because i sit here tonight and honestly feel people have abandoned me and moved on in life without me..

i browse myspace , see people happy in the company of loved ones.....without the shadow of lifes hell on their faces.....young fresh faced...chirpy...faces with wide grins...

then i compare this with my circumstances : 30 years old - lived alone for 3 years -- endured a tortorous life-- never built up any relationships with anyone ever...................never been employed.......never got any qualifications.....suffer with borderline personality and post traumatic stress...

have a criminal record going back 8 years ago......a long mental health record....suffer with severe low self esteem.......i fear rejection.....so im to afraid to reach out to people or respond to emails.......i act clingy...desperate....which puts people off me..

lonely, isolated in a small 1 bedroom flat on sickness pay....own nothing except a computer.

suffered mental abuse, physical bullying all my life.
have physical problems : torn ligaments in my ankle : urology problems.

i feel like invisable to everyone...like no one cares......my family let me down in life - except my mum.....so i dont talk to them anymore....they always blamed me for the problems happened to me in my life.

i have no one to turn to........the handful of internet friends i dont hear from anymore...seemed to have lost interest.......or maybethey learnt all about me and were put off......either way no one contacts me anymore..

everybody throughout my life has always seemed to let me down......never had anything good or nice.

im disadvantaged in life....starting at late stages.........my goals are a good paying job...a loving partner and to move abroad from the uk.

but in my situation that will be hard to accomplish..
meanwhile everybody seemed to have abandoned me.......im jealous of happy people.......and im scared to try anything, do a course.....go to study, incase people reject me.........

people have been distant, cold and aloof with me for a long time.

what the hell am i going to do ?