Funny Smartass Quotes?

[$hadeC]

Does anyone have any funny sarcastic/smartass quotes? And I mean really funny. Like one that actually will make you laugh out loud. I'm thinking of like the kind of humor from the movie Juno.

[<3iluvme<3]

"If life was fair, Elvis would still be alive and the impersonators would be dead!""When a man falls overboard, you say MAN OVERBOARD! When a woman falls overboard you scream: FULL SPEED AHEAD!""Statistics show married men live longer than unmarried men, but married men are more willing to die.""Three words women long to hear is, "I'll clean up!"''Dogs have masters, cats have staff!"

[Who cares....]

Smartass quotes my favorite one to say is when people tell me what to do I say "don't tell me what to do your not my real dad" also when people say your a smartass you say "my daddy said i could be anything I wanted to be so I became a smartass" one that pisses people off is when people tell you things that you could have went your whole life with out hearing you can say "did you see that.....the care and concern in my eyes" or "I think you mistaken me for some one who give a fuck" or "I don't give 2 shits or a fuck"

[admin]

I have great faith in fools; self-confidence my friends call it.

It’s not cheating unless you get caught.

Quitting smoking is the easiest thing in the world. I’ve done it dozens of times.

I think crime pays. The hours are good, you travel a lot.

I hope life isn’t a joke, because I don’t get it.

There is a light at the end of every tunnel….just pray it’s not a train!.

When I read about the evils of drinking, I gave up reading.

Flying is simple. You just throw yourself at the ground and miss.

Avoid hangovers: stay drunk.

Most people are only alive because it is illegal to shoot them.

Life is a waste of time and time is a waste of life, so waste your time and have the time of your life !

As long as there are tests, there will be prayer in schools.

I’m knot a blonde! I’m knot, I’m knot, I’m knot!

Girls want a lot of things from one guy. Conversely, guys want one thing from a lot of girls.

I’ve got problem for your solution…

Some say the glass is half full, some say the glass is half empty. I say “Are you gonna drink that?”

Your school GPA is inversely proportionate to your girlfriend’s looks and vise versa.

Everyone has a photographic memory… some just don’t have film.

Common sense is the most evenly distributed quantity in the world. Everyone thinks he has enough.

All people have the right to stupidity but some abuse the privilege.

When I was born I was so surprised I didn’t talk for a year and a half.

Do you believe in love at first sight or should I walk by again ?