i realize this isn't really a question, but rather somewhat of a therapeuticc release for me. if you feel the urge to respond or even read the whole thing feel free, but i expect nothing.

what are my ambitions in life? do i want to become a successful adult, making oodles of money at a job that i absolutely, fully enjoy? yes. do i want to not be slave to salary and truly find and accept myself for who i am without the influences of modern society molding me? yes. do i want to find a good guy who is "man-thick," not fat but "man-thick" who i can fall completely in love with and start a beautiful family and have little boys that i can teach how to be excellent basketball players? yes. do i want to break away from the evil curse of laziness that i suffer from and do something amazing with my life, create memories, have something to look back on and be proud of? yes. do i want to make something more of my existence and not be one of those persons that i always despised who looks back at high school as the glory days? yes. i want to do all these things, but how will i ever accomplish this? these goals are so lofty and seemingly unreachable. how will i find that perfect man who will accept me and love me? how do i make all the easy money fast so that i can travel and enjoy it now, when i am young? i have no idea. its apparent that there can be small steps made that will lead me in the direction that i want to go, but am i even sure of the direction that i want to follow? not at all. i simply want life to feel like it can be something more that just 80 years of merely existing and having really no significant impact on the world around me. i have completely no idea how to satisfy this never-ending urge i have. to create, to change, to learn, to be. do others suffer this ailment or am i in the minority. i understand that this stage in my life is the appropriate time to be thinking about these things and to be ultimately and utterly confused. i am not a patient person. i want life to be figured out for me now. i feel as if there isn't enough time to get anything done and therefore nothing gets done. i hear stories and watch movies of people who have had numerous life experiences, have lived in several states, have found there way and reached the destination. they have worked in the fertile fields plowing hay, they have taken crazy, spontaneous road trips across the country, they have lived with the longhorns in texas, they have spent months backpacking across a foreign land. i want to be one of those. i want to just pick up and go. meet someone new. make lasting friends. move to india. but this will inevitably never happen. i am not brave enough to leave the comfort of my life now. i mean, i have liked the same guy since the third grade and have done nothing about it. what does that say about me? i went to college after high school and i couldn't even survive a year in a city, not even a big city, just an average, small city. i made no friends. i had to lie to everyone because that is not supposed to be me. i am supposed to be the one that can jump right in and get along with people and continue to flourish and succeed. but people don't understand who i really am. i am a dancing queen, an all-star basketball player, a brain, polite. but what else do people see in me. at first glance they are hesitant. is he... no wait she! but why? lesbian? no, i am not a lesbian. i suppose it is the true reflection of who i am. a chicken. lots of girls go through the tomboy stage, most grow out of it. but i was too afraid to change. afraid of what others would think or would say. i was good at hanging with the boys, playing football, and i liked doing those things, but i also like girl talk and gossiping. i even feel embarrassed to have written that because the reputation i currently uphold does not portray that. but because of the other half of me, girls typically don't let me into that circle. sure, i have some really great friends on the basketball team who have really accepted me and invited me in, and i am extremely grateful and love to hang out with them, but where will they be in two years? it feels good to get this out.