Future mother-in-law says she felt ignored at my bridal shower. How is that my fault?

[ElsaW]

My shower was this past weekend. Basically it was all my friends, my family, sorority sisters. A little over 50 people. Untraditional yes, but I wanted all the important women that I love and cherish there. FMIL and I don't get on, but I told my MOH to invite her because she had to be there per etiquette-I didn't want to cause drama by her not being there. Anyway, the day after the shower, FMIL complained to FH that she felt ignored at the shower, that everyone talked about frivolous topics like fashion and celebrity gossip, not the upcoming election (FMIL is a community activist and politics is all she wants to talk about). She also said that everyone broke off into groups and gossiped and in terms of my family, we talked a lot about family members she didn't know and therefore she couldn't join in the conversation. She bitched that there were no getting to know you games, that everyone knew each other already and she and her daughter felt left out, that she and her side of the family sat at a different table from me and my family, that everyone gushed over my mom and not her, that when I opened gifts, I had my mom on one side and my gran on the other. She also says that everyone at the shower was too young and she couldn't relate to anyone, that there were too many people there and she couldn't get near me and it was the worst shower she had ever been too. Isn't she being petty? She just needs to get over it, IMHO. It is called a BRIDAL shower, not an FMIL shower and the it was right that she was not the focus. I mean, who does she think she is?

[AshleyD]

not your fault. its a bridal shower, not a political debate. its supposed to be FUN! politics tend to start arguments, and with 50 people floating about, there was bound to be at least one person there that if she started talking politics, a really heated debate would have flared up. its a BRIDAL shower. topics of discussion should be the upcoming wedding, the fun your gonna have on your honey moon, the nice towels aunt betty bought you, and fashion and things of that nature. not politics.

so no, its not your fault. your FMIL could have dropped the political babble for one day and let her hair down to have a good time. and as for the getting to know you games, yeah, well, it may be true that everyone knew each other already, but christ, i can walk up to any random person on the street and have at least ONE thing to talk about with them. and no, it wouldnt be politics. you just have to start a conversation and somewhere in there is gonna be a topic you both know a lot about

congrats on your impending nuptuials (lol, sorry, i just always wanted to say that). im sorry to hear that your FMIL chooses to be rude about a situation she could have easily avoided by just choosing to drop politics for one day. plus, if there were 50 people there, do you know how time consuming it would be for you to introduce her personally to every one of them? it would eat up half of what is supposed to be your day.

[Cherish]

this IS NOT your fault. your mother-in-law will be okay. what did you fiance say why she told him all of this? he should have told her that the shower isnt about her and that it is your time and she will have to step aside and take a chill pill

[kazacan44]

You are very open about saying that you don't get along with your FMIL. I am thinking that you have told all your family and friends that she is not your favorite person as well and I'm thinking also that your misguided pals ignored her somewhat thinking that they should not be nice to her. Of course, that is very immature but it happens in the best of circles. She sounds pretty selfish, if your statements are honest, but weddings are supposed to bring families together - not tear them apart. You say your mom was on one side and your gran was on the other...usually your mom is on one side, with the FMIL beside her - and your MOH on the other side to assist you. I have to ask: Was your FMIL introduced to everyone in the room as you sat down? Was she given some courtesy as the groom's mother? Bridal showers are an opportunity for guests to get to know each other so they have more fun at the wedding reception. Your friends decided not to go that route, and that is their prerogative but now you are dealing with the fallout. I don't know why you are continuing this animosity with your FMIL - you will have her in your life for, hopefully, EVER. It is time you started looking for her good points. After all, she raised the man you love!! It wouldn't kill you to write her a note and say that you are sorry that she felt isolated at your shower and that you apologize of any of your friends made her feel unwelcome. Thank her for attending and then, in next week or so, invite her to a nice lunch with your mom to discuss last minute wedding things. Make no mention of the fiasco from the shower and TRY to make peace in your family. This might not be the answer you wanted but you have to realize that an impartial reader can only see what you write and we have to answer based on how the situation sounds from our side of the PC screen.

[July]

Are you serious? Can I be the only person who thinks that this attitude is a little bit over the top. A little bit frivolous and selfish? It's a big life change to have your son marrying someone. I don't think it would have hurt you one little bit to have spent some time introducing your FMIL around and making her feel welcome. And it certainly won't serve you well in your future relationship with this woman to go around complaining about how petty she is. Maybe she is really disagreeable and uptight, but writing her off entirely as being disagreeable and uptight is a big mistake.

Approach her. Say sincerely "I'm so sorry you felt uncomfortable at my shower. I did not mean to exclude you and your daughter from anything. I'd really love it if you could let me make it up to you." If you think about it, such an apology isn't necessarily admitting wrong doing on your part--something you're clearly less than eager to do--but it does express your regret that you've made her unhappy. Hopefully you aren't inclined to make her uncomfortable or miserable. Ask her to join you for a nice dinner or at some wedding planning event.

Sometimes you have to give up a little bit of something to have a good relationship with someone. With the future in-laws, I think this is incredibly important to bear in mind. Good luck.

[HappyNowrxo143]

honestly it is not your fault, but i can see where she is comming from. She doesn't know anyone and she wants to get to know people that will be apart of her future. You are becomming a family why don't you go out for lunch with her and your mom let them get to know each other :-)

[ELIZABETHe]

it isnt, she's just being a total beeyotch

[Avengelyne]

Wow She's pretty selfish and very childish. Someone who just likes to complain. Sounds like my future mother in-law. She cant even keep a friend.

[lilblondegal789]

Here's the problem:

You are marrying her son.


My MIL and I get along GREAT and have since day one. BUT when it came to planning the wedding (which I did on my own and we even paid for everything) I felt like nothing I did was right in her eyes.

It's a very emotional time for her, and a lot of mother's feel like they are being replaced, and their son won't need them anymore. Obviously that's not the case, but until the wedding is over she's going to be a wreck.

Not saying that excuses her behavior, but it might help explain why she's acting so petty. My MIL also felt left out because naturally I would go to MY mom with all the ideas and plans, and I honestly didn't think my MIL was all that interested, or figured she'd ask her son. I guess I thought wrong.

I'm sure it doesn't help that the two of you don't get along that well anyway. Maybe you could try to get to know her a little more so you can start off married life not completely hating your new MIL. I'm sure your FH would appreciate it.

Oh, and learn to let things go! Yes, she was an awful guest and shouldn't be so rude as to complain about the party, but if you let it eat at you I promise you WILL go insane. ;o)

[MseKawanaYa'llm]

She should've known it wasn't going to be about politics and not everyone your age really wants to sit and talk about politics. Some people do, I feel I got more to talk about in life than other ambitions such as politicians. I think you should have tried to talk to her, see if she wants to sit at the table with you. An effort MIGHT have derailed her spewing to your H2B, it's not your fault, but you could've tried a little, even try to include her in maybe handing you the presents. She's going to be a big part of your lifewhetherr or not you are ready for that or not...she is.

Maybe apologize.Just for not talking to her as much as you could have. I'd feel bad if I left someone out at my party and then they tried to bad talk me to my hubby! You don't have to, but I'd feel shitty even if me and my FMIL don't like each other if she got her feelings hurt. IJustt like for everyone to be comfortable. Just don't feel bad and try not to let it happen again. MIL's always seem to find a way to push themselves into things!!!