What should be the problem in my story? Introduction included.?

[reSkylarej]

What should the problem be in this story? Here is what I have so far--It does not have a title right now so i jus call it the untitled

The Untitled

This is not exactly how a story starts but this is my freaking start. My name is Luna Beth. Yeah, of-course I know.My name is freaklishey weird. But to move on I am 15 and very disturbed I would say in my own way. I am 5'5 with long black and white highlighted hair. My natural color was a dirty blonde. But I didn't want to be like the rest of the dumb blondes. I have grey eyes and wear a thick coat of eye liner and pink blush. My eyeshadow always matches my mood. My nails never grow but are often polished black. I wear tight and belly showing shirts. My skirts go to my butt. My skinny's sagg and my shoes are always high tops. I am telling you this because obviously your reading it. This piece of croup story of mine is lucky enough to get published! I ended up the way I am, due to my disturbance of the world. It all started October 31, 1995. The day I was born. People say I was the dark demon scratching it's way out hell. But I figured I was a simple teenage girl that hasn't quite figured herself out yet. But I am starting to believe I am that dark demon. It seems as though everyone I pass treats me like gum underneath their shoe. But I know i'm better than that. Well at least I hope.I'm not sure if the anger inside me has calmed down since the death of my first mom, Laila Beth Smith. Beth was her maiden name but it seems as though I freaking hate the Smith so I decided to go with Beth since i was 10. My mom was something special to me. She seems to be the only person in the world I could trust. She had long blonde hair that was practically glowing every moment of her life. Her eyes were green. She never wore makeup because she never needed it. She had a tanned complexion with freekles on each cheek. Now that shes gone, my dad, Crevan Smith has become a total drunk. He brings one of those trashy women home every night. All he does is get them high and move on to the next one. My life has never been the best. I live in a trashy neighborhood on the wrong side of town. In my school Shetz High there is always something wrong. Yeah, I know who would name a school Shetz? It sounds like-- oh, nevermind you get it. It describes the neighborhood I guess. Everything looks like croup. Like I was saying, I met my hardcore emo boyfriend Raven Jacobs at Shetz High. I just happened to walk by him in the hallway and he suddenly confronted me. He was so easy going. He just went straight to the point and said, "Hey, baby, I think your sexy wanna go out?" I tried to keep my cool and just said what the heck, yeah. He wasn't the hottest of them all. He was 6'0 with black and red spikey hair. He always wore skinny black pants with a metal artist shirt. He wore solid black or red converses every Monday and Wednesday. He had snake bites and his nose and tongue peirced. It was always hard for me to understand him with that thing in his mouth. It always bugged me how he kept it in his mouth when we made out. It was always stabbing the heck out of my throat. But eventually he remembered how much I hated it and took it out for good. As surprising as it sounds I made all A's. I never understood that because I am always skipping class to be with Raven. Raven lived with nobody but his invisible mom who could care less about him. They only talk to each other maybe 3 out of 24 hours. His mom is a very negative person. One day I went over Raven's house and spoke to his mom. I said, "Hello, Mrs.Jacobs." She replied, "Go back to hell you little skank!" But I guess I started to understand why everyone said she killed her husband. Mr.Jacobs died 2 years ago. Rumor is Mrs.Jacobs slit his throat and ate his heart because he said he was filing for divorce. But, thats just a rumor. I never thought to ask Raven how his dad died and he never decided to talk about it.

[bluetigerpaw4]

Woah, woah, woah!

You seemed to have forgotten the saying, "Show, don't tell" - the most important saying to writers. You just completely violated that rule and simply "told." Which, believe me, is immensley boring and incredibly cliche - I didn't get past the third sentence. I would suggest reading some of Ray Bradbury's work - he is an excellent example on the "show, don't tell" phrase and follow his example.

Good luck!

[lilyWhitemmmmm]

The introduction is simply impossible to get past. What kind of person, real or fictional, introduces themselves along with their height? It just goes on and on without really any point.