What do you think of what I've written so far ? (PLEASE ANSWER!)?

[pineaple1234]

Chapter 1- The Research
I walked into my Dr.'s office today for my appiontment with Dr. Claudian. He's been helping me with the death of my mother, even though I don't care one way or another. Because for some reason I just don't feel anything. Nothing, nothing at all.

Even when my father, Daniel told me my mother had just passed away from cancer. I don't know how or even why, but for some reason I feel like I don't belong in my own family. I feel as though I'm the black sheep of the family, I feel like a stranger walking around in my own world. And I really don't know how I said what was on my mind to Dr. Claudian. But I just do. Dr. Claudian replied and said to me "Has anything happened to you since your mothers death that you would like to talk about Melanie?" "No" I replied sternly. "But their is one thing, one thing that has been recurring to me quite often, and I feel weird telling you this but it just seems to be happening to me a lot lately and I really don't know why. And it's just been bugging me." "What is it?" Dr. Claudian said with a puzzeled look on her face, her eye brows came closer together, as she wondered what I was going to say next. "I keep having the same dream over, and over.

It's driving me crazy because I feel like I know who it is, but at the same time I just don't want to admit it to myself. It's quite a weird feeling to know that you know something, that could be weird to say to someone else." "It's alright Melanie". Said Dr. Claudian in a comforting tone. I took a deep breath and said." Well I keep having this dream, this dream is at a hospital and the woman looks like an older version of me. But she's pregnant, and their are other people their too, and it looks like my parents are their. And the woman's parents are asking her if she's deciding to keep the baby or not... and then it just ends. But then they show this picture of another woman that doesn't look anything like the main woman in the dream or the parents but it's me when, well it looks like I was two years old. And it's not anyone that I've ever known before... and I really don't know why but since I've been twelve I've been feeling like I was adopted. And this last month when we went to this family reunion I looked like absolutely no one. No one at all! Not even my own mother, not even my own dad. I don't look like anyone in my family. I got to go. I can't deal with this anymore!"

I walked out of the Dr. Claudian's office; more like stormed out of the office. I started to cry, Dr. Claudian ran after me. But it was too late. I was already in my black BMW car and driving back to my house in a hurry. Once I got home into my suburban neighborhood, I parked my car on the street right near my house in front of the driveway. I didn't have the courage yet to drive in the driveway. I started to look at my best friends house who's right across the street. My best friend who I've lived across from since we were kids... we're both eighteen, and nineteen years old now.

His name is Stephen. He's the type of friend where he's their to comfort you when you need comforting, and he'll be anywhere you are in a second if you need help with anything. He's tall, athletic, and has dark brown short hair, and dark brown eyes. Very bad boy type, all the girls are after him at school because he's the quarter back for our high school... but mainly the cheerleaders who give me hell every single day of the year. But I don't care, I still have my best friend. Anyways, Stephen saw me pull up, and he saw me crying, and he ran across the street wondering what was wrong. He opened the door, and he got in, and he put his arms around me which in fact always made me feel better whenever he did comfort me like that. I turned around and I just put my head on his shoulder, and he was rubbing my back calmly. He started to speak in comfort, I've always loved Stephan for that.

"Hey Mel what's wrong? I'm here if you need anything alright..." I nodded in a yes motion; I started to ask him something. "Do you think I could be adopted?" "Don't you think that's a little bit of an out of line question Mel?" Said Stephen, with a very puzzled look on his face he pulled away from the warm, embrace a little bit. "Do you think I could be adopted? I don't look like anyone I'm related to do I? And I keep having those dreams that I've told you about before, do you think it could be possible?"

"Well, possibly. But I really don't know. Is their anyway you can find out about this? What about asking your parents?"
"Yeah right, are you kidding me?! Like they would tell me a straight up answer! I've asked them before and they've just laughed the que
This is what the last sentence is supposed to be Yahoo Answers cut it off for some reason :

"Yeah right, are you kidding me?! Like they would tell me a straight up answer! I've asked them before and they've just laughed the question like I'm a complete idiot!"

SERIOUS ANSWERS ONLY PLEASE!!!!

 

[Lethal]

Pretty good, I would keep reading

 

[brian]

It is a very serious subject and the situation you describe is one that happens more often than you might think. There are one or two problems with this piece and the first is the word 'I'. You have used it too often and it does become monotonous e.g. "I was already in my car - I got home - I parked my car - I didn't have and I started to look" and these are all in the same paragraph. Try joining some of your sentences together or using a different word to start the sentence e.g. you could have written something like; "In the familiar surroundings of my neighbourhood I parked the car in the street because the courage to park in my own driveway had temporarily deserted me." That way you only use the word 'I' once instead of three or four times.
You also start sentences with the words 'And' 'But' and 'Because' and that is grammatically incorrect as they are conjunctions as they join one part of a sentence to the next. You also use the word 'their' when it should be 'there' and always start speech on a new line for each person speaking. The only exception to that is when there is a break in a speech e.g.
"Now you listen to me," John said. He stood up and leaned across the desk and added; "I will only tell you this once."
When introducing someone into the story don't just say "His name is Stephen" bring him into the story naturally. After you had parked the car you could say something like; "My best friend Stephen lived opposite and I looked towards his house hoping that he would appear etc" You also say that "we're both eighteen and nineteen now" and that does not make sense also never write the word 'and' after a comma as it is unnecessary and grammatically incorrect.
You have missed out an occasional word too e.g. in the last sentence you write; "they have just laughed the question" there should be an 'at' in there. Finally try not to use the same words too close to each other such as Dr Claudian and best friend.
Having said all that I do like the writing and you have succeeded in injecting a hint of mystery, sadness and just a little fear into the piece but make sure you edit it. Print it off and read it out loud or get someone to read it to you and you will hear the things that need changing. Don't try and read it from the screen because you will only read what you think you have written and not what you actually have - I know this from experience. Keep writing the story as you do have a readable style - all it needs is a little more polish. Good luck with your story.