Hello. I just wrote a poem. Hope you like it!?

[john]

You've got good points and a good story but poor structure.

Your verse is fine, but you need to choose: will I rhyme or not?

For example:

But as time went by
He changed you see

He was no longer a friend
But an enemy

Those are both forced and sound juvenile, like they were thrown together for the sake of the rhyme. Put words together for the words.

Or you can go the other path and rhyme everything. In that case, though, you probably want a sturcture of syllables.

I say make it free verse, no rhyme. I like you're couplets and your ending, that's strong. Change "The problems we have made through the years", though- that's out of place.

Good work!

[stressed out]

wow, good

[Princess Sarah]

I LOVE IT! good job!!!

[crystal]

you are very talented. deep and dark. i liked it tho.

[Clam]

Right nice sweetie.