Ok so let me start from the beginning...

The past year has really sucked for me. I dropped-out (withdrew, but it's the same thing,right?) of college (in a different state) because I lost my financial assistance. Well that made me depressed because I was the first in the family to even get into college(not that I really wanted to go in the first place).... My dad had such high expectations and I was the daughter he could boast to other family members about. I guess like most parents I never heard the end of the "go to college it's good for you" speech. So I went b/c I was told too, believing myself it was what I genuinely wanted.... Well I fucked that up, racked up a huge debt and financially sunk me and my dad. I took a crappy job at a fastfood restaurant and got hit by a car while on my bike (the year before got into a car accident and I wasn't even the one driving). I tried to stay positive, but unfortunatly I knew some positive-energy vampires. I was told I was stupid, I should just go die, and by people I thought were my friends. They told me they "were doing it for my benefit" to "toughen me up" b/c I'm too nice, I smile to much, I look at the positive things in life (to a fault, I know) but it's my way of coping with this shit filled twisted and despair wracked world. What's wrong with that? I think being positive it a strong thing to do. So what if I'm open minded? So what if I'm a little more emotional then your cold calculating view points find? I guess it's easier to say this online b/c I don't often talk to other people ... heck, my contacts in my phone only consist of 8 people, 6 of whom are family and the other 2 are loan contacts. So I went back home feeling like crap, hoping atleast my dad would be on my side. I asked him not to say I told you so, guess what? I get the "I told you so speech" but not before I get hit across the face, then the belittlement commences(and we hadn't even pulled out of the airport). Wow ... I came back to get away from all that hate and the depression I was feeling, to what? The same exact shit but oh! Atleast I don't have to pay rent for it. It's no wonder I upped and trashed the room out of anger. All I hear in this house is "you will do as I say" (literally he says that) "you were born to do what I say" "You'll never amount to anything, you're just wasting everybody's time". I've considered suicide, but I don't want to give the people I knew in college the satisfaction. So I've decided to just grow up and stop believing that I'll find something better, find a passion in life(b/c I don't have one yet). Stop talking so I don't appear stupid, stop voicing my thoughts so I don't appear arrogant or incompetent. Heck, I've even decided to stop smiling and laughing so I can be taken seriously. No one gives a shit. Literally, no one. Everyone else has problems, why should they spare some time to help a person up? (I know the only reason anyone is reading this is because they A) are just wasting time perusing the interwebs or B)believing they have concern for another human being just to make themselves feel better) I'm going to be a grump. The grumpiest sour sarcastic filled hate drenched person I can be. I just wanted to put that out there on the web b/c I don't have anyone to tell this too. Part of me hopes this is a therapeutic way to return to my go happy positive attitude, but I highly doubt that .... So there. I'm done. Phew