i can change mood from tierd, hyper, angry, sad like alot in just a day.

all this week ive just had people moaning at me about school and at home, my mum even told me im not cut out for sixth form or university because i cant concentrate well in class and fall asleep. i want to do well and that but i just cant push my myself it just clogs my head up and it like it out of my control.

i seem to always be trying to look deeper into everything like sometimes i sit there thinking like well who deicded this? and how do we really know this?.stupid but yh.i dont understand the fact that i think im stupid and i cant do anything right and yet i belive that im so much smarter than everyone else like certain things in the world are just making them so much more stupid.

sometimes its like im watching someone else live my life, im here but it dont feel like anything im actually doing is real, more like a weird movie. sounds odd i know.

today i was talking to friends and saying how some peoplei care about and others i dont give two sh*ts bout and i wouldnt care if they lived or died. and i said that some people say they would jump infront of a bus to save the person they loved but i think to myself, id rather it them than me...after all i have a futre and that to live and they lived a longer life than me so it wouldnt be as tragic for an older person to die.

my friend in return said that i do this because i dont trust people i guess osme element there is true, even my best friends i think they might ***** about me behind my back, i always think someone is talking about me or laughing at me or plotting against me, sometimes i dont know if what i feel is real or if it is something i have told myself to feel. like all my opinions i have of people or just places around us, are they MY genuine thoughts, or is it stuff i have been spoon fed and influenced by everyone around me, so nothing i belive is my own but only what others have tought me?

sometimes i have thoughts like i imagine disasters, people dying, me dying, or me taking other peoples lives, no idea why but i have done it since i was about 8years old. i talk about it to people like its one big joke but it bothers me.
sometimes i can get depressed for a couple of weeks to a couple of months and then ill be all fine again. the only med problem i have is adhd.