Okay so sorry to anyone who's had to rad my previous comedy scripts but I got a new one and I genuinly believe in this one, okay here goes;

Hey, y’alright?
One of the hardest things about writing a comedy script is how to start it off and I was talking my Nan about it and she actually suggested that I watch other comedians and use their techniques, which is all very well but I’m pretty sure that’s theft.
And then of course people tell me that the success to being a stand up comic is all in the delivery, which if it’s true is good for me cos I’ve had a paper round for about 4 years now so yeah, I’m pretty good when it comes to delivery.
Another difficult thing about being a stand up comic is obviously the nerves a lot of people drink to calm their nerves down or smoke, obviously I can’t do any of that cos I’m underage so I’ll just have to deal with deep breathes.
To be honest deep breathes are so terrible for calming you down, I reckon a white crayon or a football racket would be more useful.
I’ve gotta admit though now I do have butterflies in my stomach I am really nervous.
I’m not normally a shy person y’know but a sea of faces depending on me to make them laugh gives me that horrible feeling, you know when you’re trying on a new pair of jeans on something in a changing room in a shop and you think there’s someone just stood outside your door trying to peek in.
I dunno, that might just be me, but yeah that’s what I feel like right now.
Y’know, I’ve always wonder what butterflies get in their stomach when they get worried.
When the baby butterflies start their first day at butterfly school they can’t say, ‘oh I’ve got butterflies in my stomach’ can they?
I mean first of all that would mean reception butterflies were getting pregnant including the males and that’s just wrong on so many levels. I can just imagine that, moth slags, ‘givvus ya foundation or I’ll slap ya little butterfly face with my wing.
So yeah, and then of course second of all, butterflies can’t talk, well they can in my world but I’m a freak so y’know.
But yeah, I do like nature though, and animals and stuff, there’s a lot of hedgehogs and stuff in my garden and I’m thinking of just devoting a corner of my garden to make a mosh pit, or a moth pit if you like.
Just a load of frogs having a rave to some chivvy techno music with little flashing lights and white gloves and stuff. I can just imagine a little common shrew walking around dealing meow meow, then that’d attract the cats and they’d crash the party and that’d be the end of that and then in 15 years time when I move house someone’s gonna find a little dead frog at the far end of the garden covered in old soil wearing a little white froggy glove off his head on E.
I’m actually planning on replacing all the boring old grass and patio and concrete slabs in my back garden for an enormous trampoline as the whole garden floor, aah it’s gonna be incredible.
I’ll get up on a morning the birds will be singing and I’ll just bounce to the shops to get a newspaper and a Twix.
When I’m hanging my washing out I’ll be jumping and bouncing around the garden ‘KEEP STILL’.
Next door will just see a big tuft of hair on the top of my head bobbing up and down ever 3 seconds at the other side of the fence like some fat kid sat on his Dad’s shoulders at the back of the crowd on bonfire night trying to see all the fireworks go off so he can catch the ashes and put them on his burger so he thinks it’s been barbequed so he won’t get arrested by the unhealthy police.
It doesn’t sound like much of a punch line but imagine it you walk in the unhealthy police station, there’s little stools made of blocks of stilton and a table with fried chips for legs then on your left there’s the waiting area and there’s a woman sitting there typing away at her office, you can just faintly see her head through the window, which is made of cling film by the way and she’s got curly fries for hair like some sort of grease perm.

Yeah that’s what happened.
Anyway back to the subject of fireworks I actually saw two guys the other day down by the canal, one of them was drinking battery acid and the other was eating fireworks.
I decided to charge one and let the other off.
Well I think that’s my time just about up but before I go I’d just like to say thanks cos you’ve been beautiful, like an enormous ice sculpture in the shape of a North American cactus dancing with a Lego submarine wearing plasticine hats and throwing flip flops at each other and using big golden spoons for catapults to fire their little see through rocks at the back of people’s head.
I know it doesn’t sound like much to you but to me that’s pretty much heaven in a nut shell.
Cheers, you’ve been lovely, thank you, good bye!

If you actually bothered reading this then thankyou so much and I hope you enjoyed it, please tell me if I could have potential to possibly make it big one day, after all I'm only 14 now, thanks, bye!