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  1. #1
    taja b
    Guest

    What do you think of this story?I Really need feedback!?

    In calculus, I was under my own storm cloud. My eyes studied the ridges of my black sneakers,as I dared not to look up at any potential ridiculer. I never liked being in this class-let alone at this whole institution of Golden Valley High; a place scattered with the people that level the kook in black to the gum on the bottom of their shoe. It's bad enough that even my name labeled me a freak, like a big, prominent stamp across my forehead. Only, a certain burden was my own stamp.

    I don't have the stereotype of a freak because of my deviating appearance or even my name; it's because I have, what you might say is a extraordinary flaw. It involves a wand, and a broomstick as my defect.

    I could still remember when the power erupted from me the first time. I was 15. I cried uncontrolably in my pillow, feeling the damp cotton against my cheek. My stomach ached, while I continued to sob in small bursts.

    Then, Alex and her equally beautiful followers manicured hands pulling at my stringy hair and their mean words,crowded around me like well groomed wolves around fresh meat. Their hungry eyes flashed with greed, hoping to feed off the meat of my ego...

    A knock vanished Alex and those beautiful girls, and I found myself back in my room. I once again felt the moisture of the pillowcase against my cheek.

    "Ziadora? Are you in there?", my mother asked, as she fidgeted with her pearls.

    " Go away!" I replied, sniffing back a couple of tears.

    Even behind my bedroom door, I could picture her irritated face.

    " Zia, I'm not in the mood for this. What's wrong with you now?"

    " Nothing Mom! Just go away. I just need to be alone right now!"

    "Then why are you sniffing?", my mother asked.

    "I SAID GO AWAY!"

    I feel a weird sensation speeding up my arms into my hands. Then, In a automatic movement, webs of golden light rushed out of the tips of my fingers, blasting away the door that my mother stood behind. The door, along with my mother fell backward and slammed onto the wooden floor. For a brief moment, I was in disbelief, wondering if this just happened or if I was turning insane. Then fear overpowered me. I immediately ran to my mother . She was unconscious, but she looked so peaceful, and so still.

    I pulled the door off her, and I shook her, hoping to God she wasn't dead.

    " Mom. Mom! Please wake up."

    She remained still.

    "MOM! Please! Please don't be dead!"

    New tears ran down my face, as I continued to shake her. I couldn't have the only person who loved me to die I just couldn't. I don't know what I would do...

    I continued to scream, "MOM! Oh my God-"





    All of a sudden, A paper ball slammed against my head, throwing me back into my 17 year old self. I finally looked up, and saw that Mr Parr was scribbling notes while explaining Derivatives. Then I turned around, wondering who threw it. When I realized who it was, I immediately turned around, trying my hardest to avoid the stare of Alex Johnson.

    Alex Johnson is what I call a rich and beautiful prototype of a bitch. She, and followers are the main contributors of the venomous words and taunting of not only me, but other teens also who doesn't have the traits of beauty. They try so hard to bring me down, I feel myself shrinking smaller and smaller until I meet their perfectly manicured feet. I have to admit that their plan is nearly successful.

    Anyways, I tried to look away from her eyes, but she caught it and pulled me in with her malevolent smirk. After she seen me, all hell broke loose.

    As her eyes sparkled with evil only a few others and I could decode, she whispered, "What are you looking at freak?"

    Her followers and a couple others snickered in laughter, as my face flushed in deep red. Alex continued to smirk in that malevolent way of hers, and I wanted nothing more right now than to punch her in her lacquered mouth.

    After my reply of hesitant silence, she repeated in mock wonder, "I said, what are you looking at freak?"

    Then she threw another balled up piece of paper at me. Her followers and the few others that overheard continued to chuckle, as Alex smirked in satisfaction. My anger began to build up in pulsating rage, and I picked up the paper ball and squeezed it with all my might. Then, I felt the webs escaping from my fingers. I felt the paper ball morph into a jagged rock, and my lack of control caused me to turn around and throw the jagged rock into her bronzed face. Fear in Alex's eyes transformed into a scream of vain,covering her previously rosy left cheek that was now a circle of raw flesh with her hands. Then, she collasped on the ground, still clutching her left cheek.

    Everyone-including Alex, her silicone followers, and the rest of the class looked at me not in disgust, but in fear for once. The 3 girls began to surround and confort Alex, and Bella, the suck up of the clique, tried to absorb and wipe off the blood flowing down her cheek with a handerchief. Mr. Parr, previously writing down notes on the chalkboard and oblivious of this incident going on behind him, turned to face the class and looked around.


    Seeing Alex's shock and my flushed rage, he shouted, " Ziadora, what's going on?"

    My voice choked up from brief shame and nervousness, and I stuttered, "I-I t-thr-"

    "You what?" he asked again, his voice becomming more demanding.

    " She threw that jagged rock in my face!"

    He moved his eyes to Alex's direction, and her gouged cheek and her bloody appearance filled his vision.

    "Zia, did you do this?", he asked quietly.


    Guiltily, I nodded in reply.

    Then his eyes widened , and his voice rose in anger as he said, " Zia, get your things and go to the office right now! "

    Then he walked over to where Alex was sitting, and helped her up.

    I desperately wanted to explain why this whole situation happened in the first place, but I decided against it. Instead, I gathered up my things and calmly walked out of the classroom.

    As I headed down to the Principal's office, I felt a bit content for the first time in years. For a moment, I felt afraid of what was going to happen when I got to the Principal's office. Eventhough it's a very likely chance that I'll face suspension, I never felt so good hurting someone before in my life. The last time I had one of these outbursts, I felt a overload of shame and guilt because I thought that my mother, one of the few people that I loved, was dead. However, my mother has never been better now, and hate is all I feel for Alex. Just seeing her fall off her high chair of arrogance made my day for the first time in months.

  2. #2
    mominpink
    Guest
    I thought it was great I didn't understand some of the words but that could be my ignorance. any how I would love to read the whole thing when you are done.

  3. #3
    bmwdriver11
    Guest
    Some grammatical errors, which don't help at all. Some of the dialog is a bit off kilter- not very believable sounding such as "She threw that jagged rock in my face!". Now, if someone had just hit you in the face with a jagged rock and the teacher asked you what happened would you say "She threw a jagged rock in my face!"? Would anyone? Have you examined the rock at that point to know its jagged? Would the teacher care that it was jagged? Just going back to a simpler "She threw a rock in my face" would be somewhat less forced sounding. It seems almost like you are sitting there with a thesaurus, trying to come up with as many adjectives as possible, to be honest with you.

  4. #4
    red head
    Guest
    In my opinion i thk is good.im not a good writer myself but the whole expression was clear.enjoyed reading it..


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