Thread: whats the best way to deal with arguing siblings who just do NOT get along?

Here's the problem: My boyfriends daughter came to live with us (myself, him, and his eight year old son) late last year. Her mother basically had a nervous breakdown and what-have you, and she was sort of dumped on us. Sine getting here, she and her half-brother have been arguing, pushing buttons and fighting. It's been nine months now, and it's starting to wear on everyone. We have tried punishing them, we have tried ignoring them, we've tried grounding them. One second they love each other, and the next they're arguing about the color of the sky. We are both at our wits end, and we can't take much more. Does anyone know a good way to get them to come together and get along, or are we just going to have to wait until they grow up and get over it?

I think how you should react depends on how old they are. I am 20 and my sister is 16, and we are all living together for the summer. We go through phases where we get along really well, and other phases where we both drive each other up the wall. At this point, as long as nothing is getting broken, no one is getting hurt, no one else's day is being disrupted, and we aren't abusive in our bickering-- our parents let us handle it on our own. I think younger people would probably have a harder time satisfying those conditions and may need some guidance, perhaps with consequences for deviance, to learn how to handle their disputes appropriately. I think to expect everyone to always get along all the time, especially young people who still have LOTS of maturing to do, is unrealistic. It's not a matter of getting along all the time but enforcing that they settle their disputes in a way that is appropriate.

All that said, I wouldn't pull your hair out about them not getting along. My sister and I seemed to have some years where we seemed to have a lot in common, and some years where we didn't and those years we argued more than the others. It's only natural. Choose and enforce your standard of behavior, and know that eventually they will probably grow out of this altogether and won't need you to force them.

Kids who have not had a stable upbringing often find a way to take out their frustration. They need to have a VERY firm hand to guide them, and while htey will hate your efforts at being firm in the long run it's the best thing for them. You need to tell them that this behaviuor is not appropriate, but then give them alternatives, such as self defence classes to channel frustration. Good luck.

My mom would say she didn't want to listen to us arguing, and we would be sent together to a room to sort things out. We weren't allowed to come out until we were friends. What happened most of the time is within minutes we realized the argument wasn't worth being stuck in a room together and we'd call it a truce. We'd come out and cheezily hug each other in front of my mom, and it was all good. They will learn that they can't disturb the peace of the home, and hopefully the petty arguments will cease. Sometimes, kids will argue just to get the parents' attention. So, sending them to a room because you don't want to listen will remove their motive for arguing in the first place. The trick is to send them to a room calmly and matter-of-factly, without yelling or overreacting. "I don't want to hear this, I'm eating my breakfast. You two go into the office/den/wherever and figure this out. You may join me again when you're friends." Just like that.

Also, it would help if you had family activities where they are bonding and they are also getting attention from their parents. It's also wise to have one-on-one time with a parent and one child on a regular basis, whether it's going out somewhere or doing the dishes together. I'm always reading in parenting books that sibling rivalry stems from an inadequate amount of attention from the parents, which results in jealousy between siblings. Good luck, I hope you find a good answer!

Funny, but it might take a crisis to bring them together. Something that takes the focus off their problems and puts it on a mutual situation will cause them to come together. It can be positive, like a trip, a shared goal, a new way of doing things.

Sibling rivalry is one thing. Arguing or fighting are not acceptable. My mom didn't tolerate it. She'd step in and settle things. If any of us cried about the outcome she threatened - and followed through a few times - to give us something to really cry about.