What do you think of my story thus far?

[Rabyttt]

I am working on a novel. It's about a girl and a guy who meet each other, become close, start dating, etc.. The girl's parents die in a plane crash on their way to London,England. The guy takes the girl in to live with him, and they soon marry. What do you think of the first part? I'm 13 by the way


I was at the mall with Alicia and Emily. We went to buy some new clothes. As we walked into a store called 'Mayren's' , I saw these beautiful gold shoes. They looked like an angel took them off her feet and brought them to Earth.
"Alicia! Em!" I cried. As they walked over, I pointed to the golden, strapped high-heels. The girls seemed to love them too, because they were smiling in a daze. They look love-struck, I decided. As I turned around again, I see Emily and Alicia staring at this guy working the cash register. He had silky, brown skater hair and light brown eyes.
I picked up the $60.00 pair of heels and walked to the counter. On my way, I spotted a gorgeous pink and black t-shirt and the matching shorts. I picked up the outfit and hung it over my arm.
"Hey." I said to him. I looked into his eyes. "Just this for now."
"Of course." He smiled sweetly at me before he scanned the shoes and the outfit. "Your total comes to $96.78."
"Oh, ok." I handed him a $100.00 bill and crossed my arms. I took the bag he gave me to carry my items and held it with my left hand.
"Would you like a receipt?" He handed me a receipt.
"Thanks." I said as I smiled. As I walked out the door to the fountain, I looked at my receipt, and on the back it read, 'James-416-384-9372...Nice meeting you..Call me' I looked back at the store, looking for James. Funny, he wasn't there.
"Oou! Sammy likes the cashier!" Said Alicia, laughing as she did 'kissy faces.'
"Shut up, Alicia." I said as I winked. I showed her the note James left me. Alicia and Emily stared in admiration at the phone number.
"Call it, stupid!" Emily blurted out. She covered her mouth and laughed, like we did in grade 3 when someone said 'jerk.' Emily is a good-two-shoes girl who gets straight A's all of the time. I wonder how we became friends. I love her.
"Fine, I will, I will. Can we go to Pizza Palace first?" I did the 'puppy dog eyes' that Alicia can't resist.
As we walked to Pizza Palace, I had this butterfly tingling sensation in my stomach. Was I nervous to call James? Excited, even?

Alicia, Emily and I sat down at a table. Emily told us she'll go order. Alicia and I told Emily our orders and sent her away.
"Do you think you like the guy?" Asked Alicia
"I think so. We'll just have to see." I winked. Alicia knew I liked him, even though I have barley spoken to him.
A few moments later, Emily came over with a small Hawaiian pizza, 3 large Root Beers and 3 donuts. This is what we order every time we go to Pizza Palace inside of Windsworth Mall.


What can I do to improve my novel? Thanks

[GavBrown]

Sorry, but when i read that this girl was buying gold high-heeled stripy shoes and a "gorgeous" pink and black t-shirt and the matching shorts, it made it seem as though she is a prostitute

[Madison]

It's pretty good, but here's a few things to work on:

The flow: make sure all the syllables run smoothly and use transitions when switching between thoughts and different subjects. This will make the story much easier to follow and thus make it a better read.

Portraying emotions: Beware of how you explain emotions to the reader even a little mistake could mislead them. At the beginning of a story it's important to address emotions but not give them away all at once. Often, it is the suspense of wanting to know more about the characters that intrigues the reader.

Grammar: Yes, it may seem annoying, but if ignored the story will not flow well and be confusing and hard to follow.

Otherwise I liked it. Just keep writing and practicing and take all the constructive criticism you can get.

Best of luck!