How to handle five year old step son who cries and whines too much?

[MzeMuff]

My fiance and I have been together for almost 6 years. I have a 10 year old from a previous relationship and he has a son who is 5 years old. We have a 15 month old baby together. I thought his son would go through the jealous stages but he has a sister with his mother and he sees her regularly. This little boy is the biggest whinner and crybaby I have ever met. He cries if you say no or if you tell him to do something he does not want to do. I have been in his life since he was 6 months old and practically raised him as my own because he mother is a deadbeat. My daughter was never like this and my son who is going through his toddler stages does not whine 1/2 as much as he does. He has lived with us and his grandmother since his birth. Now that he is in school he lives with us permantly and its driving me crazy. I treat him like he is my own but how do you control feelings about someone else's child. He is having a time adjusting to living with how we do things around here (i.e. no t.v. during school days, no candy everyday) things he was use to. He went to a daycare for 2 hours a day so he is so behind in Kindergarten. He thinks the teacher should stand by him while he does his work but she has 31 other kids to attend too. He needs serious help and I don't know where to start!

[Einsteinetta]

I know this will sound a little harsh, but it's not meant to be. Please read it all anyway.

First of all, think about the heart of this little child: Abandoned by the people who should be bonding with him and protecting him from fear and lonliness, by the people whose world should have revolved around him when he came into this world (isn't that what happens when we have babies?); shuffled from here to there and back again, probably feeling like he's in everybody's way. He's nobody's favorite. He doesn't even have a home. For awhile it's grandmother's, then it mommy's, then when she finds someone else, or something else becomes more important than he is, it's daddy's and his girlfriends--only they have their own baby. Everybody has a different mommy or daddy or wife or husband or baby. Even his teachers have dozens of other special kids. Where does HE fit in? He's not stupid. He can see that nobody really wants him.

Now he's "behind" in what the other kids are up on, so that gives him even less 'value.'

And he's only 5 years old!

How would YOU feel under those circumstances?

It's not his fault that his mommy and daddy brought him into the world and then didn't give a rip about his heart. It's not his fault they chose to go other directions. It's not his fault he has to eat and takes up space, and needs care. He didn't produce himself!

So you didn't bring him into this world, but you DID know when you hooked up with his dad, that he existed and that he belonged to his dad. If you love his daddy, you will love all that belongs to his daddy. That includes this poor little child, who is only guilty of wanting to be loved--just like all the rest of us. Only he doesn't know how to bring it about.

Try taking some special time to read just to him at night before he goes to bed. Try making him see what a great "big brother" he is. And for crying out loud, take him out of day care and school of all kinds for the rest of the school year. Take over his care and keeping and training yourself. For goodness sake, be his mom. If you want him to learn to count and read and spell his name, or whatever, get some little books and when the baby takes a nap every day, spend 15-20 minutes with this little boy and play a game by reading, learning letters, writing, drawing with him. WITH him. Make him feel like a beloved child--even if at first you don't 'feel' it: you're the adult, he's a child--and the whining will take care of itself.

You don't need a therapist, or a counselor or anything expensive. Just treat the little guy like you would want to be treated if you were him. And when you can't figure out what's wrong, stop and ask yourself this question: If I were him, why would I be whining (or ________whatever he's doing that bothers you)?

Oh, and God bless you in your efforts, and for caring enough to want to do something about it.

[Crystal]

It doesnt matter who gave birt to him. if you've raised him thenin my opinion he's your son. He might be doing all the sooking for attention. When he gets really bad do what my mum did with us. She put us in our rooms untill we got over it (it doesnt scar you of anything. just gives the kid time to vent his feelings and he'll probably feel better afterwards aswell) Does his biological mother spoil him when hes over? If she does talk to her about it and how you both can get him out of this stage

[Unregistered]

Your post sounds almost exactly like my life- 15 mo old baby boy, 5 (almost 6 yr old) stepson, and a 3 week old newborn girl! Stepson also has another half sister at his mothers house. It's been very hard the past 2 years with 2 pregnancies in a row and this year we had stepson most of the year- he has a sorta crappy mother- she does financially provide for him but other than that she's not there for him as much and she drinks alot plus she's always working so his 13 yr old sister pretty much raises him while he's at his mothers house or he takes care of himself because she's busy and has friends and is just tryin to be a teen. So he too has alot of issues-- like wanting his parents to be back together and doing and saying mean things to try to make me mad at his dad or cause us to fight intentionally etc (for example he's always saying that his daddy said he's coming back to live with them and .. daddy constantly has to tell him he doesn't like his mom like that at all and it's never gonna happen), he also has abandonment issues because he didn't see his dad for a while when he left his mom because they lived 8 hrs away, so he's super jealous and clingy with his dad also to the extent it's scary-- his dad can't even leave or go to work while he's around because he wont eat or drink if his dad goes somewhere with out him he will literally sit and cry the whole time untill his dad is forced to come back because no body can handle him, on top of it all he has ADHD-- he's been diagnosed 2 times by 2 different doctors and his parents are in denial about it because they don't want to admit something is goin on with their child, he has anger issues too and it ties into the adhd, he's actually told me he hates his body and wants to die because his body is "storming" inside and wont stop and he cant make it stop. All me and his dad do is argue about things to do with him (not infront of him tho of course) but we cant agree on dicipline or anything. I never spank him or anything like that. I do things like time out etc but his dad doesn't want me doin anything he just wants me to "let him handle it" but he kinda leaves me to watchin him when he's over while he's just chillin watchin tv etc. I can not get this child to mind me, or to respect me in my own home.. It got so bad I had to say that he couldn't come over for the month and a half before I had our new baby because I just couldn't handle it anymore with the pregnancy pains and illness I had.. It was all too much, I was too sick and moody. I felt awful but didn't know what else to do. I have done everything possible to be kind and loving to this child.. we've spent tons of time with him, take him to do fun stuff all the time, always give him tons of love and affection and attention, include him in everything, we buy him nice things, expensive toys etc (which I know money isn't everything and doesnt make up for not being an active parent so dont get me wrong on that one), but it's like he doesnt appreciate anything.. I paid 0 for a DSI XL nentendo game and he has had it 8 months and he tore up the protective nerf case I bought for it with in 2 weeks from chewing it apart, he's dropped it a million times, broke the charger, made it to where the games wont even stay in the dang thing, and now it's completely broke- not even turning on, and he was "telling" us to buy him a new xbox connect for christmas! I am like WHOAAA you didn't take care of the other game. I told him since we bought it that if he doesnt take care of it the thing isnt gonnna work anymore, I tell him every day he's with us to quit dropping it etc, and he just dont care it seems he throws it around etc, . He has alot of dicipline, and behavior issues.. and at our house he's supervised 24/7 and at home he's not so all he does is sit there and eat and play his game systems (he has like 3 at home!! and still wants more of course).. he eats to the point he's unhealthy over weight, and his parents dont care about that either, It's gotten so bad there are times where we run out of food and our foodstamps trying to feed him (because he's not on my foodstamp case, just his moms).. I mean he eats 2x the amount of a grown man.. he out eats me and his dad put together at every meal.. but yeah when he's at our house he pushes my buttons and tries to pull me and his dad apart in each and every way he can to the point where I have thought "screw this, I can't deal with this, if this is how it's going to be and he cant help to get his child to respect me in my own home, then we cant be together". I have honestly thought about leaving his dad over him becasue I just am at my wits ends with him alot of the time with his eye rolling, rude & back talking, and his smirking and laughing n smiling when I tell him something to do, or not to do. I tell him no on something, and not to ask his dad cause he just asked me and he will turn around one second later and ask his dad on purpose just to piss me off and he smirks and laughs about it. And once he gets me and his dad fighting he goes over to his dad, gets clingy and just keeps saying "i love you daddy, do you love me, only me?" and he will smirk and laugh while standing next to his dad to where his dad can't see it but i can and he just looks at me and laughs while his dad is arguing with me. he reminds me of the movie "the good child" I mean he acts really evil sometimes and it makes it worse becasue I dont like his mother and he makes faces just like her when he smirks at me. I now see why people get divorced over their children. I just can't believe a 5 year old little boy has the capacity to wreck our lives like this. He literally makes my life a living hell when he's around. I hate that I feel this way and truly wish I didn't but it's very very hard, especially when his dad of course is going to be on his side.. I just can't seem to bond with him the way I do with the other children we have. I want to and I really try to but I just can't seem to.

[Unregistered]

oh and Einstinetta I totally see what you're saying and agree with it for the most part. It's a very heartfelt true way to think about and look at a child like.. but when you're in the middle of it and feel like your 5 year old is out to get you, and seems to be trying to completely destroy everything you've worked so hard to keep together, it's almost like you start thinkin they are being a little devil or something. This situation is so hard, and yeah they didnt ask to be born, and maybe they do feel like they dont fit anywhere etc.. but in my case I don't think that is quite it, he's a spoiled little boy and knows he's loved, he has everything he could want and then some, he's very bratty, used to always getting what he wants, never getting punished, and getting away with murder practically, to him the world is all about him and should be. He's only 5 but he has the mind of an older child, he thinks smarter, quicker and more in depth. He's incredibly intelligent to the point it's easy to forget that he is only 5 because of the way he thinks and things he says and does. I pray for anyone else who is in this type situation because it's been driving me bonkers for 2 years now, and I've become so incredibly on edge and stressed due to this.