Giancarlo Stanton is close to signing the largest contract in the history of MLB —*a $325 million mega deal that will potentially see him swatting homers at Marlins Park in Miami for the next 13 seasons.*
We say potentially because there's reportedly an opt-out in his contract. Be that as it may, Stanton is still going to be a very rich man. That's an average annual value of $25 million, or $675,000 per home run if he hits 37 every season like he did in 2014.*
Stanton, who turned 25 last week, could be a Marlin until he's 38. At that point, he could probably use some of his $325 million to robotically fix his knees or his back or whatever might be ailing him and become a home-run crushing cyborg for another 13 years. He'll have the money, might as well try.
Seriously, though, what could Stanton buy with $325 million? In short, just about anything he darn well pleases.*
You might recall a story about Milwaukee Brewers outfielder Carlos Gomez, who had signed a $28 million contract, admitting he Googled "rich people conversations" so he had ideas of things to talk about.*
That's silly, of course, but there's some truth in the idea that you can all of a sudden be very rich and not know what to do next.*Stanton stands to be very, very, very, very, very rich, so The Stew thought we might help him understand just what he can buy for $325 million.
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THE BEST SPORTS CAR AROUND
The most expensive new car on the market these days is the Lamborghini Veneno Roadster, which sells for a modest $7.4 million. For $325 million, he could get 43 of 'em. That seems excessive, though. Maybe he should just buy 30 and keep one at every big-league ballpark should the Marlins come to town. Yeah, that's better.
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ALL THE HOUSES
He could buy the top seven most-expensive athlete homes according to The Richest, including Tigers Woods' $70 million estate and the $40 million compound that Tom Brady recently sold to Dr. Dre. Those top seven homes total $316.6 million, so Stanton would have some room to negotiate if Joe Montana or Michael Jordan are playing hardball.*
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A PRO SPORTS TEAM, OF COURSE
Stanton could buy the NHL's Florida Panthers (valued at $240 million by Forbes) and still have a good bit of change left over to sign free agents.*
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MANY SOLID GOLD SHIRTS
What good is signing a $325 million contract if you can't walk around every day looking like a bar of actual gold? Stanton could follow in the path of Indian businessman Pankaj Parakh, who made himself a shirt of 18- to 22-karat gold. It cost $213,000 and weighed nine pounds —*so, good for running in during the offseason right?. Stanton could wear a new gold shirt every day for four years and 65 days. **
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HIS OWN PRIVATE ISLAND
If island life suits Giancarlo, he could easily buy his own. "Don't Call Me Mike Island," he could name it. Here's one named Sandy Cay, it's a private island in the Bahamas selling for $8 million. Heck, he could buy a new island every season at that rate.
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SOMETHING BETTER THAN A BOAT
Lots of rich people have boats, but how many people have personal submarines? One can be Stanton's for $2 million. That's chump change, actually. Thinking bigger, he could buy personal submarines for every player on the Marlins' 40-man roster and they can go into the Florida seas looking for actual Marlins. That's a good team-building exercise.
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THE FANCIEST WIPE MONEY CAN BUY

Stanton could outfit his toilet with the utmost extravagance —*22-karat gold toilet paper. One roll sells for $1.3 million. If he wanted to sink all his money into gold toilet paper (we hear it's a good investment), he could buy 250 rolls.*
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THE (MC)FLYEST THING AROUND
Let's be real here: The greatest thing any one person can own is a hoverboard. Attaining hoverboard status is the reason all of us are on this earth. They're coming out soon from Hendo Hoverboards, at $10,000 a pop. Stanton could buy 32,500 of them and give one to half the people in his hometown of Sherman Oaks, Calif., population 62,300.*
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A-ROD!
Stanton could easily purchase the contract of Alex Rodriguez from the New York Yankees (three years remaining for a total of $61 million) and make A-Rod his errand boy. He could even sign A-Rod to a 20-year extension at $10 million per year. Stanton is already going to push A-Rod another notch down the list of richest contracts in sports history, might as well make Alex pick up his dry cleaning too.
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Mike Oz is an editor for Big League Stew on Yahoo Sports. Have a tip? Email him at [email protected] or follow him on Twitter! Follow @MikeOz