his intelligence. My daughter ran into him and says she is so glad to have left him. You can make it on your own. I left an abusive marriage of 18 years with 2 children 11 and 15. I could not wait for the door to close after he left. I cannot express the feeling of never having him tell me what to do again. I kept the house, raised the children and have a great life. I met a great guy not even a year later and have been happily married for the past 21 years. You can do it if that is what you want. Dont be afraid. I was more afraid to stay. You will do whatever you have to do to make it but believe me it will be worth it in the long run. Maybe your family will help when they realize what he is putting you through. I don't believe in divorce as the answer to everything but no one should have to take abuse. Mental abuse is sometimes worse then physical. Best of luck.
 
Your happiness is the most important thing. YOU will be with you forever, and those around you are not constant, whether it be death, moving, ending friendships etc.Some say divorce would be the answer because you're not happy. However, there are many things to try before coming to that conclusion. I don't know how many you've tried, if any, but I would suggest seeing a counselor by yourself first, and asking his/her opinion. Marriage counseling might be helpful. Or you can just try talking to your husband. (I'm assuming you have already though.) Try not to accuse though. :)If you find an objective individual to discuss this with, he/she will be able to give you good suggestions on how to approach your husband.It seems like he loves you and cares about your happiness. He might not even be aware of what he is doing. Perhaps giving him the benefit of the doubt for awhile would help.Good luck!
 
Try telling him how you feel. He might get mad but if ya'll love each other as much as you say, he should understand... Is there a reason That might cause him to get mad a lot? Has anything happened in the passed? Think.. And remember dont always follow what other people tell you. You need to follow your heart!
 
you should try to talk to him and tell him how you feel about all these things!maybe you cannot change him,but at least sweety...u won't feel guilty if your marriage will end up...you will know that it wasn't your fault! try to save your marriage!you should know that other men can be much more bad than your hubby.are u prepared then to start a new life with someone else,to re-start a new relationship!?? think twice sweety...before making a decision!
 
Arrogance, selfishness and a temper are not small problems. You will become resentful over time. To a large degree you also describe my life. Mine is faithful, responsible, reliable and handy. But everyone is stupid, most everything I do and our son does, is flawed. I am stressed and in ill-health. I have come to believe that he has some level of Narcissistic Personality Disorder. My ah-ha moment came when I read the empathy part of NPD. Mine has none and doesn't care about anything that doesn't directly affect him. He requires constant praise, but gives none. He wants people to wait on him but only provides to others what he feels they deserve. Yours may or may not be this bad, but I recommend counseling immediately for you both or just you. Find out early, before you have kids, if this is what you are facing. In any case, his barking at you is verbal/emotional abuse. Your reliance on him is typical. By making you feel flawed and that you are lucky to have him, he keeps you there to feed his ego.Are you walking on eggshells? Do you want to spend the rest of your life that way? It's worth looking into the possibility of NPD and definitely get some counseling for the verbal abuse.
 
Have you tried talking to him about how he is making you feel? My husband is a lot like yours. Mine is very intellegent and used to be in speech and debate so when we would discuss something he would always come off as condecending. I know that he doesnt mean to. I talked to him about it. I explained that he makes me feel stupid when we talk and he apologized and were working on it. Now whenever I feel like hes doing more lecturing than discussing, I stop him and kindly ask him to lighten his tone. If your hubby is a reasonable person, Im sure he wont mind working on this. Talk to him about the vacation thing. Tell him that you dont need to rush thru life all the time and slowing down and taking it easy can be just as enjoyable. But if things dont get better in a while, tell him youre considering divorce. If he tells you to screw off or something then at least you gave it a shot.
 
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