Chris K

Two fish swim into a concrete wall.

One turns to the other and says "dam"



Two peanuts walk into a bar

One was asalted.



A jump-lead walks into a bar.

The barman says "I'll serve you, but don't start anything."



A sandwich walks into a bar.

The barman says, "Sorry we don't serve food in here."



A dyslexic man walks into a bra.




A man walks into a bar with a slab of tarmac under his arm and
says:

"A beer please, and one for the road."



Two aerials meet on a roof, fall in love get married.

The ceremony wasn't much but the reception was brilliant.




Two cannibals are eating a clown.

One says to the other: "Does this taste funny to you?"



"Doc, I can't stop singing 'The green, green grass of home'."

"That sounds like Tom Jones syndrome."

"Is it common?"

"It's not unusual."



Two cows standing next to each other in a field, Daisy says to
Dolly

"I was artificially inseminated this morning."

"I don't believe you," said Dolly.

"It's true, no bull!"




A man takes his Rottweiler to the vet and says,

"My dog's cross-eyed, is there anything you can do for him? "

"Well," says the vet, "let's have a look at him"

So he picks the dog up and examines his eyes, then checks his
teeth.

Finally, he says "I'm going to have to put him down."

"What? Because he's cross-eyed?"

"No, because he's really heavy"


I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but I
couldn't find any.



I went to the butchers the other day and I bet him 50 quid
that he couldn't reach the meat off the top shelf.

And he said, 'no, the steaks are too high.'



My friend drowned in a bowl of muesli.

He was pulled in by a strong currant.


Our ice cream man was found lying on the floor of his van

covered with nuts & hundreds and thousands.

Police say that he topped himself.