How do I talk to my mom about her health and teaching proper nutrition to my...

[Tara]

...siblings? I am in my mid-20's with 3 siblings that are all in grade school. My siblings and parents live about 5 hours away, so I don't see them very often. Here is the problem: my parents are both overweight and my mother is obese. Both sides of my family are heavy, but particularly my mother's side. Growing up I always was led to believe that the obesity was genetic and there was nothing any of us could do about it - so have another piece of cake to console yourself. When I hit puberty, my body couldn't handle the massive portions of fattening food and I became fairly chubby. A fear of becoming obese led to anorexia for several years.After therapy and a very long painful learning and growth process, I am at a very healthy weight. I enjoy food finally and love a cheeseburger and fries as much as the next person, but I exercise regularly, cook with low-fat ingredients and eat in moderation. I am very concerned about my mom, not only does she smoke, but eats for every occasion. If she is sad, she eats. If she is happy, she eats. If she is bored, tired, stressed, or excited, she eats - and shares with the kids. She just received her Master's degree - and to celebrate, bought every imaginable junk food imaginable and stocked the pantries with it - then ordered 3 large pizzas with the works and a gallon of ice cream. (She and the 3 kids at all of this but 4 slices of 1 pizza). When she or the kids walk at the mall or go to the park, they are treated to huge bowls of ice cream and treats "because we burned calories today, so it's ok". My 12 year old brother has already been on 4 diets and weighs more than I do. He doesn't like to leave the house because he is self-conscious about his weight. My sisters are 9 and 11 and are starting to put on weight - the 9 year old weighs almost as much as I do as well. My mom is an adult, she can make her own decisions and kill herself if she so chooses. However, she is killing my siblings as well, and setting them up for a lifetime of health problems, poor coping skills and self-esteem problems. I don't want my sisters to struggle with anorexia the way I did or to feel as though they are never good enough. My little sister called the other day in tears because she had a bad day at school. She ended the conversation saying she was going to eat some chips, because "chips make me feel better". I cried for an hour. I need some advice as to how to bring this up with my mom without making her feel attacked or a bad parent. She loves the kids and is a good parent in every other way, but I feel that I need to say something.

 

[Antst]

I really sympathize with you. It's great that you have been able to overcome your problems at such a young age. I'm sure you don't need me to tell you that most people who grew up with weight issues never get over them.

It must be very difficult to know that your siblings are going down the same road you did. Unfortunately, the reality is that there is not much you can do about this. First of all, your siblings have already developed bad eating habits and it sounds like they already have problems with their weight. Even if your mother woke up tomorrow and had magically developed healthy habits, it would be tough to change things for your siblings. It sounds like they would have to be re-educated about food and also diet. This would not be easy for them. Second, let's face it... Your mother WON'T wake up tomorrow or anytime soon and have changed her habits. It might be possible to persuade her to cut back a little, but I seriously doubt she will ever change her ways.

I'm sorry to sound so pessimistic. Don't get me wrong--I DO think there are things you can do. I'm just warning you that you should not expect to be able to SOLVE this problem. If you can't accept this, you will end up being very disappointed and maybe feeling you've failed your siblings. So my first piece of advice is, adjust your expectations. Accept that you probably won't be able to change your mother. Focus on your siblings, and don't think you can solve all their issues; aim simply to make things BETTER for them.

I think you are going to have to get over this feeling you have of being afraid to say something for fear of making your mother feel attacked or a bad parent. Newsflash: she IS a bad parent and it doesn't MATTER if she feels attacked. Someone should have made her feel attacked a long time ago, before you developed problems with food, because then maybe she would have felt motivated to become a better parent. What she is doing to your siblings and what she did to you is neglect. And certainly, if she has a masters degree, she has zero excuse for not knowing better.

I think that, unfortunately, you do have a duty to speak firmly with your mother, because you are an adult who is observing a situation where a caregiver (your mother) is not doing her job of taking care of children who have no one else to defend them. I would speak clearly and as politely as possible to her, and if she chooses to react by getting offended, that's up to her. I would try something like, "Mom, I feel very concerned about the kids. They are all overweight. I'm worried that they are being set up for a lifetime of problems with weight and food. Now, you know what happened to me and I think this is your opportunity to stop it happening to them".

If she doesn't respond, I think you need to tell her (and mean it) that you're thinking of calling Child Protective Services.

The other piece of advice I have is that family members often tend to listen to strangers before they listen to other family members. Get other people involved. Your mother will be less likely to blow you off if she thinks others are paying attention. Talk to someone at the kids' school and/or their doctor about getting them on a program like fat camp, where they'll have serious intervention and learn healthy habits. I don't think the kids or you will be able to turn things around for them alone. But be prepared to call the authorities if your mother won't cooperate. Good luck.

 

[ch]

Take them out as a treat to events that do not involve food. Encourage them to join activity groups in the hope they will begin to enjoy being active and make it part of their lifestyles. Try to change their thinking of a treat as food to clothes or books etc. Look online for information which may make them more aware of the harm they are doing. Be careful you don't lecture but express your concerns as someone who loves them. Good luck.

 

[Shizzle]

i'd print out the bulk of what you just wrote and leave it for her to read when you aren't around...that way, you'll be able to get your point across without sounding cold, and your mom won't be able to interrupt you.