The United States has elected Donald Trump, a 70-year-old tangerine Superfund site and a menace to the peace, stability, and dignity of the country and the future of the free world, as its Commander in Chief. His stunning upset victory came early Wednesday morning, when the Associated Press called the election, almost exactly a month after a leaked tape from 2005 revealed him bragging about grabbing women by the pussy. CNN and NBC are both reporting that Clinton has conceded.

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