I don't know why I do this: I seem to dwell on a part of my life that actually went particularly well. Then I compare it to my present day life which is miserable and filled with therapy appointments for depression and social anxiety, panic attacks and mental breakdowns, anti-depressants, isolation, and therapy sessions.

The past few days I've been thinking about a summer job at a park I had three years ago. I really liked the work and the people there were really nice. It was my first full time summer job. Working on a maintenance crew there weren't many girls--mostly middle aged men. There was this one girl who was in college at the time and we were on the same crew. I thought it was neat to be around older people since I was just in high school. Besides, she was really cool and funny. Her stories were hilarious. She in general was just fun to be around. It especially helped when you are out raking trails for 8 hours a day--it can get pretty boring.

I only worked with her the one summer because she took summer classes the next year and was gone by the next. I guess I had a bit of a "non-sexual crush" on her since I'm not a lesbian. More in love with her inner beauty, I'll put it that way. She just had a great personality, everyone who was around her enjoyed talking with her because she was always joking around and quiet socialible. Maybe I am a bit jealous: I have social anxiety and hardly talk with anyone. When I am with people, I make things awkward with all the silence. I don't have that "bubbly" personality. She has a personality to remember. I however don't. Most people I work with probably would have forgotten about me since I pretty much just do my work and don't talk to people. I could also be jealous because I wish I had someone like that as a friend and I do not. Honestly, if I was a few years older and went to the same gradeschool as she did, I would have wanted to be friends with her.


It should be good memories, but yet I make them into sad ones because I realize that's not my life anymore. It's not just this one case; it happens a lot when I look back into the past. I want to have those memories, yet not feel sad about them since they are just memories. Any advice on how to achieve this or else to stop dwelling on the past? Thanks,