Thread: Help with my mother, we argue entirely too much!?

I am a 17 year old female, and my mother is 43 years old. She enjoys watching tv, reading books, and spending most of her available time with her husband. Which is perfectly okay, yes.

The problem is:

when it's just her and me she's always reading, watching tv, or doing her college homework online. I know that she's busy, but sometimes I just want to talk to her so I'll go to the same room to watch her and see when she doesn't seem AS busy. I'll bring up a question like "I'm going to try and start losing weight mom, what do you think?" and she'll always. A.L.W.A.Y.S. say "mmmhmm" then I'll say something along the lines "But what do you think, do you have any ideas?" and she just starts yelling at me at the top of her lungs. I have no idea what to do. I love my mom and I just want to talk to her sometimes....

When I was in high school before I graduated, (May of 2010) Most of my teachers would consider me a great kid. I did my homework, I only drove to school, and to home. I never went anywhere. My friends were only allowed to stay the night once at a time, not two nights, and not two friends in one night. I don't drink, smoke, or do any kind of drugs. I stay at home and I play my guitar, do the dishes, and eat supper with my family... Simple, right? I wasn't even involved in any school activities what so ever. NOTHING. I didn't even go to church... I didn't go out to the movies... I stayed home....

My mom on the other hand jokingly says I'm rowdy. But I think it's only because she's lost her patients with me. I even tell her that I think she needs to work on her patients with me and she starts yelling "I'm 43 years old, all my kids are grown up and graduated, I've dealt with everything, I have patients!" Then I'd say something like "Well you were more patients with my other siblings.. Why can't you be with me?" When I say something like that, she'll bring up how much better my other siblings are... and it really hurts me. My mom is a great person she really is, I'm not writing this to make her sound like she's insane or anything....

I just need help. Advice. I love my mom, but when it's just her and me (because her husband always goes to work for weeks at a time, and when he calls her, he is EVERYTHING in the world to her, and it's like I'm nothing) She has told me in the past that her husband is her top priority... and that I'm just a guest.

I even went to the measures of skipping my 11th grade year in high school, I graduated at the age of 16 just to show my mom that I can do something and I'm smart.. just like her other kids... but the other day she started yelling at me because she was trying to help me make a resume because I can't find a job and she asked me if I knew how to use adobe and I said no. She kept calling me stupid and that I need to go back to high school because me skipping a year obviously didn't help....

And now that I have graduated.. My mom and her husband (my step dad if you haven't guessed) expect me to support myself. And thats fine because I do need to learn responsibility... But today I was talking to my mom and I said.. "I have no idea what I should wear tomorrow when we go to the temp office" and she said "obviously not your pants with holes" and I said "I don't have anything else that will fit me besides those" and she just said "Well good luck".

My mom and I were separated when I was 2 years old. My biological father had legal rights to me and my siblings so my mother couldn't see us but once in a while (and it was only because she didn't have a stable house of her own, which is why my dad had legal rights... But thats only because he kicked her out of their house they bought together) I never got to know my mom until I turned 8 years old. She used to be the worlds best mom... and now it's like she can't stand to be around me, but at the same time, she absolutely loves me.

Advice?
I don't try to take all of my moms time to myself. How can I do that when I haven't even been with her my entire life? And when I am, she pushes me aside. What I want is for my mom to be patient with me. How can I help her do that? If she would just do that, I know that we would get along great. I wrote what I wrote to show you examples of how she can be... but I didn't write it to make her sound like the worst person alive. I love my mother, she's why I'm here. I just wish she'd want to spend time with ME like she does with every one else. I'm the last person who she'd want to spend a day with if it came down to it. And I am here, asking for advice on HOW to change that.
I know that if I wrote my feelings out to others, it wouldn't come out perfect. I know that my relationship sometimes sounds crazy too. But if you could just be in my shoes at times. I get mixed emotions from her a lot. And any time I try to bother her, talk to her, ANYTHING... It's always a "Bad time". If I asked when she was washing dishes she would say "I don't know, I'm washing dishes" I can't get through to her inner core. It's like she blocks me from it, as if she blames ME for our separation when I was little. I don't know... I just know that the writing her a letter idea was really good... I like that one.
The only person who my mom wants to talk to, is her husband. He is the only person on this world who she listens to. She doesn't listen to me.. simply because this is how she thinks. I'm the child. She's the parent. The. End. There are never any good times to communicate with her. Even when we're just driving, or she's just smoking outside and staring off.... I always get cut off from her. And to her, no matter how I talk, I always have an attitude... and she always always yells. And I calmly ask her to please not yell, we're in the same room, I can hear you perfectly. Does it help? nope.
I want to go out to the movies, stay out late, get into trouble... But if I want to do that, I'm supposed to pay for it myself. Which is right, I should. But at the moment I don't have a job (even though I've applied everywhere....) and no one is hiring... at all. Like, dead serious. So because my wallet is normally empty,and because the rule was. My parents provide me a vehicle to go to school and home only. Not to go out with friends. If I want to go out, I have to buy the truck from them and pay for the gas, insurance, the movie ticket, or the dinnner. (and yes, I understand that guys normally pay for this if it's a "date" but I am in a relationship with a guy from canada... and when he IS here, we DO go out... but hes not here at the moment)
Bethany: I see your point, I can't make everyone like me... I know that in my moms heart she loves me. I do agree that maybe she just doesn't like to be around me... I might bring up her past with my dad, and how I got separated from her, I'm not sure. But I understand when you say that your only responding how you read it... and I am very thankful for your answers, as well as EVERYONE else who commented on my question. Especially since it looks like a freaking book
I used to think my step dad is amazing, and I still do. He helped my mom and I when we had no where to go, and he built us a beautiful house where we can all live together in. My parents think they are "old" and when he is home, they are always watching tv in the living room, all day... everyday. We don't spend time together, we don't play board games, they don't ask me how my day was... I walk in the house, say hi, (they turn up the tv) and I go to my room, I stay there until mom says (time for supper) then I eat, do dishes, and return to my room. I want family time with them so badly. I ask them all the time if we can play games together, but they are busy watching a new tv show. I guess my only way out is to move out and be on my own with people who DO want to be around me as you said.

Theses kinds of things are completely normal for families to argue over stupid things... The cause of this is because you are spending TOO MUCH time with her. Try getting out the house more going places doing things. We all need our personal space that will cut back on a lot of the feuds. Plus you are young you should enjoy your life a little more.Or in the long run you will be miserable I know that you love your mother I argue with my parents and grandmother and I am 23 but its a normal thing in fact it is quite health to tell your mom how you feel have you tried that? To do that correctly... Wait until she is completely not busy and when you have time to express your self in a peaceful manner then ease your way to the facts of how she make you feel this will build up good communication skills. You should talk to her in a calm voice. Try to pick words that will not make her angry...

I have tried this with my family and it works 90% of the time communication is the only way to get most of theses feelings off your chest. But if you try this on an older over 60. 70% of the time it will not work because that person is stuck in their way. So you will have to be the mature one and change for that person if they are over 60 I mean.

Always remember that your mother LOVES YOU she just wants the best for you and pushes you to do right and so sometimes that might be the reason for some of her actions towards you because you mentioned that you graduated early congrats! Maybe that is what she wanted...

hope that helps!

When answering a question like this, we often worry that only one side of things is being presented. Saying that mom has lost her patience with you, means that mom HAD patience in the past, but does not NOW? What happened? I read a previous question you posted, wherein you talk about marriage plans you are making with a guy who you only met 3 times?! The question says your parents are on-board with it, but truthfully...how long and how often did mom try to persuade you that meeting a guy 3 times is no sane reason to get engaged! Could it be that she has become exasperated with you...knowing that when you ask her an opinion, she knows you won't hear it anyway? It could be why mom now tunes you out. However, just in case mom did not stress this enough, I will do it now....don't jump hastily into marriage, Nikki! It is hard work, and not an easy answer for life's problems. (Remember what mom said to you when you confessed knowing nada about Adobe? This is irrelevant to the subject of marriage, of course, but maybe mom was using it as an opportunity to make a point with you...you are young and still have a lot to learn!)

You said that she is taking college courses, maybe that is what is stressing her. She was probably immersed in her own thoughts while doing her work and got mad because you were interrupting her. At a time when she doesn't seem busy or has her undivided attention on something, like when she is washing the dishes, is when you need to strike up a conversation, not when she is busy with something

( By the way you spelled patience wrong. This is the right way to spell it )