Tell me a joke... make me laugh...please?

[Kauli]

I have been having a pretty bad day, I need some laughs.

[JoshuaM]

Sorry, but the only funny jokes I know are racist, sexist, and homophobic. I will get flagged for telling them in public.

Edit: If smart or corny will do in this situation I can give you that, but I can't promise you will laugh. Here it goes...

A teacher of ornithology gave a pop quiz to his students, he covered pictures of birds leaving just the legs sticking out and asked the students to identify the birds by just their legs.

One student got very irritated, threw his test on the teacher's desk and was leaving the classroom when the teacher stopped him and asked, "What is your name?"
The student lifted his pant legs and said "Guess!"

[Katte]

An old lady wanted to end her life, so she went to the doctor and asked him what would be the best way to end it, and the doctor said 'take a knife and stab it right into your heart' and the old lady said 'wheres your heart located' and the doctor said 'your heart is right above your left boob.' so later that day the ambulance got called to the old Lady's house, and the police officer asked the paramedic 'what happened?' and the paramedic replied 'she stabbed herself in the knee'

[Sonya[Sunshine]]

I have a funny quote:
"Your slower than a herd of turtles stampeding through peanut butter."

:]

[cherrylove]

There are two muffins in an oven. One muffin looks at the other and says,"Is it just me, or is it getting really hot in here?" The other muffin says, "Wow! A talking muffin!"

My friend tells me that whenever I'm feeling down and it always makes me laugh.

[Zippoman]

i have told this one before but here goes:
A pirate walks into a bar with a steering wheel down his pants. the bartender says to him " sir you have a steering wheel down your pants" the pirate replies "i know, its drivin me nuts"
PLZ get it so i know som1 does

[KalieeP]

Question: If a blonde and a brunette fell off a building, who would hit the ground first?
Answer: The brunette - the blonde would have to stop for directions!


Three blondes were walking through a field when they came across a set of tracks.


The first blonde looked down at the tracks and said,

"I think they could be bird tracks."

The second blonde went to look and said,

"No, I think these are deer tracks."

They stepped aside and the third blonde went over to the tracks. She looked down, then got run over by the train!



Two blondes were in a parking lot trying to unlock the door of their car with a coat hanger.
First Blonde:

"I can't seem to get this door unlocked!
Second Blonde:
Well you better hurry up. It's starting to rain and the top is down!


i love dumb blond joles by the way im a blonde myself

[JoeK]

Example Of A Development

Teacher: "Children, tomorrow I would like you to give me an example of a development that is currently being built near your home and what are the advantages of this new development.

At the end of the class, the teacher asks that all the little girls remain behind for 5 minutes.

Teacher: "Young ladies, I have received numerous complaints from your parents concerning Little Johnny's' crude remarks.

It is very likely that tomorrow he is going to say something dirty and that is why I am asking you all, to avoid any further problems that if he says anything that appears rude, I would like you all to get up and leave the classroom."

Everybody agreed to this plan.

Next day -

Teacher: "Is everybody ready with their assignment? Go ahead Anita."

Anita: "Near my home, a supermarket is being built. Now my mommy doesn't have to walk so far to get bread and milk."

Teacher: "Very good Anita! Yes Suzie!"

Suzie: "Near my home, they are building a furniture factory.

My daddy is a carpenter and this permits him to work near home."

Teacher: "Excellent, thank-you Suzie!"

At this point, little Johnny's hand shoots up and the Teacher asks:
"Oh heavens, Johnny tell me what new development is being built near your home."

Little Johnny: "Near my home, they are building a brothel."

As planned, all the young ladies get up and proceed to leave.

Little Johnny says, "Hey relax...sluts, it hasn't opened yet!"

[JoeK]

Example Of A Development

Teacher: "Children, tomorrow I would like you to give me an example of a development that is currently being built near your home and what are the advantages of this new development.

At the end of the class, the teacher asks that all the little girls remain behind for 5 minutes.

Teacher: "Young ladies, I have received numerous complaints from your parents concerning Little Johnny's' crude remarks.

It is very likely that tomorrow he is going to say something dirty and that is why I am asking you all, to avoid any further problems that if he says anything that appears rude, I would like you all to get up and leave the classroom."

Everybody agreed to this plan.

Next day -

Teacher: "Is everybody ready with their assignment? Go ahead Anita."

Anita: "Near my home, a supermarket is being built. Now my mommy doesn't have to walk so far to get bread and milk."

Teacher: "Very good Anita! Yes Suzie!"

Suzie: "Near my home, they are building a furniture factory.

My daddy is a carpenter and this permits him to work near home."

Teacher: "Excellent, thank-you Suzie!"

At this point, little Johnny's hand shoots up and the Teacher asks:
"Oh heavens, Johnny tell me what new development is being built near your home."

Little Johnny: "Near my home, they are building a brothel."

As planned, all the young ladies get up and proceed to leave.

Little Johnny says, "Hey relax...sluts, it hasn't opened yet!"

[icyyfire]

why did the girl fall of the swing?







cuz she didn't have any arms.