Please read and tell me what you think?

[Jessica]

Okay so this is my first chapter to my story.
tell me what you think.


Blood, blood and ink, there was so much of it. I picked her up off the white rug and carried her down stairs from her pink room, the light in her big hazel eyes were fading, her long blond hair just hung still from her head. My 13year old sister Elizabeth just laid there in my arms dyeing.
“Mom,” I screamed! She ran into the hallway where I had Elizabeth in my arms.
My mother screamed, and ran her hands over her baby girl’s face moving whatever hair out of the way. She grabbed her out of my arms in a sudden motion, we ran to the family car that was parked out front. When my sister was born, she was born very sick. So we had to make sure to be careful around her.
Our mother gave her back to me. She picked up her cell and called our father, “Jonathan, go to emergency room of Notion hospital Elizabeth is hurt… No I don’t know what happened… I don’t care, if you get fired… I don’t care just get your ass to the fucking hospital… for our child.” She hung up the phone. My sister is a hemophiliac, if she gets a cut she could die, then it hit me Elizabeth my one and only sister might die.
We got there and there was a bed waiting for her. Mother must have called earlier. I didn’t know what they were doing to her once they ripped her out of my hands. A nurse with black curly hair told us we couldn’t go into the operating room to risky. So we stayed in the lobby. I couldn’t help stair at the big white doors.
Dad wasn’t there yet. “Mom,” I whispered her eyes were red and looked sore. She nodded in response to her hearing me. “It was an accident, we were fooling around, I w-w-was playing keep away with her dairy… I didn’t know she had one of the new pens in her hand… and she tripped. She tripped… over the bed, the pen was facing her. It went in her.” My mother started sobbing. This was my fault, it was my entire fault.
Then dad came running in, “where is she,” he ran over to my mother almost shaking her. I pulled him off of her. He looked at me.
“We were told to stay here, d-dad,” I sutured, and then I told him what happen.
“Mark, what did you do,” He cried! I sat there silent. As him and my mother sat there and sobbed, I didn’t make a sound.
Then a doctor came out to us, from the big white doors, “Mr. and Mrs. James may I speak with you in the next room.” All three of us got up and walked out of the waiting room. We walked into a smaller room, with her. “Your daughter Elizabeth…” she didn’t have to do anything we knew what was coming next. “I’m sorry we tried everything we could she lost too much blood. I’m so sorry for your lost.”
My mother didn’t say anything. We got up to go identify the body. It was her all right, she was still, the light in her eyes were gone. “Mom can we go,” I pulled on her shirt.
She nodded we left. They never wanted a son, I knew it. It they always love Elizabeth more.
We got in the car in silent. My mother pulled out a bottle and handed it to my father. My father fell asleep and I just sat in the back of the car. We started shaking the rode was on a cliff. The car went left and right. I started to get dizzy. “Mom are you ok?”

She screamed at me, “SHUT UP,” next I knew everything went black. I was in a hospital bed hooked up to an I.V.
There was a swarm of people around me. I don’t know what happened. “Mark wake up, Mark wake up.” I was beginning to wake; once my eyes fully adjusted I was at the hospital again. Why was I here? Where were mom and dad, “mom, dad?” I looked around and there was no one. Where the hell could they be and why dose my head and shoulder hurt.
A female doctor with red hair came up to me, she sat on the bed next to me. “Where is my mom, and where is my dad?” She frowned at the question.
“Mark, you were in a accident going home from the hospital, the car crush went off a cliff you were lucky you survived. Your mother and father didn’t.” I sat there in shocked, first my sister now my mother and father. I am twelve years old I am not supposed to go through stuff like this. She and the other doctors got up and left.
What am I going to do?
this was only a prologue to show, how mark ended up alone, yes i am sorry for i will try to fix it and on top of that i didn't know that girls can't really have the illness. thank you everyone
I'm sorry i really didn't want to drag it out to much i'm working on the spelling mistakes, and if anything The reason Mark is like that is because he is in a state of shock. His mother and father were bawling and he is in a state of shock. This is ONLY a PROLOGUE.

[Caroline]

The first part was amazing, but as soon as "Your daughter Elizabeth..." it sort of went downhill, it needed more emotion. He was just like okay, my sister died, that's great.

I didn't know girls couldn't have the illness, interesting.

[Matt]

Hi, it is very deep and emotional, yet scarring-ly depressing. I don't think I'll ever forget it It has a kinda Emo tinge to it, I don't really like sad stories.
THX, Matt

[coco]

Okay, there were a lot of grammatical and spelling mistakes, so go into Microsoft Word and fix everything underlines with a red, green, or blue swiggaly line.

Secondly, about your story, I actually really liked it until Elizabeth died, not because she did died, but because of the reaction of the family. Mark should've cried at least, since it was his fault, the mom and dad should be bawling and cursing and just having a horrible time, and they shouldn't be so willing to leave. Mark shouldn't say "they never wanted a son", HELLO his sister just died! I don't think he'd be worrying about that! And I really don't think the mom and dad should die right after, it's just cheesy. I don't know if your planning on going in a fantasy-direction, or realistic fiction, but you really need to fix your grammar mistakes, it makes the reading a bit annoying.

[TomZ]

One word for you "WOW"

[LilyWalker]

Um... Okay, only males can be hemophiliacs. It's a genetic anomaly if a girl is. It moves really fast. I think the people have unusual reaction. A mother would probably be kind of in shock and rather numb if she just lost her daughter. The boy was more or less responsible for his sister's death and, well, she just DIED. Yet he shows no sign of being upset. And there are a ton of grammar, punctuation, and spelling errors. I think you can describe things well and have fairly good word choice, but I think you should do research before mentioning things like diseases, slow it down a bit, and use Spell Check. I think you have potential, but this is not a great piece of writing. I'm trying to be helpful, so please don't take offense. Live and learn. Criticism rarely sounds nice, but you can't improve if you practice the methods you were constructively criticized on. Some people here are being arses, but I don't think I was. I'm sorry about the people who just insulted it with no advice. I'm glad you had the courage to post this.

[aanandoham]

well i have some thing else to do. i will read it if i got the time....please read it and tell me what you think. thanks.

[Boo]

Well the story is interesting, but maybe you should work on it a little, like the spelling and punctuation. but rather then that its great

[Lizzi]

Good start! I really liked it! I hope you don't mind if I give you some constructive criticism, I made a little revision of your chapter.


In the first little paragraph, there were a lot of run-on sentences so divide them up a bit.

"She grabbed her out of my arms in a sudden motion and we ran to the family car that was parked out front. When my sister was born, she was born very sick so we had to make sure to be careful around her."

(The last sentence of that section is displaced and random. Maybe build up to it a bit so it makes more since and is a little less random)


I didn't know what hemophilia was so thank you for educating me! Maybe you could explain a little bit more about hemophilia for the uneducated people like me.


...She nodded and we left. They never wanted a son, I knew it. It they always love Elizabeth more.
We got in the car in silent. My mother pulled out a bottle and handed it to my father. My father fell asleep and I just sat in the back of the car. We started shaking like the road was on a cliff. The car went left and right. I started to get dizzy. “Mom are you ok?”

(The last section where you talk about how they didn't want a son seems random and a bit insensitive. After all, his sister did just die, but he's thinking about himself? Maybe you can wait to talk about that later or if you were to do an intro before the death of Elizabeth, you could reveal the fact that Mark feels unloved by his parents. Also the whole thing with the cliff was much to soon and abrupt. Wait awhile longer before you introduce a new horror in this story.)



Very good start! I hope you were okay with the revisions I made. Of course you don't have to follow them, writing is about artistic expression and freedom of choice, after all.

[Soft]

l love it
but many errors