Thread: Venting...but feel free to give advice?

So, I have a fiancee, and she has a son from a previous marriage. Ok fine....no big deal, i can make it work. Right? Wrong. I knew coming into this relationship that her son was number one, always...fine with me. But i thought that shed atleast make an effort to spend time with me, maybe call a sitter? Well she hasnt. Ok, thats fine with me too. I can spend time with her when he goes to bed...right? Wrong again. He needs her to sleep with him every single night. Either she goes into his room and sleeps in there with him, or they sleep in our bed and i sleep in the basement. When he was 2 it didnt happen that much, so I let it go because, well hey, he was 2. when he turned 3, it started happening pretty mch every night, and i was kinda like...well he's 3, this cant go on forever. But now hes 4. And still, every night, she falls alseep in his bed, or i sleep in the mancave. And im getting pretty sick of it. We havent has sex in more than 2 months. And she gets mad at me that we dont spend any time together...she gets mad that i take one night out of the week to do paperwork for my job, and maybe work late one night. I wish she would open her eyes and realize that, no, its not my fault, its that u havent grown a backbone and put your son to bed, get mean if u have to. But she comes up with the same excuse....ive tried. Of course he isnt gonna be able to goto bed himself after a day, u need to keep at it, but she doesnt want to take the time to do it. So everynight out relationship suffers because she doesnt want to deal with him crying. What do i do? I hate sleeping alone, i hate sleeping without her. And not only does he need her to fall asleep everynight, when he finally falls asleep, its like 11 11:30...every night!!! So even if she didnt fall asleep and she comes into the room with me, its already too late for us to spend time together, its time to go to bed. Its killing our relationship. And here i am, venting online..cuz i dont have the balls to say any of this to her because its about her son. And i feel its not right and not my place to say anything about him because i feel shell always take his side and ill always be wrong. And im afraid itll seem like im complaining about him. But really im just upset we dont spend anytime together. Im upset for getting blamed for it, and im upset that she doesnt open her eyes. I cant stand not having any time with her. What do i do?

Wow....this is hard. On the one hand, as a mother myself I know that children *can* go through rough sleep times, and naturally your child has to come first.
On the other hand, from what you've written, your fiancee needs to get her son into a routine and make time for you guys. It's not healthy for a child to be up that late, and it's definitely not healthy for a child that age to be roaming the house so late and always having to sleep with his mum.

I might be way off base here...but how is your sex life? I'm wondering if she's using this to avoid intimacy, or maybe she feels a misguided sense of guilt towards her son, like's she's neglecting him somehow by forming a relationship with you.

You really need to talk to her about this. If she refuses to change anything and can't compromise, looks like it's going to be a deal breaker, because honestly your relationship will suffer so much if you can't get any time alone.

break up with her I think it best thing for the 2 of you if you can tell the person you love what wrong in relationship then you two will never get any where how you suppose fix your problems silent isn't always golden speak up are thing will never change

Oh this is easy.

You need to sit down with her and make it clear this is the last time you'll mention it.

She needs to start putting the boy to bed in his own bed alone.

Then mention to her that you married her, and provide, and do everything you can to make her happy (I assume you do), and if that isn't enough then you don't know what is.

Finally, remind her that at this stage, the law of diminishing returns says that you have expended the most amount of time, effort, resources and energy on an ungrateful woman who, by all accounts, should be happy to spend time with you -- but instead relinquishes you to sleep alone, in a sexless and seemingly loveless marriage.

And because of the foregoing, if she doesn't figure out a way to get her son to sleep in his own room, at night, all by himself, and spend more time with you -- you're going to go out and find someone else.

And if she scoffs, remind her that there are plenty of unmarried or divorced women out there with children, just like her, who will date a man even if he's married.

Oh and BTW, when you do date a single mom, don't marry her. Keep her strung out as much as possible until she's made it clear that if you marry her, she will not put you at the bottom of the to-do list next to putting out the trash.

Wake up buddy, your the bacon she brought home, that's it, if she loved you she would make the time for you and make the break from the kid.

Everyone knows the longer you allow a child to sleep with you the longer it takes to break the child sounds like the child will we awake all night sleeping days for at least 3 days at this point.

I'd leave her and not return till Jr is sleeping alone in his own bed.

Your relationship has been dead for years, but if she realizes what she had with you with you gone, she might realize that she cares enough to work on her son, and being a proper wife to you, if not sorry buddy, but in time you can find someone that really loves you for you.

She ONLY your fiance ---------move on!
re: I knew coming into this relationship that her son was number one
>> Kids are #1 but in BALANCE! What you describe is actually abusive to the kid. The kid is NOT being given an adequate, normal upbringing. He is NOT being taught to be responsible for his own behaviors and needs. She is making him a Codependent Victim whereas he needs to be trained to be Independent or Interdependent and have his own life - not be an appendage to his parent. If you are there, you are part of the problem and not helping or protecting that child from VERY damaging parenting.
You both need to go to some parenting classes and learn how to give this kid the kind of healthy parenting he IS NOT GETTING NOW. You are both wrecking this kid!

re: And here i am, venting online..cuz i dont have the balls to say any of this to her because its about her son. And i feel its not right and not my place to say anything about him because i feel shell always take his side and ill always be wrong.
>> THIS IS NOT ABOUT HER SON! This is all about very bad parenting and you are a part of that! Her son is an innocent, defenseless VICTIM here! A VICTIM of extremely ignorant & damaging parenting!!!!!!!

This is a delicate matter--even if you do manage to convince her to train her son to sleep in his own bed, beware of the resentment bug. Have you guys tried carrrying him to his own bed after he falls asleep? Footnote: a child past the age of three sleeping all night with a parent isn't exactly healthy.
It will be a fight for awhile, but you'll win more brownie points by working with your girlfriend on this issue instead of against her. Sorry you're having this problem.

Tell her that you understand that she has a son, but you are her future husband too. If she is not willing to work things out with you and compromise (be willing to meet her half way) tell her then it's over because you can't live like this. Sorry, you're not married yet and even though you two are engaged, you are still "scoping each other out," as possible marriage potential.

your write, she's wrong...tell her your going to get yourself a sex buddy if she dont straigten up.


<---------sex buddy for hire!