I was raped and I need some help of some sort...read on?

[Christian]

It happened right after I was dumped by my first boyfriend, who we had sexual relations and i was perfectly fine with it. My step brother was dating a friend of mine and she dumped him because he was suffocating her and not letting her be herself. He and I would talk but I remember being so depressed I didn't care about myself that much anymore. I was on the phone with him one night. I was the only one masturbating and he found out only when I said I was horny. Mind you we had always been really open about this stuff...maybe that was his way of desensitizing me and stuff...I don't know. We usually talked about how we missed our exes and stuff. Some how this conversation was turned to before our parents were married and our feelings. I admitted that at the time before the marriage I liked him, but obviously I was still broken and loving my ex...he said the same thing. I was masturbating over the phone, I really don't know why I can't answer that but maybe that's why he thought it'd be fine to try to get with me. He was talking about his newer girlfriend and I am bi so I thought she was nice but...I don't know where I'm going with this...

Anyways a few weeks later after we moved my bunk bed out of my room he came in. I thought he just wanted to talk and at first he did...then it happened. It was all so slow and fast. I didn't know what was happening, it was weird. I knew he was pulling off my pj pants, I knew he was using his fingers then his penis to penetrate me, but I was frozen I don't remember what I was thinking exactly or anything. I know I didn't actually get out the words no or stop because I became literally paralyzed almost. he did what he wanted and left...I know that he didn't come inside me though because for some reason he left...I think i started to actually make noise but I also don't know...I remember bleeding and i wasn't on my period. He did this again three weeks later only on the living room couch. I didn't bleed but I was in pain. Then we were at my nieces house the night before new years eve. He did it again only this time I decided to try and hurt him...i scratched his neck and I know he was bleeding from that...he didn't get phased. He then put me on top...I knew what he wanted...I had completely given up. I even acted out like I liked it, though I never felt good at all. There was blood again. I was really scared. He never came at me again after that though because I got a boyfriend and I never showed I was hurting emotionally...until my mom tried saying my boyfriend had raped me. She said this because I had a reaction to something that was said about raped girls ask for it. I told her then, but only after I told my boyfriend.
We tried going to the police and it got to the DA then it was dropped because unfortunately there was no physical evidence.

Every once in a while i think about what happened and I start to wonder was it rape? I never said no, or stop. I did what he wanted even though I don't remember wanting it myself. I didn't care about myself and I was so depressed that I gave up...I don't know. I know that the phone conversation stirred it...but I don't know...I never wanted him sexually. I wanted my ex back. I thought he wanted his. I don't know what to think...please people don't be a**holes to me. I can't take it. My current boyfriend knows. He knows everything but the phone conversation, even my mom doesn't know all the details on that. I don't know who to go to with this. just please...any type of support you can give me. or any real websites that have counselors on them that reply to messages. Anything...i can't afford therapy. I'm just really guilty and scared because I believe enough in God that I know some lies are worse than others, sometimes I think I'm the liar, and he told my mom he truly thought I wanted it, but I never said yes. I didn't even take my own clothes off. but sometimes because of that one phone conversation I think that every part of this could be a lie...

I know I really went around in circles I'm sorry...I just need some answers, please be considerate.

 

[HowardW]

rainn.org is a site for rape victims

some women dont say no because they go it to a kind of protective shock, if you didn't want it then it was rape

 

[RomildaVane]

Whoa
Alright, this is a little tricky because you didn't actually say no or try to stop him or anything, but you didn't encourage him either, though i suppose later with the whole acting-like-you-like-it thing constitutes encouragement.

I think something like, did he know he hurt you and kept on doing it, and if it's yes then it's rape, but i'm not sure because I'm only 15 and I don't know any of this sort of stuff.
Whether legally it was rape or not, that doesn't change the fact that you feel violated and may need counselling. You forget that there are government agencies like Youth centres you can go to for help and support, and i think some of them have an anonymity thing because they just want to help people, not tell on them.

I can't give you a website or places or anything because I don't know where you live, i don't even know if it's Australia or America or whatever, but trust me visit your local council's website and it will be somewhere under Youth or something.

i hope you find what you need

 

[PearlyW]

You & him are too open about sex, talking about masturbating. . . . horny and phone and ex'es.

It's no wonder, he never got that out of his mind, so that made him horny just thinking about you or being with you in the same room.

Sorry, but if I were you, no matter how horny I am, I WOULD never discuss about my sexual pleasure to anyone, not even my closest friends. Maybe once, but not the same people I live with.

Raped, I think it is just fulfilling some fantasies come true. You could have said NO, or stop when you know he was going too far. Just don't let it happen again, if you're feeling guilty about it. Put a lock in your room, he can't just come in. Say no and mean it! I can't believe he even told your mom!

 

[SophieJade]

its a tricky situation.
you didn't want to, and that, in a way, makes it forced, but you never made that clear to him.
you needed to say, no i don't want to.
but i also think you may have been, maybe still are, suffering from depression, which can mar a person's judgement significantly.
you had no self preservation drive. you just didn't care, and i think that's what made you just give up without even trying.
the second time, when you fought, that may be classified as rape, as you tried to fight him off.
but again, you didn't say no.
however, i refuse to believe that he thought you honestly did want to. it must have been obvious from your body language the first couple of times that it wasn't what you wanted.
and feeling so down about yourself, you eventually gave him what he wanted. by pretending to like it.
that was a mistake, definitely.
but there was fault on both sides, here.
he can't have been stupid enough to believe you wanted to be with him.
i suggest that you do go to your doctor.
depending where you live (in australia they have them) there are free clinics for this sort of thing.
i imagine they'd be in most western countries too.
so i'd look into going to one of these places for help.

 

[Monstr]

dang thats to much to read lol O.O

 

[ctteau]

Oh my goodness I am so sorry this happened! I think you just went into shock and that's why you couldn't do anything about it-- I was imagining your story in my head and as if it had happened to me and I feel it would been too sureal to make sense and keep functioning normaly. He shouldn't've done that if you didn't show any signs that you wanted it--I would consider it rape. It makes me sick and I hope he feels like an ass for it.

You definitely should go to therapy though, and talk to others who have shared similar experiences. It WILL help; you just need to find the right therapist to open up to. I'm not necessarily completely encouraging this but eventually I think you will be strong enough to confront him and tear his balls off.

 

[SkyBlue1]

Of course you were raped! Oh, God, I feel so bad for you! You aren't a liar, you're a victim. There are a few organizations that help people that were raped, abused, molested, and I suggest you find one. Most are free. Look them up; there's one I have particularly in mind, though I can't remember the name...

Listen, you are a victim. And trust me, you need a lot of help. So look up an organization and see when you can go there. Seriously.

Good luck and bless your soul!

EDIT: rainn.org is the one I was thinking of! Thank-you, Howard! Raiin is a great site, and you should check it out. It'll give you the help you need.

 

[TheFineFlu]

Go to your doctor. Seriously. It doesn't sound like a solution, but they take training for things of this sort and know people all around the city that can provide assistance. And if you say that you can't afford the $15 dollars to go see one than you're clearly not motivated enough to do anything about it.