COULD SOMEONE PLEASE CHECK OUT MY STORY! ITS SHORT! 10POINTS TO BEST ANSWER?

[Jenny]

Hi guys. I am a 15 year old girl who loves to write and read. I was wondering if someone could please please edit these two sections for me. They both from different scene so yeah. I have also given a little background on each part like what's happening so you have an idea what I'm talking about. I know it seems long but trust me its really not! Best answer receives 10 points! Thank you for anyone that answers the question in advice.

PART ONE: - Background on what's the hap: Is about her friend cancelling on her on a Friday night for a guy she met at a coffee, so she walking around the city looking at couples and this is her thought.

Everywhere I looked, I saw people together and with their friends. I was all alone - like a loser - without my "so-called" best friend. She ditched me for "some guy she met at a coffee shop." She knew that Friday's were "our" night, no matter what. I expected this to happen one day, but I didn't expect it to be this soon


PART TWO: background on what's the hap: A guy she once dated happen to bump into her in the clubs.

Suddenly, I felt a pair of hands on my waist, and jumped at the sensation. Turning quickly at a fast speed, my eyes locked with Colin, and there were no words that could sum up the intense wave of emotion that I felt as I looked at this man. His hands fell from my hips, and my hair bristled at the touch. I could feel the small hairs on my arms raised, despite the heat. I had felt his touch a thousand times before, and now I couldn't stand the reality- and just as soon as I felt him, he was gone, dancing off into the throng, smiling and touching a dozen other men and women in the same casually, yet oh-so-intimate fashion. "Bastard," I murmured.

His touch brought back all the great times we had had together, that until I caught him cheating on me at the back off our school gym with some skunky hoe who have been onto him since Junior year, I guess finally her wishes came true. He liked to project a bad-boy attitude, but underneath he was just an immature, lost soul who had no genuine feelings towards anyone expect himself. This time, I promised myself I wasn't going to let him get to me, but why was I feeling this way? Before I could finish my thought, I caught sight of Michael waving energetically, heading toward me.

[desdinova]

Just wanted to let you know that you write very well. You are descriptive and very insightful for your age into a man's mind and his motivation. Keep up the great writing!

[doa114christ]

Everywhere I looked, I saw couples and groups of close friends. I was all alone—like a loser—without my so-called best friend. She ditched me for some guy she met at a coffee shop. [<–you can leave the quotes if that is exactly what the friend said and you intend for your narrator to be consciously quoting her. If the narrator is merely informing the reader that the friend had met the guy in a coffee shop, remove the quotes.] She knew that Fridays were "our" night, no matter what. I expected this to happen one day, but I didn't expect it to be this soon.

Suddenly, I felt a pair of hands on my waist, and it made me jump. Whirling, my eyes locked with Colin's, and there were no words that could sum up the intense wave of emotion that I felt as I looked at the man. Goose bumps prickled on my arms, despite the heat. His hands fell from my hips. I had felt his touch a thousand times before, and now I couldn't stand the reality—and just as soon as I felt him, he was gone, dancing off into the throng, smiling and touching a dozen other men and women in the same casual, yet oh-so-intimate fashion. "Bastard," I murmured.

His touch brought back all the great times we had had together; that is, until I caught him cheating on me at the back of our school gym with some skanky hoe who had been into him since Junior year—I guess finally her wishes came true. He liked to project a bad-boy attitude, but underneath, he was just an immature, lost soul who had no genuine feelings towards anyone except himself. This time, I promised myself I wasn't going to let him get to me; but why was I feeling this way? Before I could finish my thought, I caught sight of Michael waving energetically, heading toward me.

[allymm]

Some people may critique that first sample you gave (part one paragraph), but if you're going for teen fiction it's truly fine. This is the way teens talk and think, and I think kids will connect with a reak character who they can identify with. Good work there!

On the second, you were redundant at the beginning. When you say "quickly", you don't also need to put "at a fast speed". (Easy to fix, don't worry!) You also typed "expect" instead of "except". I'm assuming this is just a typo, so don't worry about that either. It would only take you a minute to fix it. Honestly, you just need to proofread before you submit something. The content is fine for the teen genre, it's relatable and realistic, but you have simple errors in spelling and grammar.

Don't get discourage from criticism, just know that you have potential and should keep at it.

Good luck!!