A man walks into a bar and asks for a glass of water. The bartender pulls out a

[Unregistered]

The story of a very short man

A man walks into a bar and says, "Bartender, give me two shots." Bartender says, "You want them both now or one at a time?" The guy says," Oh, I want them both now. One's for me and one's for this little guy here," and he pulls a tiny three inch man out of his pocket.

The bartender asks "He can drink?"

"Oh, sure. He can drink."

So the bartender pours the shots and sure enough, the little guy drinks it all up.

"That's amazing" says the bartender. "What else can he do, can he walk?"

The man flicks a quarter down to the end of the bar and says, "Hey, Jake. Go get that." The little guy runs down to the end of the bar and picks up the quarter. Then he runs back down and gives it to the man.

The bartender is in total shock. "That's amazing" he says, "what else can he do? Does he talk?"

The man says "Sure he talks, hey, Jake, tell him about that time we were in Africa and you made fun of that witch doctor's powers!"

[Unregistered]

A very depressed man

There's a man sitting at a bar just looking at his drink. He stays like that for half an hour. Then, a big trouble-making truck driver steps next to him, takes the drink from the guy, and just drinks it all down.

The poor man starts crying. The truck driver says, "Come on man, I was just joking. Here, I'll buy you another drink. I just can't stand seeing a man crying."

"No, it's not that. This day is the worst of my life. First, I fall asleep, and I'm late to my office. My boss, in an outrage, fires me. When I leave the building to my car, I found out it was stolen. The police say they can do nothing. I get a cab to return home and when I leave it, I remember I left my wallet and credit cards there. The cab driver just drives away. I go home and when I get there, I find my wife sleeping with the gardener. I leave home and come to this bar. And when I was thinking about putting an end to my life, you show up and drink my poison."

[Unregistered]

The wife is not speaking to me

One night, this guy come into a bar and asks the bartender for a drink. Then he asks for another. After a couple more drinks, the bartender gets worried.

"What's the matter?" the bartender asks.

"My wife and I got into a fight," explained the guy "and now she isn't talking to me for a whole 31 days."

The bartender thought about this for a while. "But, isn't it a good thing that she isn't talking to you?" asked the bartender.

"Yeah, except today is the last night."

[Unregistered]

Ok heres a real goood one

a guy walks into a bar and sits at the bar says to the bartender "ill have 7 shots of jim beam" the bartender then says whats the occasion the man replys my first blowjob the bartender then says well mate have another round on me the guy then says no offence mate but if 7 shots dont get the taste out i dont know what will

[Unregistered]

A man is in a bar and goes up to the counter and says "ill bet u a fiver i can piss in this bottle while it rolling along the bench"
the bartender slaps a fiver on the counter and says "your on"
so the man gets his ammunition and starts rolling the bottle. and at the end of the bench he didn tget one drop in.
The bartender says "u lose mate, u owe me a fiver."
the guy says "oh well, im getting 50 bucks from each guy over there for pissing all over your bench and getting away with it"

[Unregistered]

An English man, an Irish man and a Scotts man walk into a bar. They all take a seat at the bar and each one orders a pint. A fly just so happens to fall into their drinks after they are served.
The English man pushes his drink away and demands a new one.
The Scotts man flicks the fly out shrugs and chugs his down along with the English man's after taking the fly out.
The Irish man picks his fly up by the wings and begins to shake it saying, "Spit it out, spit it out!!!"

[admin]

The Duck
A man walks into a bar with a metal box under one arm and a duck under the other. The man walks up to the bar and asks the bar tender "if you give me a free bottle of beer I'll show you my dancing duck". The barman is surprised, but gives the guy a bud and asks the bloke to show him the duck dancing. So the guy puts the metal box on the bar, and stands the duck on top of it. A few seconds later the duck starts to jump around, as if he's doing an Irish jig.
Everyone in the bar is now watching this duck dancing, and the barman offers the guy $50 for the duck and the box. The bloke accepts, and the pub is filled day and night for 3 days with people watching the amazing dancing duck.
So 3 days after he sold the barman the duck, the guy walks back in to the pub and sees his duck dancing on the box on top of the bar.
The barman sees the guy and offers him a bottle of bud on the house. As he gives the guy the bud, the barman asks, "Could you tell me how you stop the duck from dancing on top of the box?"

The man replies, "Oh that's easy, you just take the hot coals out."

The Pony
A pony walks into a bar and says "Bartender, may I have a drink?"
Bartender says "What? I can't hear you. Speak up!"
"May I please have a drink?"
"What? You have to speak up!"
"Could I please have a drink?"
"Now listen, if you don't speak up I will not serve you."
"I'm sorry, I'm just a little hoarse."

[Unregistered]

Blind Man
A blind man walks into a bar with a seeing-eye dog. When the blind man reaches the center of the bar, he snatches the dog up by his collar and starts swinging him around and around.
The bartender speaks up and says "Hey what the hell are you doing?"
The blind man says, "Just taking a look around.."

A guy walks into a bar and sees a dog lying in the corner licking his balls. He turns to the bartender and says, "Boy, I wish I could do that."
The Bartender replies, "You'd better try petting him first."
This guy walks into a bar with a frog on his head.
The bartender says, "Hey, what's that?"
To which the frog replies "I don't know. It started as a wart on my bum and this happened."
This duck walks into a bar and the bartender looks at him and says, "Hey, buddy, your pants are down..."
A rabbi, a priest, and a bishop walk into a bar.
The bartender says, "What is this, some kind of joke?"
This fly goes into a bar one day, and orders a drink. The customer next to him looks at him and says to the bartender, "What's with him?"
The bartender says, "Oh, he works in the restaurant down the street."
The man asks the fly, "What line of work do you do?"
The fly sighs, "The waiters always put me in bowls of soup, and it's tough on my health."
A five-dollar bill walks into a bar. Bartender says, "Get outta here! We don't serve your type. This is a singles bar."
A man walks into a bar with a roll of tarmac under his arm and says: "Pint please, and one for the road."
A guy walks into a bar and the bartender says to the man, "Hey guy, you've got a steering wheel down your pants."
The guy replies "Yeah I know. Its driving me nuts!"
Two blondes walk into the bar....You'd think one of them would of seen it !!

[Unregistered]

A short man walks in to the bar and begins to tell the bartender his story. Well, he theths, I wath driving down thith country road, when I thaw a thine that thaid "horth for thale". I jutht happened to be looking to buy a thorth, tho I turned up the driveway to thee about it.

The farmer wath quite nithe about thowing me the horth, but I made it clear to him that it had to be a healthy horth, not jutht any old thag back.

The farmer to me it wath a three year old mare. When we got to the horth, I athked the farmer to pick me up to thee the hortheth eyth, becauth I wath too thort. The farmer reluctantly picked me up to thee.

I checked the hortheth eyth, and they theemed great, and the farmer put me down. Nexthd, I athked the farmer to pick me up to thee the hortheth teeth. He wath even more reluctant thith time, but he did it.

I grabbed the hortheth lipth, lifted them, and tapped on the teeth to be thure they we tholid. They were, and the farmer put me down. We thtepped back thowards the hortheth hind quarter, looking towardth hith head, when I athked the farmer to thee the hortheth twat. The farmer grabbed me, picked me up, and thtuck me in the hortheth bum. Then he pulled me out and thtood me up, right at the back thide of the horth.

Well, I wath in thock. I wath covered in poo, and some got in my mouth.

As I thpit it out, I thaid to the farmer, " Let me rephrathe that. Can I thee her gallop thlowly?"

[admin]

These two hunters enter the bar every day, the first one always carries the skin of an bear, the other one always empty handed. So the second one goes up to the first hunter and asks him how he gets to shoot a bear every day. "Well, that's easy", he replies," I just go over to one of those holes in the mountain, stand in front of it and shout; 'Yo, fat f***** cu** of a bear, get your stinking a** out off this hole!' as loud as I can, then the bear gets out and I shoot the it. Easy as that."
"O.K." the other one says, "I'll remember that". So the next day the first hunter comes into the bar with his skin and orders a beer. About ten minutes later the second one crawls in, covered in blood, missing an leg, and is generally a mess. So the other hunter yells "What the happened to you man?!"
"Aargh", says the other one " I did what you told me to do, I went to a hole, started shouting and swearing at that bear and guess what happened?"
"What?"
"A train came out."