Like a bucket full of ice water dumped upon your slumbering form by a boss who doesn't appreciate how hard it is to get going on a Monday morning, the weekend box office numbers:
1. Fantastic Four: Rise of the Silver Surfer--$57.4 million
Many high-level executives at Fox were quietly worried that the two-year delay between releases in their Fantastic Four franchise might be too long to retain the loyalty of the attention-impaired teen audience that delivered the first FF installment to a surprising number one opening back in July 2005.
As it turns out, the studio's fears were misguided: thanks to a specific kind of brain defect produced by a variety of inhalants huffed by the mall-haunting youngsters (cans of Mango Fantasy Glade, Extra Creamy Reddi-Wip, the odd Sharpie) before their original Fantastic Four ticket purchase, these demographically coveted moviegoers had been bonded permanently to Mr. Fantastic, Invisible Girl and company, becoming a legion of lifelong fans unable to form new attachments to other poorly executed superhero properties. Still, Fox shouldn't take their loyalty for granted, and should immediately organize "thank you" events all of the country generously stocked with cans of Krylon Metallic Silver spray paint that might temporarily activate the parts of their cortex responsible for recognizing the soon-to-be spun-off Surfer character.
2. Ocean's 13--$19.105 million
[SPOILER ALERT] Often overlooked Ocean's crew member Don Cheadle's Cockney accent is marginally less ridiculous than it was during previous capers.
3. Knocked Up--$14.535 million
Judd Apatow Comedy Monopoly Countdown: only two months until the release of Superbad.
4. Pirates of the Caribbean: At World's End--$18 million
A number to choke on: $273,757,000, the current Pirates 3 domestic gross.
7. Nancy Drew--.135 million

Burgeoning, marketably wholesome teen star Emma Roberts will wake up to discover an empty basket on her doorstep with a handwritten note reading, "I'll send the muffins and cookies when you open a movie over $10 million and stop disgracing the family name. Love, Aunt Julia. PS--Better luck next time! XOX"