Thread: My husband and I get NO WHERE when we discuss or argue about things!?!?

I feel so emotionally drained. He says I don't really listen to him when he talks, I say he talks to me like I am a child. I mean... it NEVER STOPS! Actually, that's not true... we only disagree once in a while BECAUSE I just ignore the crap that bothers me and move past it. When we do get into a discussion... all the crap comes up from the last discussion when we resolved nothing!

It is so frustrating. We don't scream, we don't yell, we don't throw things, or beat each other up. We just don't resolve anything. What in the heck can I do? I find myself feeling bitter and detached from him... just waiting for a straw to break the camels back.

I know... marriage counseling... we have gone but don't have the health coverage for it or money right now. Any personal words of wisdom OR a technique or book that you may have success with?
I am not looking for a divorce, not interested at all. I want to know how to work through this, to become better communicators where we BOTH are heard. He'll sit and talk no problem... it's just that we don't get anywhere!!!

Prayer can work miracles.Pray for him.Don't argue or listen to groaning.Simply say you need a time out and go off in a room alone and either write or tell God how you are feeling and then pray For him because you Love him and also for yourself to be able to handle things better with him.Then get quiet and listen to your heart.Be still and listen.If you were to make this a habit;believing in the goodness of God to see him work on your behalf;change will come for both of you.....

It takes 2 to have an argument or quarrel or fight. If you for the sake of peace decided within yourself you would not argue then there will be no way he will argue with himself. For the sake of peace attimes you let the other person have his or her way, not because what they are saying is right or makes sense to you, because all you can change and have direct control of is you. trying to correct or change someoneelse might or might not work. Good luck.

I had an argument with my partner, and we started raising our voices and got pretty frustrated.

So, I stopped got out a piece of paper and wrote to her and asked her some questions. a few examples, "what are you afraid of?", "how would you like this to change?". we kept writing to each other on this piece of paper until we had resolved the arguement. its amazing how calming down could do to a heated arguement.

try it out and good luck

The most difficult things in resolving conflict is not be able to listen to what the other person is saying. In other words, what comes out of ones mouth is taken in as a total different way than what was meant to be said. Just know this, behind anger is usually fear. If you can sit and listen to what your husband says to you and listen to the fear behind his words you may be surprised at what comes up during this translation. Even a person that tries to control the other has fear as a motivation behind it. You may want to use a different attitude with your husband. Try and see which attitude works best to get his attention and to soften his stand point. The goal on resolving conflict should not be to win, it should be to compromise, to have both parties come off feeling understood and validated. Otherwise, if one wins and the other is left feeling misunderstood then pretty soon resentment and distance sets in and the marriage is doomed. So obviously if one wins and the other loses over conflict then the results is that you both lose. Aim at both of you to win. Good luck to you!

Hi. It's important to talk & listen about the crap because the crap either bothers him or you. Next time you to should write down everything including the crap that each of you wants to discuss. Have a timer set for 10 minutes a turn. When timer goes off it is the next persons turn. Agree to discuss further the next day if not finished. Cross off anything that was discussed and agree not to bring up since it is now crossed off of list. Goodluck & Peace

Try n be patient, just listen to his point of views n refrain from giving your views...keep your views for people who could appreciate you. Your husband behaves like a critical parent, advise him to tone down, tell him it's not loving or sexy at all talking to you like a child.
You are not in the army, don't need someone to instruct you or shout orders...even silence is deadly so he feels your ignoring him as rejection. Perhaps give some support like a gentle smile etc.
He is your husband n he needs your love. He maybe a poor communicator but most couples learn to find ways to compromise. Play some soft music in background n fix him a glass to wine...

To turn this around, you either get a divorce or you submit. Once you submit, you can work on turning him around, but it has gone too far, for whatever reason to save it, without surrendering.

I recommend - The Surrendered Wife : A Practical Guide to Finding Intimacy, Passion, and Peace with Your Man (Paperback). You can get it from Amazon. You can tell him you are following it and implementing it. It will be scary for him and you. But you will get a second chance from which you can re-negotiate the marriage. Surrendering is the only way you will acquire the power in the relationship to win ultimately. It may be that you enjoy it. But even Lenin re-introduced capitalism when it was the only way out. You are there.

Sadly, otherwise you are going to divorce.

You argue with your husband because your husband can't see the real truth of anything.
Your husband is the problem.
Your husband argues with you because you can't see the the real truth of anything.
YOU are the problem.
Gee - how does this work anyway?

It works/doesn't work because you are both so selfish and stubborn that you demand your own way in the things that bother you. If he wasn't there, there would be nothing to argue about. If you weren't there, there would be nothing to argue about.

And if you can't come to a resolution about issues, those issues will lie there and stagnate waiting to come right back up again. This has nothing to do with counseling. it has to do with each of you SUBMITTING to the other out of righteousness and love for one another.

You see everything in "pink" and your husband sees everything in "blue". You will never see each other's perspective because you are from different planets ! (Men are from Mars - Women are from Venus; John Grey) And you hear in pink - he hears in blue. (Love and Respect ; E. Eggerichs)
Your love language is different from his so you can't see the forest for the trees. (The Five Love Languages ; Gary Chapman) He is the man designed to be and do certain things in this life (Wild at Heart ; John Eldredge) as you are the woman designed to be and do certain things in this life (Captivating ; Stasi Eldredge). Until you come to embrace those differences, support and nurture each other in those differences, all you're going to have is a battle.
Marriage is not so much about love as it is about forgiving one another when they "sin" against you. (Love, Honor and Forgive; Pam Farrel)
You argue because you can't establish correct boundaries for proper behavior in your marriage (Boundaries ; Cloud / Townsend) and you demand your positional rights in all things! You need to come to a decision about what to do TOGETHER or not do it all. (marriagebuilders.com : find The Policy on Joint Agreement.) He has certain needs as you have certain and DIFFERENT needs. (His Needs - Her Needs ; Willard Harley)

And the list goes on and on and on.................

Just sit him down and try to talk. If he refuses, let him know that it means a lot to you. If he still refuses then you should probably discuss divorce with him. In a marriage as I'm sure you know, communication is a huge factor. If you two can't communicate, then it's not going to work unless you guys are just completely miserable.