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This isn't suited to writing in the first person. When you write "I" you only get to tell us about things that "I" can feel or see or hear, or already knows. She can't see veins pulsing out of her...

Funny? Not particularly. I'd lay money there are tens of thousands of bad Twilight slashfics out there already.

I've read a great deal of much better fanfiction than Twilight. I'd go as far as to say I think I've written better fanfiction than Twilight.

I have absolutely no idea how it ever got published....

I've read it, and much enjoyed it. It's slightly dated language-wise, but no more so than 1984.

My monitor predated video screens on the things - but I used to pick up someone else's baby crying on one of the two channels. So we used the other one.

I've always said to my kids that if they scream I will come running. If I come running and there's nothing wrong there will be trouble - for their own safety. So no, I don't go for "scream away"...